November Rain (was a good Guns 'n' Roses video)
I'm having a hard time believing that tomorrow is Nov. 1st. It is almost 70 degrees here in the county south of Cleveland. Quite a lovely day.

Ryan's songs are pretty good, some of them are very Smiths-esque. Not that there's anything wrong with that. At all. Favorite song so far is "Burning Photographs."

I'm wondering if my friend Amy passed the Bar. She was going to get the results today, and is in a self-imposed barricade at her apartment. I am sending all kinds of good thoughts her way. It seems like a very stressful, awful process that makes me even more glad than ever that I dropped out of law school. That shit was not for me.

Well, I must ready myself for the Halloween bash. Plus get something to eat, because the gig is at a winery, and unless they have cheese, I'm thinking the food selection is going to be piss poor.

Until tomorrow, my peeps.

Mental health day
I'm feeling wonderful today because I am not at work! I can't even tell you how much I needed this break. I was on such a short fuse, things that ordinarily don't bother me were starting to get to me.

So. Anyhow. Life is good. I'm streaming Ryan's new CD on my computer, I'm only on the first song and already I can tell I'm going to like it. It's very different from anything he's done before.

Costume shopping was kind of disappointing. I honestly don't understand why every adult woman's costume has to be the Sexy Something-or-Other. Like, I don't want to be a sexy nurse, I just want to be a regular old, bedpan-carrying nurse. I don't want to be a sexy vampire, just your average, every day vampire will do. Nor do I want to be the sexy schoolgirl, policewoman, or the sexy clown. The sexy cat costume would look ridiculous on me.

So anyway, my costume for tonight's festivities will be Girl Wearing Witch Hat. I know that's ultra-original, but I was not about to be the Sexy Something-or-Other.

My husband went all out and bought a Jango Fett (from Star Wars) mask. I don't know how he'll wear it and play guitar at the same time, but at least he got something. I wanted him to get this purple pimp hat and Bootsy Collins-style glasses but he didn't want to spend the money. Jango Fett was only 10 bucks.

And I guess that's cool, because we are low on funds. I personally have about 5 bucks and change in my checking account. How did this happen, I'm not sure. And another week til payday. Ouch.

And in other sports news...
Confidential to Green Tuna: both my parents went to That Other School Up North, and it is not going to be a pleasant weekend for either parent. In fact, I know not to even bother calling my mom on Saturdays anymore because she is ensconced in the game. And when the You of Em game is over, it also brings her much joy to watch other Big Ten teams, such as Ohio State, lose (which they rarely do, which pisses her off). My dad takes these things a little better, and fortunately, it is my dad whom I am going to dinner with Saturday night.

So although I am not really invested in college football either way, for the sake of my parents' happiness this weekend, I must root against the SparTunas.

Don't hold it against me.

News flash
He may have scored 25 points last night, but the Cavs still do, and always will, suck.

One more costume idea
A note to BB fans... I did see a PHoF in one of the stores I was in yesterday and briefly entertained the idea of being Erika, but who would get it besides me?

Photoshop Hell
I am in Photoshop Hell. I am working with a photo of two women holding various sports equipment, including, a very troublesome tennis racket. Because in order for me to use this photo against any background, I must remove the original background of the photo. YOU try to take the background out of every little nook and cranny of a tennis racket. It's not fun.

But nothing will ever compare to the time(s) I have had to take the background out of the photo of a shopping cart. That is truly Photoshop Hell. This must be one of the levels of hell in Dante's Inferno.

I enjoy working in Photoshop though, especially when it's just doing something mindless as taking the background away from a photo. It's kind of like cutting with scissors but on the computer screen.

Speaking of, I couldn't get through a day without posting about Bad Lady. She was given the task yesterday of adding flowers to a photo of a house. So she calls me and one other person over to her desk to ask if it looked good. I couldn't help it... as soon as I laid eyes on it I asked, "Do they live near a power plant?" She had put in some nucular (tm George W) pink hawaiian looking flowers in a glob in front of the house. I can't see how anyone with eyes could have thought it looked good. But Bad Lady did. And was surprised that we thought it didn't.

This morning, miraculously, she had put in some acceptable flowering shrubs and stuff that didn't look half bad. I'm pretty sure she hired someone to come in and do it for her. I'm waiting for someone to fess up that she slipped them a $50.

The costume hunt continues
Tonight my husband and I are going to go costume shopping for his gig on Friday. Apparently he is going to wear, as a costume, a cowboy hat. I asked if he was going to be Joe Millionaire II, but he said no. Just your average, ordinary cowboy. Maybe at the costume store we'll find something more creative for him to be.

Secret boyfriend
Just two more days until I can hear the new album by my secret boyfriend, Ryan Adams, (hey, my husband took a liking to Cat on Joe Millionaire 2 last night, so I am entitled to a secret boyfriend if I so choose) on his Internet site. And just 6 days until it's out in stores.

Phone speak
I don't know how it got to be an accepted form of ending conversation, but I cannot bring myself to say "buh-bye" while on the phone or leaving someone a voice mail. Is this a shortened form of "bye bye?" Every time I hear someone say it, it reminds me of David Spade. It just sounds ridiculous coming out of anyone's mouth.

Holy sketchiness
Note to self: burn clothing when you get home tonight.
I just went with Jonesarelli to possibly the sketchiest mall on the face of this earth. Our mission: to find Halloween costumes. We both came away empty-handed, but not before we visited the trashiest, sketchiest stores in the mall. That is to say, everything but the Gap and the candle store. Every store was more sketchy than the next. I truly feel dirty for having been there.

So my costume ideas are as follows:
1. Montecore the white tiger (don't know if white tiger costume exists)
2. Kelly Osbourne (would be easy; just go to Wet Seal for clothes and buy pink wig at Spencer's)
3. Foxy Cleopatra (afro wig and 70's clothes)

I need to find something for my husband's gig Friday night. I have a feeling that I'll be the only non-costumed one if I don't come up with anything.

We'll see. I have to think about this and do some more shopping around. Tonight a trip to the thrift store may be in order.

All hail LeBron, part 2

Tonight all Clevelanders will turn their eyes to the NBA premiere of the new It Man, who will wear Michael Jordan's #23. He's got a lot to live up to. Will he deliver? Will he make the blind see? The crippled walk? The lepers un-leperfied? We shall see.

Distruntled office worker part 5,429
We don't have our new systems yet but we have new monitors, keyboards, and mouses. (Hee, I sounded like Jessica Simpson for a second) And for some reason my speakers are no longer working, and there is no place for me to plug in my headphones (they used to plug in through my keyboard). This will not do, no, not at all. I already wrote off an angry e-mail to the IT department, I'm sure they are thrilled. But they don't know the extreme hardship I will face without headphones. I'll have to hear the Bad Lady's radio ALL day long, which I can only stand in small quantites, plus every personal conversation she has, plus all the extra office noise that sometimes I just need to shut out so I can retain my sanity.

Hopefully my morning will get better.

Ah... no sooner had those words left the keys of my shitty new keyboard then a helpful IT person appeared and gave me sound in my speakers. But still no headphones. Which is only temporary I guess until the new system is built. I can live with that I suppose.

Tabulations (Did I make that word up?)
Halloween sized Nestle crunch bars consumed today: 4
Advil taken: 2
Minutes left before I leave: 7
Minutes since the B.L. has been gone: 9
Inches of hair I am going to have cut off tonight: 1
Hours of television I plan to watch tonight: 3
Hours of actual work I did today: 6
Items crossed off my "to-do" list: 2
Days left until my "mental health" vacation day: 2

May he rest in peace.

She made a funny!
The bad lady and one of my friends are comparing moisturizers on some list they found on the Internet. So my friend sez to B.L., "This Philosophy 'Hope in a Jar' sounds nice." And B.L., bless her, said, "What I need is 'Beyond Hope!'"

Hee. Funny 'cuz it's true.

All hail LeBron
I just heard the Bad Lady tell Incompetent But Likeable, Computer-Illiterate Guy that her son (hereby known as The Golden Child) and his friends were at the new shopping super-mega-ultra mecca, a.k.a. Legacy Village over the weekend and that phenom LeBron James was there dining at one of the new fine establishments. So The Golden Child and his pals went home, got their basketballs, and went back to try and get LeBron's autograph. LeBron, upon exiting the restaurant, saw said boys and refused to give the John Hancock. Refused, I tell you! Refused. The nerve.

Well, as we all know, NO ONE denies the Golden Child anything his little heart fancies. So the Bad Lady was quite enraged at Mr. James.

And I say? Well done, LeBron. You've brought me a little morsel of joy. Carry on, fine fellow, carry on.

Kitty capers
This morning, Domino dragged a large garbage bag full of clothes that I am going to donate to Goodwill, from the spare bedroom and into the living room, where he proceeded to tear holes in it. But how a 12 pound cat has the strength to drag a 30-or 40 pound bag of clothes that distance is beyond me.

Most of the time I just think those things are funny, but I did not enjoy it last night, just as I was drifting off to sleep, when Dom jumped up on the bed, walked around at the foot of the bed, and then plopped himself down partially on top of my leg and started to give himself a bath. That also pumps up the base temperature under the covers to about 2,500 degrees farenheit.

That's why I'm going to show you this picture, of Dom looking like a sissy boy:

Tonight!
I have discovered what my next guilty pleasure is going to be on Tuesday nights. A new show is premiering tonight on MTV called "Rich Girls." It follows the lives of two teenagers, one of whom is Tommy Hilfiger's daughter (I think) and some other girl with rich parents, and tries to draw the parallel between their lives and the lives of other kids their age. Let's all say it together: yeah right. Also premiering tonight is the new season of 24, so we'll get to see Kim get kidnapped, rescued, and kidnapped again, only to fall madly in love with the kidnapper before he is shot to death by the cops. Can't wait.

Mail bag

Squishy writes in with this question: Just wondering, are you celebrating Halloween a week early where you live? Usually it's not until the 31st, LOL

Thanks for the question, Squish. And hello!

I am wondering the same thing. As far as I know, Halloween is supposed to be the 31st. That's what it says on right here on my calendar. But lately, these bureaucratic imbeciles that we have elected into public office have decided that Trick or Treating should take place on a Saturday night, so they have bypassed the 31st altogether and just made it any old Saturday they choose. It makes no sense to me either. Back in my day, we went trick or treating on Halloween night, whether it was a Tuesday, Thursday, or Sunday. And we liked it. We went around, got candy, raised hell, t.p.ed some houses, good old clean fun. Nowadays they have to regulate things. All these damn perverts and social deviants out there, we must protect our children from them! Or something like that

Got a question? I got answers. Let's all work together to try and make sense of it all!

Wrapping up
I decided, after a brief reminder from Tuna and from Entertainment Tonight, to watch "The Next Joe Millionaire: The Legend of Curly's Gold." And was extra motivated after my husband remarked that he thought the girls were "smokin'." So we watched maybe 20 minutes of that and then I decided to come up and blog, IM my friend to see how her first day of work went, and see what else was going on in the cyber world.

My friend and I are IM'ing about how crazy it was at Legacy Village this past weekend, and how there might be a narrow window of opportunity in a few weeks before the Christmas shopping season gets full blown, in which we could eat at Cheesecake Factory. My mom said she tried to go to the new Cleveland area shopping megalopolis, and said she couldn't get near the place.

Well, I'm off once again to find a new way to entertain myself. Perhaps I'll check in at Hamster Time...

Crisis
Nothing on TV tonight. California is burning down so they took off all our favorite shows. Or something like that. Or we are feeling the wrath of the almighty Steinbrenner, as he has dictated that all Americans must suffer as his Yankees did. And so he taketh off our television programming that we enjoy. Ok, really, the only show that isn't on tonight is "Las Vegas," but dammit, I'm pissed. I have to rethink my whole evening.

While I'm on the kick...
I don't know how the Bad Lady does it, but she is able to carry on a 15 minute personal call by only saying "mmm hmm" (for yes), "mmm mmmm" (for no), and occasionally a one-word answer. It's the darnedest thing.

Upon further investigation...
An e-conversation between Jonesarelli and myself regarding the Bad Lady's new hours:

J: I’m having this difficult situation with wini [her bunny]. She slams her bowl a lot. I think I should start leaving work early so that I can work with her on her temperament problems

SF: let's ask the team how they feel about that before we make a decision. honestly, i don't understand what it could possibly be that she would have to leave early. [the bad lady's son] can drive, can't he?

J: I get the feeling that [the bad lady's son] still…soils himself… when she’s not around

SF: haaaaa! ... probably.

Office blahs
The color printer is down. It needs a new waste cartridge. Apparently it was rush ordered on Friday. Of course, everything I need to do requires the color printer.

The bad lady has requested that her hours be changed from 8:30 to 5 to 8-4, due to some "extenuating circumstances" with her son's school, and it would only be while her son is in school. My boss said he would "ask the team" if this was ok. We all said it was, but I have to wonder what this could possibly be about. Could it be regarding the French teacher situation? I have no idea. The kid is old enough to drive so I don't see what could possibly be that big of a hardship that she would have to leave work early.

I shouldn't care about it but she is just has such a high Sketch Factor ranking that I believe nothing she says, and question all her motives. I shouldn't care, also, because it just means one more half hour that I don't have to see her during the day. But I do care, because she looks for every way to cut corners and takes them. And does the least amount of work of anyone back here, and yet gets the most privileges. If I tried to pull that "extenuating circumstances" shit, I'd so be fired.

Pardon my rant, I'll be returning to work now.

Here's a tip:
When your boss asks "how's your workload?"
You should exaggerate.
Otherwise, you will get two huge assignments dumped on you that are "high priority."
And with high-maintenance clients.
Happy Monday.

Just checkin' in
I have just gotten back from the shopping mecca known as Tar-jhay. I love going there when there's nowhere else to be, because I can take my time and look longingly at stuff I will never buy, but still enjoy seeing nonetheless. Such as the entire bedding aisles. Tonight I stopped and touched nearly every fleece and down throw I saw, as well as satiny multicolored throw pillows and bed in a bag sets. I also did the same in the pajama section because I am looking for new lounge-around-the-house wear.

What I did end up buying from Target this evening: a new white fleece pair of gloves and a matching hat (ooh); a "Cord Keeper" hairdryer (aah); new shampoo and conditioner (ooh and ahh). And a couple of other things. I am quite pleased with these purchases.

My husband and I are both depressed because a) baseball is over now for good; b) it's cold and rainy, and has been since Tuesday, and will be all week; c) we won't see sunlight until maybe April. He is downstairs in the basement drinking away his sorrows, I am upstairs blogging away mine. And maybe eating some Halloween candy will help.

Local celebrities
Our wedding announcement appeared in our local citywide rag this weekend, the Stow Sentry. I can't wait for all the phone calls tomorrow from the old biddies who work in the Stow branch of my company.

It's that time again
I'm going through the bi-annual panic of, Not Making Enough Money, Barely Breaking Even At the End of the Month, What Alternate Career Choices Should I Be Making At This Point In My Life? You know, that old chestnut. Where I briefly consider taking a part-time job on top of my full-time job just to have extra money to buy fun stuff with. So I think, OK, what options are there, given that there are certain jobs I just won't do? Hmm, perhaps doing holiday help at a store like Bed, Bath and Beyond? Or what about delivering newspapers? Stuffing envelopes? Starting up a resume-writing service? A dog-walking service? Selling Tupperware?

Then I realize that I'm too lazy to do any of those things, and the crisis dies down. For a few months, anyway.

Back on track
After reading Green Tuna's blog today, which was extraordinarily moving, and reminded me of my grandfather in a lot of ways, I almost feel like what I came up to the computer to write about is incredibly insignificant and selfish.

Give me a moment while I regroup.

OK. Actually, I come with a bit of good news. Good news for me, that is. This is a "yay me" kind of post, so if you are so inclined to skip ahead, or backward, as it were, please by all means do so because I'm going to fill the next few lines with some self-congratulatory banter.

This morning, I had fully intended to lay in bed for as long as I could stand it, then slowly wake up, shuffle around the house in my slippers, and wonder what time it was, and if the clock I was looking at had been changed or not.

Instead, around 8:45 (9:45 had we not set the clocks back), I was wide-eyed in bed, the words of a short story brimming to the surface. They surged through my brain, and I knew that if I didn't get up that very second, they would be gone forever and I would be extremely angry with myself for wasting yet another opportunity.

So I got up. And I wrote four pages of a story. Which hasn't happened in, shit, I don't even know how long. Maybe since I graduated from college in 1998. Maybe even farther back than that.

I could go into detail as to why I haven't been writing, but suffice to say that for a while, my creativity had been snuffed, due to a lot of life-altering decisions and stresses while I tried to choose a path and make it work.

The fact that I was able to write this morning means that I am almost all better. I hope. And I hope this wasn't just a one-time thing.

The story is a little bit Stephen King and a little bit Dave Barry, which is funny because those two writers play in a band together. But they are also among my major influences. I was thinking about this today while brushing my teeth, that in different phases in my life, I have had three, perhaps four, major influences in my writing style thus far:

7th grade through early high school: Stephen King
Late high school through early college: Kurt Vonnegut
Late college through mid 20's: Dave Barry
Mid to late 20's: Oprah books

If this story turns out to be something, I will submit it for a short story contest. And we'll see where that takes me. No matter what, it's a huge step for me.

Plans for Sunday
Stay in bed an extra hour. Whoo-hoo! (Props to whoever came up with the whole Daylight Savings thing. Except, in the spring, screw you, asshole. Me no likey the "spring forward" concept.)
Wear slippers the entire day.
Laundry, or not.
We'll see what else.
Hasta manana.

No candy for you
Trick or treating was a total bust. I guess this isn't surprising. The weather was sub-par, and we also live on THE main road in town. Which makes me think that parents probably don't want their kids to be cavorting up and down the main drag. There aren't any sidewalks on my side of the street, either. We did not get one single ghost or goblin at our door. I must admit that we did not stick it out for the entire designated Trick or Treat hours (6-8) because we decided to go see Runaway Jury at 7:15. Which, if you want my opinion, was very well written and well done. (I have never read a John Grisham novel but I may have to now.)

We finished off the evening at Applebee's and saw the YANKEES LOSE!!!!! Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha HA. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Ahem.

Moleymoleymoleymoleymoley.

So now I have a huge-ass bowl full of Three Muskateers, Milky Way and Kit Kats that are just going to go to waste. *sigh* What's a girl to do?

I fought the leaves and the leaves won
One yard full of leaves. One rake. Two aching bodies. One huge pile of leaves at the curb when all is said and done. Just in time for it to pour rain, and for my husband to begin watching hours and hours worth of college football.

I wonder if this will detract the Trick or Treaters who are scheduled to begin panhandling around 6 this evening?

Cranky Kathy
That's me. Cranky at work. So I'd like to present to you, for no particular reason, this lovely photo of my pal, Beavis.

Confessions of a Shopoholic
If you are my husband, and you're reading this, I bought nothing today. Everyone else: I just spent $40 at Sephora on makeup, for the express purpose of getting the free gift bag. I'm all about the free stuff! Even though it cost me $40. Whenever it's free bonus time at Clinique, I have to go buy something just to get the free stuff.

I'm also finding it increasingly difficult to not go berserk on Amazon. Especially when, at work, all I do is think about other things I could be doing besides working. I need to become busier, pronto. The Internet is a vast wasteland, and I'm all too happy to encase myself in nothingness if it means I don't have to design a logo or send a fax or proofread an ad.

Nobody puts Rupert in the corner
Rupert survives yet another week on Survivor, thus building momentum as becoming the Greatest Survivor Contestant Ever. He smites Trish for betraying him and she goes down in flames, despite the huge target on Shawn's back. And Jonny Fairplay looks to be in a heap of trouble for next week. I, personally, can't wait until that crackhead smile is wiped off his face at the hand of Rupert's wrath.

It looks like next week we will see if this "ghost" tribe will play out and send the "older woman" back into the game. We have two candidates: Trish and Lillian. We'll see. And will we have a merge? Only time, and Jeff Probst, will tell.

www.thisisgoingtosuck.com
I will be spending the greater part of my afternoon in absolute hell. This was supposed to happen two weeks ago but got cancelled at the last minute. I have to suffer through a training session on how to update our company website. An outside company has come in to do the design (grumble... we have a four-person graphic design staff... we would have liked the chance to do the work... endgrumble) and now they are showing us how to change the content as we see fit. Myself and Jonesarelli are going to "take a lead role" on this, so as long as we know what we're doing, things should be cool. However, and the sole reason I'm dreading the training, is that the Bad Lady, who does not catch on to computer-related things quickly AT ALL, will be there, and I suspect that the majority of the time will be catered to her whining, "I don't get it. Where do I click?"

No freakin' way!
You're never going to believe this... Incompetent But Likeable, Computer-Illiterate Guy has successfully e-mailed an attachment without my supervision! Holla!

This is a humorous take on the out-of-control Halloween festivities at my alma mater. I should dig up the similar column I wrote in fall '97 in this same publication and post it. I have to admit, this one is funnier than mine.

Ha! Would you believe that my column is still archived on the web? How cool is that? Anyway, here it is.

Party's Over
Word has spread throughout the company that the bosses are minutes away from returning from their leadership retreat in West Virginny. In fact, some of them who drove separately are already back and in the office. Our boss took the Party Bus with the majority of other management types. So our week of freedom could be about to end. Oh well. Fun while it lasted, I guess.

ETA: Approximate arrival time is thought to be 4:30.

"If you'd like to make a call...
Please hang up and try again." This is the message Incompetent But Likeable, Computer-Illiterate Guy heard when he dialed "24" on the phone pad of the fax machine and pressed "Send" instead of hitting speed dial 24 and then pressing "send."

Sideshow
My friend got to see the freakshow that is the Bad Lady. "She's uglier than I imagined," she said. Ha ha! She also found it hilarious that the B.L. has a "No Whining" sign at her desk. Until I explained that my boss gave that to her as a joke, since she is the Queen Complainer.

We went to lunch at Chi Chi's. We were there for over two hours. Do I care? Not so much. We were talking about various things, including how there was no way Rupert could win Survivor and that he will probably be voted out soon.

Also at Chi Chi's were two busloads of grade school or high school kids (they all look the same to me these days) from a well-to-do suburb of Cleveland. While in the restroom, I heard one pre-teen girl tell another pre-teen girl how fat she was, and how she had to go on a diet. Pre-Teen Girl #2 tried to assure her friend that she looked fine and didn't need to go on a diet. Pre-Teen Girl #1 insisted that yes, she did, that she was "disgusting," and that her mom said that if she got a 4.0 this semester, she could get liposuction. Now, it's none of my business, and it could be that Pre-Teen Girl #1 was just trying to show off to her friend, but how horrible is it that this young woman has such a horrible body image?

I should be one to talk. Although I think I am finally going to call Curves today and get a membership there. Curves is the next Starbucks; Curves franchises are popping up everywhere. Let's see if I follow through on that.

Six months ago...
Today, I realized, is my six-month wedding anniversary. How do I plan to celebrate? By watching Survivor tonight. Serously though, it's hard to believe six months have gone by since we got married; the time has truly flown. I guess when I think about it, a lot has happened in the past six months. We got married, bought a house, a lot of stuff happened with my company, friends got married.

I consider myself really lucky because my husband is my best friend. We have never fought, at least, not over anything major. I love his family, I think he likes mine (although they are all insane).

So, happy six month anniversary to us.

Things Were Different Back Then
It just hit me last night that it's only been 5 years since I graduated from college, but already, I look at college kids today and realize that the things they take for granted were not around when I was in school. For instance, it seems like every college kid has a cell phone. I had a cell phone in college; it weighed 10 pounds and it was for "emergency use only." It lived in my closet and only came out when I was making the four hour drive home by myself. They have always known the Internet, they own DVD's instead of videotapes, and probably don't even remember cassette tapes. So strange that in that short of a time span, things could be so different.

Back in Uniform
Bad Lady is back in business-appropriate attire today. That is because there is a nano-sliver of chance that the bosses may be back from their leadership retreat today. They took a bus there, and our boss' car is in the parking lot, so I suppose he could pop in to see if anyone needs him. He needs to feel needed.

I'm betting she'll stay the requisite amount of time today, as well.

I also forgot that there's some shenanigans going on in the basement of our building today, they are having food, desserts and a movie in celebration of the Bosses Being Away. I don't know if I will partake; I may go down there to see what movie it is, just to be away from my desk. I have lunch plans, though. My friend Amy is coming to meet me, and I'm bringing her back to my desk, mainly so she can see the Bad Lady because I talk about her so much. It will be like a circus sideshow.

Another memo I must have missed
For the second day in a row, the Bad Lady has left at 4:30. Without saying anything to anyone. AND is wearing jeans again. This is not working for me!

A-ha! A trusted source has told me the reason for the Bad Lady's disappearance. She went to a meeting at the high school. Dollars to donuts, she is meeting with the ass clown French teacher to discuss why this teacher is standing in the way of her son winning the Genius of the Year award. Drama! I will have more on this tomorrow as this breaking news develops.

Do you have plans for New Years Eve? I do.
My husband's band, Phizzy Lager, got a gig in Kent. (Home of Kent State University. Motto: Kent read, Kent write, Kent State)


Do you think Derek Jeter looks good with a handlebar mustache? I do.

I Heart the 80's
Today's headphone selection: 80's music. Currently playing: Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder. Up next: Take on Me by a-Ha.

Office Update

Incompetent But Likeable, Computer-Illiterate Guy is wearing two different-colored socks today. He has not, as of yet, asked me how to e-mail an attachment, but the day is young. I don't think the challenge has presented itself to him yet. Oh, but it will, but it will.

I suggested to the "team" that we take a "team day" to the new Legacy Village shopping center which is opening Friday. Stores include: Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware, Ann Taylor Loft, Cheesecake Factory and more. Bad Lady was all for it. Naturally. Would boss approve? Does boss have to know?

Past Team Days have included: trip to Natural History Museum, trip to Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, the Eight Mile Hike From Hell, and trip to Jacobs Field, where Jonesarelli was known to see the clock on the scoreboard, evoke the spirit of Jessica Simpson and say, "2:31. Is that how much time is left in the game?" It's something we do once a year to promote team bonding and to get away from the office. I don't honestly think we'll go to Legacy Village; I just want an excuse to go.

Shall I elaborate on the Eight Mile Hike From Hell? It is the stuff of legend around my workplace. Other departments still make fun of my boss for submitting his department to such torture. Picture it: July 2002, temperature approximately 89 degrees (seriously), and I'm in the deep woods with my boss, the Bad Lady, Incompetent But Likeable Computer-Illiterate Guy and the rest of the cast of characters. My boss has his fanny pack on, which is filled with camping essentials such as "gorp" and Luna bars, which are composed of sawdust, and is sure to point out to us the many wonders of nature that one sees in the woods. Which includes but is not limited to: tree trunks, snake holes, and ant colonies. I believe I was quoted as saying that I hoped to be mauled by a bear. This was supposed to be an activity that brought our department closer together, but it is really fortunate that no one was "accidentally" pushed off a cliff during this adventure. Scarcasm was dripping from my pores, intermingled with the rampant sweat. I think I actually told my boss I hated him when he asked for the 45th time, "How's everybody doin' back there?"

I still haven't really forgiven him for the whole thing. Nor do I plan to. He is no longer allowed to pick the Team Day locale. So Legacy Village it is.

Christmas Came Early, or, Dude, We're Getting Dells!

Rumors abound that we are getting new computers. Which is quite nice, don't get me wrong. However. No one asked us if we needed new computers, or if perhaps there were other pieces of hardware that we might need more (i.e. flat-screen monitors, a better scanner, cd burners that actually work, etc.) Also, I'm worried that I am going to have to redo all my media player files, all my internet favorites (there are blogs upon blogs that I have discovered that have become part of my daily reading), and who knows what else will be screwed up. I've kind of grown accustomed to the fact that when I log in in the morning, a "syncronization error" occurs and I have to wait for Windows to attempt to synchronize some random bits of data. I like the way that my cd burner makes a noise like a car trying to start up on a cold winter morning. Don't take that away from me! These are my comforts! And above all, please make sure that I still have my headphones when this is all said and done. Or I will kill someone.

Sucka
I was thisclose to calling in "sick" today, but I just couldn't muster up the fake sore throat voice. So what happens? I come in to work, only to find out that other people in my department are out "sick" today. I am a sucker. Should have taken the opportunity while I could.

Amazingly, the Bad Lady appears to show signs of the common cold, but she is present and accounted for. She did, however, leave at 4:30 yesterday, without saying a word to anyone about her early departure.

We'll see if I develop a mysterious illness later in the day, causing me to leave early. I don't actually think anyone would care; I just think it would be shitty for me to leave without a good reason. Even though I really, really, really want to. Really. I really do.

So, my husband has started a Blog. Here it is.

My friend just sent me a link to www.engrish.com which I think is quite funny.

Hello....
Is it me you're looking for?
Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely,
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
Cause I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying ... I love you

Nothing like a little Lionel Richie on the radio on a rainy afternoon.

My work here is done
I can officially call it a day. My two primary work duties have been fulfilled already today. Those being:
1. Show Incompetent but Likeable, Computer-Illiterate Guy how to e-mail an attachment.
2. Talk to the Bad Lady without any signs of loathing.

From MSN Entertainment:
Jessica Dreams of "Jeannie"
She's worked her ditzy magic on MTV, but can Jessica "Platamapus" Simpson blink her way to similar success on the big screen? Nick Lachey's better half is dropping hints the size of boulders that starring in Columbia's still-in-development big screen adaptation of "I Dream of Jeannie" would be better than eating tuna and buffalo wings combined. "That would be like the ultimate movie for me," Simpson said on "Larry King Live" this week (the "Newlyweds" chatted with fill-in host Ryan Seacrest). "I think it would be so much fun to be Barbara Eden." The "Sweetest Sin" singer gushes that she "really, really, really" wants to don the requisite pantaloons and bra to play the arm-crossing, bottle-dwelling genie, and she is reportedly hoping to call either George Clooney or Robert Downey, Jr., "Master." Really.

Two things: No freaking way. And: Ryan Seacrest filling in for Larry King? Huhhhh?

Sound bytes
The static from the Bad Lady's radio prompted me to put on headphones, and now I am listening to the music of Ryan Adams in anticipation of the new album. I heard his new song and I'm not sure how I feel about it, yet. That usually happens, though. It's an acquired taste. I'm listening right now to a cool duet he did with Elton John, of Sir E's song "Daniel."

Anyhow, I was going through my mp3 files on my computer and trying to thin them out, when I discovered, among other things, a clip of Chef from South Park, saying "You've got split personality, schizophrenic jeebies." And that made me laugh.

Call me crazy, but...
If the radio is staticky, change the station. Or adjust the dial. The culprit of this crime? You guessed it, the Bad Lady.

A Day in the Life of a Graphic Designer
(Conversations I've Had With Actual Clients)

1. On going over changes with a client, I still needed a replacement photo that she was to provide. "Well," she said, "You may as well wait to make the other changes until you have the photo so you're not printing out two sets of proofs." I agreed that that made sense. Two days later... the client calls. "So, have you made those changes yet?" Uh, no, because I was waiting for your photo. Sheesh.

2. After showing a particularly picky client numerous color proofs, including off two different printers, her own printer, and showing it to her on screen, AND giving her the color values of the solid colors used in her brochure, she calls me from a press proof (she has family in the printing business which complicates the matter ten-fold) and says that the brown I chose is "too chocolate" and that she "doesn't like it after all." What do you want me to do about it now?

3. Client to Sketch: "I really like this logo you designed, but you left off the second 'f' in 'professional'." Oh. My bad.

And thus, it is my conclusion that the stupid people on this earth vastly outnumber the smart'uns.

Gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day

I think the cranky bug has left my body. Yesterday I was just down in the dumps like nobody's business. Maybe I'll even do something productive. I was productive at home last night, maybe that's the reason I am feeling better. We whipped through all our thank you notes in a matter of minutes last night. That's not to say that we didn't put thought into them, but we got them done quickly and efficiently.

Bad Lady in jeans, AGAIN. What the hell is that all about? I guess maybe it has something to do with the absense of bosses. It irks me because she is the least productive (well, I may rival her this week), most vocal complainer, and yet she is always the one to take advantage of the good will of management. No one else in the entire company is wearing jeans. Except her. Whatever.

Uncalled for
Speaking of animals, which I did this morning, my sister in law, a PETA member herself, told me that PETA sent a message to Roy Horn in his hospital room that said something to the effect of, "You got what you deserved." I think that is totally wrong. My sister in law says that PETA actually is a good organization to belong to, that she agrees with most of what they stand for, but the stupidity of some of the things they do brings bad press to the organization. I agree -- you never hear of anything about PETA except for the controversial stuff. And I think this ranks right up there with some of the most despicable acts of human cruelty to other humans that I've ever heard of. Is there an organization against that?

Gotta love her

Nothing like a phone call from my grandmother to make me smile. She is so funny. She made a bag for me, she said. I don't quite understand the purpose of this bag, but I think she said it is to keep the plasic bags from the grocery store in. So we'll see.

I want candy

Candy am good. Two Nestle Crunch bars and one Kit Kat just gave me the jolt I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and get down to biz-nazz. Maybe.

Here's something strange: Trick or Treat in my neighborhood is this coming Saturday, the 25th. Halloween is still a full week away after this! I haven't purchased any candy yet. My logic in buying Halloween candy is to buy something that I don't really like so that I don't end up eating it. But I also buy something I do like for the express purpose of eating it myself. I wonder how many kids we'll get to our house. I think we live in a community of mostly older people, but there could be grandchildren visiting. Also, our community is fairly well-to-do (except for, well, us). We could get a lot of imported children coming for the rich people's candy.

I don't know what happened to Trick or Treat being on Halloween night. Isn't that the purpose of Halloween? It's not any old day of the week. It's All Hallows Eve, October 31st. Back in my day we went out that night, and that night only.

Now stay off my lawn.

Tick, tick, tick
One hour has passed since I've been here. No work has been done. Nor do I plan on doing any. Until I'm good and ready. Which may be tomorrow.

Let's go to Tchotski's

So here I am back in cubie-land. The Bad Lady is inexplicably wearing jeans today. Did I miss that memo? Was it Hawaiian shirt day? Did I not put the cover sheet on the TPS reports like I was supposed to? Office Space was on Comedy Central last night. That movie IS my workplace. Except I think that makes me Michael Bolton.

I'm such a wuss that I'm all sore from the raking of the fall foliage. If I were the Bad Lady, that would be grounds enough to stay home. However, I am not the Bad Lady, so I will stay the full 8 hours, despite the fact that there is nary a boss in sight.

Elementary, my dear Watzzzzzz
I have a long list of books that I want to read. But right now, and for the past month or so, I have been devoting my reading time to a large hardbound edition of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries. For whatever reason, I am unable to read this book in mass quantities. Every time I lay down on the couch to read, I fall asleep by the time I'm done with the first page, or, one of the cats decides to jump up on my lap, pushing the book out of the way. They are also fond of interfering with reading the newspaper.

I'd like to break this person's legs
Anyone who intentionally causes injury to an animal should have the same done to them. Read about it here.

And on the seventh day...

Being a new homeowner, I am experiencing a lot of "firsts" with the house. Today was the First Leaf Raking. And boy, did it suck. Suddenly I notice that there are a lot of trees in our yard. Not only that, but our neighbors have a lot of trees that have leaves, too. And a lot of those leaves, by virtue of the wind, have taken up residence on our lawn. I filled up two huge tarps full of leaves and that was just from what had settled on our driveway.

So I have made the decision to adopt a 13 year old boy. Forget about waiting to have a baby and having the child help out with the leaves when it's old enough. We need immediate assistance. Hey, we have an Xbox. It wouldn't be all bad for the little guy. We probably even listen to some of the same music and watch some of the same TV shows.

In other news, the Browns lost in sucktacular fashion today. And there's some monstrosity on the television tonight known as the World's Most Crappy Series, Ever.

Sundays are not my most favoritest day of the week. It reminds me that I'll be back at work tomorrow, not a very desirous place to be. However. There is light at the end of this tunnel: all management types will be out most of the week on a leadership retreat!

This does not bode well for my productivity.

Never mind...

I take back the nasty things I said about Sweetest Day. My husband arrived home from his canoeing trip (with all limbs attached, I may add), and was bearing a bouquet of roses.

My mailbox was absolutely stuffed with catalogs. Which prompted me to sing my best rendition of the Burl Ives classic "Holly Jolly Christmas" in the shower. Who said it's too early for Christmas carols? Not me.

I watched the movie "Old School" this afternoon -- kinda funny. I'm not a big Will Farrell fan, though, and the sight of his bare ass was not pleasing to the eye. Kim from "24" was in this movie too -- if I could make one request to the writers of 24, please make Kim less annoying this season. That is to say, make her die. Now. Thank you.

Last night we watched "Identity" with John Cusack, Ray Liotta and some other people I recognized but don't remember their names. That was a pretty decent movie, but the twist was kinda disappointing. I would have rather if they went in a different direction, but when I finally write my screenplay, then I guess I'll be the boss.

A good evening to all.

Correspondence

A good just-after-noon to you. I have occupied my morning with trying not to worry about my husband who, against his better judgement, has decided to go canoeing in the northeasternmost area of Ohio. I have this tendency to fear the worst so the worst won't happen. So I'm envisioning Deliverance and what I would do should I become a widow today. Yes, it's morbid, but my imagination is overactive.

I've been working on odds and ends around the house, but of the utmost importance is the ever-looming pile of thank you notes that still need to be done. I just wrote three and got exhausted with the whole process. Plus, being a lefty, I already have a huge smear all over the side of my hand from dragging it through the words that I have just written.

I tried reading some of the mammoth collection of Sherlock Holmes mysteries, until Domino decided that it was time for him to sleep on my lap.

Oh yeah... I just remembered that today is Sweetest Day. What a meaningless, commercial whore holiday. This also means that every restaurant is going to be packed tonight, which will piss me off. We'll probably just end up at the Winking Lizard, which is our absolute favorite place to go on earth. It's your typical dive-bar, frequented by bikers and yuppies alike. It has great burgers, the absolute best fries, and a beer list that is unrivaled.

I also just remembered that there is some leftover Chinese food in the refrigerator with my name on it.

Whoops

I got three hits today from Internet searches gone awry. Two unlucky visitors ended up here looking for pictures of Montecore, the white tiger. Sorry. No Monty here. But I do have this picture, of Domino, which I realize is not what you wanted. Thank you, drive through.

Another poor soul ended up here due to a search of "deformed wrist." Hey, buddy, I feel your pain. Literally.

And with that... adios! Until I get lonely at home and decide to blog later this evening. But for now, I'm blowing the popsicle stand that is my cubie.

Kitty dictionary

Dom: short for Domino. My black and white hellraiser kitty.
Four-legged clamp: Method of attack wherein all four paws are wrapped around a toy, a piece of furniture, or my arm, and the claws (in Dom's case) are used as a gripping mechanism.
Kitts: Nickname I gave Dom when he was a kitten. Shortened form of "kitten."
Molls: Short for Molly. My dilute tortoiseshell, neurotic cat.
Monty: Short for Montecore, what I am currently calling Dom.
Nyang-nyang: The noise made by Dom when he is gnawing on something, usually my hand.
Peep: The noise that Molly makes in lieu of a normal sounding meow. In English, it would translate to; "Pay attention to me!!!!!!!!!!"
Peepers: Nickname for Molly.
Rattlesnake: Molly's tail mimics a rattler when she sees my husband and wants him to pet her. She lurrrves him.
Snaggletooth: Molly's front fang-tooth hangs over her lip. When you aren't petting her with her desired frequency, she rubs her lip against your hand, hence giving you a Snaggletooth.
Sniper: What Dom becomes when he goes stealth under the comforter of the bed and takes shots at one's feet as they pass by unsuspectingly.

The Tirade Continues

I got a phone call while I was trying to hear the Bad Lady, and I didn't want to be rude, but I really wanted them to go away so I could continue to listen to the Bad Lady's horrible logic in why her son's life as an N.H.S. member was sabotaged due to the tres mal French teacher. However, the Bad Lady moved her rage into the conference room, where I think she may have continued to rant, possibly to a prinicpal.

This place is insane. Seriously. I know there's a crazy coworker in everyone's place of employment (I'm looking at you, Temp Admin Whore) but sometimes, it's just too much to handle.

Two more hours to go

I got my potato soup and all is good with the world. My co-worker who I despise is yelling at her 16 year old son's French teacher. Because apparently the teacher is way off base with her curriculum and the Bad Lady's son is having a hard time in her class. You see, her son is being inducted into N.H.S. and is quite obviously a genius, so it must be something wrong with the teacher. Naturally.

If my mom had called one of my high school teachers, and by the way, this kid is a junior in high school, I would have been mortified. But this is regular protocol for her.

I don't get it

I have performed my most important job function for the day: I have decided where we'll be getting lunch from today. Applebee's is the winner. I'm hoping they have potato soup today.

In other work-related news... all the bosses will be away next week for a leadership conference / retreat thing. Yet... they're all in a meeting right now and have been since early this morning! I'm sure it's a meeting about the meetings they will have next week. Let's meet to discuss the meeting. Makes sense, no?

First things first ... Survivor last night. It's official: Jon is my most-hated Survivor EVER. He has no redeeming qualities. He had this stupid grin on his face throughout the entire episode last night, definitely the grin of a demented person. I think he's had too many sand flea bites. And his alter-ego, Jonny Fairplay? Scares me. Because it makes no sense. He has a hand signal that goes along with his persona, that I believe he described as "halfway between an X and a Y."

The Drake tribe as a whole pissed me off last night for their cockiness. It will get you nowhere, people, nowhere! And Jeff Probst was extra snarky to Drake last night. Which I loved.

The gross food challenge is not one of my favorites. This is one reason why I could never personally be on a reality show. I don't like cooked fish, let alone raw, nasty fish parts blended into a smoothie. It's not pleasant to watch, either. Especially when afterward, someone vomits. Wasn't it great, though, that while Michelle was puking her guts out, Rupert plopped down next to her and was talking strategy? The vomit didn't faze him. That's my boy Rupe-Dogg.

Note to self
If you don't turn the alarm clock on, it won't go off in the morning.

Baby Daddy
Congrats to one of the funniest, coolest people in the world, Conan O'Brien, and his wife, who had a baby girl... Neve. (named after ex-Party of Five star Neve Campbell? Whatever happened to her?)

Take me out to the... oh HELL no!
The World Series...zzzzzzzzz...oh, was I typing something? Two words: LeBron James. Oh dear God. A co-worker has shown up wearing a Yankees hat. She must be beaten. Briskly and swiftly. Oh, she's being obnoxious... I want to hurt her.

Found: Ry CD
November 4. Ryan's new CD will be out. I'm there. And the CD is entitled, "Rock and Roll," which bodes well for rockin' Ryan.

Thank the Heavens

The Lunch Lady has been found. Listen to some of her clips here.

This is possibly one of the funniest memories I have of undergrad. We would call her every day to hear the Menu, and hear her sing the song. My friend Emily e-mailed about her today and I just on a whim did a Google search and found her! She is no longer doing the menu daily, but she's here on the web in all her glory. I'm just sad that her ultimate classic song, "there's a family turkey, in our oven," did not make it to the Internet.

I suggest for you first-time listeners, "It's my turkey and I'll cry if I want to" -- classic menu lady. She doesn't ever really stay in key, but once you get over that, you'll be fine. And this is for all of you out there: Love ya, I sure do. Buh-bye!

Somebody Else's Boss is Fair Game

My husband comes home last night with a DVD box set of the Indiana Jones movies -- not yet available in stores. The means by which he came into these movies is a bit on the shady side -- it would definitely be a high rank on the Sketch Factor. He works for a large shipping company (rhymes with Med Vex) and sometimes, definitely NOT frequently, boxes get damaged during transit. His boss, who I know simply as "The Vince-inator," and who I have never met but in the movie in my mind of him, he's played by Joe Pesci, clandestinely shoved a set at him at the end of the day and said, "here. take 'em." Apparently they were shipping them to a movie store, the box was damaged, and some of the DVD's fell out. When this happens, they have to be shipped back to the originating place and I'm sure a damage report is filled out, and they are compensated by insurance for the damaged and/or missing goods. That's just a guess.

And to protect those involved: none of this actually happened. I'm making it all up. I definitely do not have shadily-acquired goods in my home.

Let's pretend we never had this conversation.

Saving Private Ryan

So one of my favorite musicians, Ryan Adams (NOT BRYAN!!!), is coming out with a new cd. Or so he would have us believe. On his web site, sho'nuff, it says, new album coming 11/1/03. OK... so you'd think, wuntcha, that Amazon.com would have had wind of this by now? Nope.

For Ryan's new album, I hope he's a little bit happier. I'm concerned about his mental well-being. I also hope it's rockin' Ryan, not shoot-yourself-while-you're-listening-because-you're-so-freakin-depressed Ryan. Probably a mixture of both, I'd guess.

Be Nice

Today is Boss' Day. In honor of the occasion, I am not going to post anything negative about my boss. Which means I will have to focus my attentions elsewhere.

One more thing before I sign off (to watch Sorority Life, I will admit)

I finally worked zhuzh into a sentence today. (is it "zhoosh?") I had to zhuzh my sleeves because the one sleeve wouldn't go over my wrist brace. It was quite an accomplishment, one that I'm sure would make Carson and the gang proud.

Danger, danger, danger

My wrist is feeling a bit numb. It was feeling better today and so I took off the brace when I got home this evening, and now the numbness has set in.

A co-worker (not the one who was the subject matter of quiz, below), upon seeing my wrist brace, asked what I did. He then rolled up his sleeve and showed me his deformed wrist. He informed me that he sprained his wrist in his 20's (he's in his 50's now) and that it never healed and turned into arthritis. He wears one of those metal arthritis bracelet things that suposedly eases the pain. But so of course, my mind goes into overdrive and I begin thinking, oh god, I'm going to get arthritis! It's my left hand, and I'm left handed. And then I think about my mom -- her hands are gnarled by arthritis. I'm doomed.

Speaking of my mom, and this also fits under my header of (meant to be said in Crododile Hunter voice) "dangah, dangah, dangah," she has already asked me what our plans are for Thanksgiving. And so it begins. That happy holiday time of year.

Nomahhhhhh

Dear Boston Red Sox,

I don't like you during the regular season. I won't like you if you make it to the World Series. But I like you right now. It's hard for me to say that, because I truly, truly despise you, particularly your ace pitcher. In fact, it was one of the most joyous moments of recent memory to see a 72-year old man (who I don't much care for, either) try to take down Pedro. Even if he cried like a baby later and apologized.

So win tomorrow, and then I hope you get your sorry asses whomped by the Cubs (knock on wood).

Figure this one out

So the guy who I had to call to call my boss so my boss could yell at him, called me to yell at me because he got yelled at by my boss. I had to squelch that fire. But in the end, we both agreed that my boss way overreacted, but that we were cool with each other.

I feel better about it now. I hate when I have to do that.

Pop Quiz: Are you a good co-worker?

1. Your print job has caused a paper jam in the printer. Do you:

a) Identify where the jam is, fix the jam, and make sure the printer is back online?
b) Notice that you have jammed the printer, ask someone to help you who knows what they are doing?
c) Half-assedly stand by the printer for a minute staring at it, then go back to your desk without saying anything to anyone?

2. You've used the last tea bag at the coffee station. Do you:

a) Open the cupboard, grab a handful of tea bags, and refill the tea bag tray?
b) Put one tea bag back so the next sucker who comes to get tea has to do it?
c) Do nothing; it's not your job to refill tea bags?

3. Your 16 year old son has come home sick from school with a fever. You:

a) Call him and see how he's doing.
b) Leave a few minutes early so you can pick up some chicken noodle soup at the store.
c) Leave at 2:30 in a panic because he hasn't called you and it's been a half hour since you last talked to him.

4. At 3 in the afternoon, you realize you forgot to get gas in your car. You:

a) Write yourself a note to get gas on the way home from work.
b) Leave a few minutes early to beat the rush and get to the gas station.
c) Leave the office at 3 to refill gas tank so you can leave right at 5 and not be stuck in traffic.

5. How would you desrcibe the amount of personal calls you get in one day? You:

a) Try to limit personal calls at work -- you're not being paid to gab with friends and family!
b) Make a couple personal calls a day.
c) Lose count after about 8:45 a.m.

SCORING: Give yourself 1 point for every time you answered A. Two points for B. Three points for C.

5 points: You are the model co-worker. You're right on top of things!
6-14 points: Check yourself before you wreck yourself. You need to sharpen those office skills!
15 points: You are MY co-worker. Die.

Nice

There's a lot of little things in life that make me happy. Like going to 25 cent wing night with my husband and just kickin' it.

All in a day's work

Here are some of the duties I performed today that are not part of my normal job description:

1. Showed a co-worker how to save an attachment to disk. (May as well be my job; I show this same co-worker how to do the same thing daily.)
2. Filled a jack-0-lantern with candy. Pirated a bag of York Peppermint Patties. Which, by the way, are so good right now I can't even tell you.
3. Hunted down a nonexistent company mission statement. Was tempted to make something up.
4. Called someone to tell them to call my boss so he can yell at them.

Hoy es mardes

Today is Tuesday. So here are a few random Tuesday thoughts:

1. My sister in law (happy birthday, Alison) got to see phenom LeBron James this weekend, and when telling us about it, my father in law asked her if she was healed when she looked at him. It is common thought here in Cleveland that LeBron is the second coming of Christ. And yet, he has not even played his first NBA game.

2. I spotted some Canada geese flying south this morning. A sure fire sign of winter. There were a lot less of them this year, I thought. Probably because people are shooting them. Which I don't necessarily think is right.

3. Another sure sign that winter is right around the corner: bags of mixed nuts were on sale at the grocery store.

4. I'm fairly certain that my grocery store parking lot is among the most dangerous locations on earth, including the jungle, Bermuda triangle and Yankee stadium. No one looks before shooting out of an aisle, so pedestrians and vehicles alike are at risk. I've often contemplated waiting until the store closes and all the cars are gone to attempt leaving the parking lot.

5. The wrist is feeling better, thanks for asking.

Oh my freakin' God this is funny. May I suggest T'inating my blog, or anyone's blog, because it is laugh out loud funny. In many spots in my blog, the jibba jabba actually made sense. Crazy fool!

I forgot to mention...

Last night I spoke to a very helpful nurse about my wrist injury. I had called the 24-hour nurse helpline that my insurance company has provided. I was feeling a bit fearful due to my in-laws' talk of chipped bones and the like. So this nurse is going through the normal gamut of questions that nurses must ask. What is the nature of the problem? Wrist pain. How long have you had this problem? Since Friday. Then, after a few more questions, she asks, Are you taking any over-the-counter or prescription medications? I tell her that the only thing I take is a prescription birth control pill. Next question: Is there any possibility that you could be pregnant?

OK.
No.
But... even so... what in blue blazes does that have to do with my present problem, which is WRIST PAIN?

Cleveland rawks

Another reason we Clevelanders should be proud: Dennis Kucinich has officially announced that he will run for President. Don't get me wrong, I'd vote for a paramecium for president before I'd vote for Bush, but come on. He bears a resemblance to a certain someone ...

Haven't Got Time for the Sprain

There is absolutely nothing pleasant about visiting the doctor's office. First, the waiting room, where the minimum wait time is fifteen minutes. That's a generous assumption, at that. Let's have a look around the waiting room. My doctor is a "family" doctor, which usually means there are at least three kids of various ages, with their parents, in the waiting room. Each child is sicker than the next. One has a dripping nose. One is picking their dripping nose. And one looks like he could possibly be suffering from mad cow disease. On the other end of the spectrum, we have your average, every day old person also waiting to see the doctor. Today, granny is accompanied by her daughter, who is easily pushing sixty herself. They call her -- "Edna? .... Edna?" and several seconds elapse before the daughter realizes they are calling her mother's name. She helps mom out of her chair and they shuffle into the office. And directly across from me is smoker guy, who looks like he may have parked his eighteen wheeler in the lot, and who must have recently bathed in an industrial-sized ashtray.

Blissfully my name is called after only about 20 minutes. But then I have to put in another 15 inside the doctor's exam room. AFTER they weigh me. WITH my clothes and shoes on, which means I obsess for the next 15 minutes about how much I weigh.

Finally the doctor comes in to see me and pokes and prods at my wrist, bends it like beckham, and pronounces it to be sprained. Well, if it wasn't prior to my coming to his office, it most certainly is now. But he makes up for it by giving me some foil-wrapped sample packs of some newfangled kind of painkiller. This means he has spared me a trip to another most-dreaded place: the pharmacy. Thanks, doc. Job well done.

Diet Club

There is a particularly nasty throng of people who work here who I hereby dub "The Diet Club." Rules for membership in The Diet Club are simple:
1. You must constantly be on a diet. Any diet will do. A string of several unsuccessful diets is especially desirable.
2. You must make it your mission in life to analyze and provide snippy commentary on the contents of other peoples' lunches, particularly if they are NOT on a diet.
Sample commentary: "Do you know how many carbs that has? I couldn't eat that. Are you going to eat that?"
"(stick face close to other person's food and inhale deeply) That smells good. I could never eat it though. Too much fat."

The Diet Club is to be avoided like the plague. They typically eat around 1 and finish around 2:30 or 3. They occupy at least 75% of our kitchen's seating area on any given day. The Diet Club are also very disappointed when they do not have sufficient seating to accommodate all 55 of them at once. If I must be in the same room as TDC, I make sure that I eat quickly and avoid eye contact. Good thing they didn't see my mac 'n' cheese today; they would have been all over it.

Kitty!
Another kitty!
Bad kitty.
Fat kitty.

Weekend Update

Here is my weekend, to date:
Got stuck late at work looking at new grill boss wants to buy on Internet.
Went to grocery store, where every octogenarian was in line in front of me, counting out exact change to the penny.
Was nearly killed by said octogenarians in grocery store parking lot.
Made delicious carb-o-rific meal.
Putzed around on computer for approximately one hour.
Turned on Queer Eye marathon. (Observation: Kyan and Carson -- is there some hanky panky going on between those two?)
Watched 4 hours worth of marathon.
Husband comes home from band practice.
Husband shows me hilarious pictures of wedding reception and funny cat pics (will scan on Monday and add links)
Laughed until I cried.
Due to hilarity of pictures, became too wound up to go to sleep.
Talked husband's ear off while he tried to go to sleep.

Saturday.
Woke up entirely too early.
Putzed around on computer for approximately one hour.
Discovered we have overdrawn on our checking account (yeesh).
Tried to figure out what happened.
Went to bank to deposit money into aforementioned checking account.
Avoided many traffic accidents near and in bank parking lot.
Purchased wrist brace at drug store. And Ricola.
Put on wrist brace.
Got hair colored.
Came home, ate leftover carb-o-rific meal from last night.
Watched several hours of Animal Planet, TLC and Bravo.
Watched hilarious bench-clearing brawl during Sox/Yanks game.
Fell asleep on couch with cat (new nickname: Montecore) on top of me.
Readied myself to go out to dinner with husband.
Went out to dinner with husband.
Ate entirely too much.
Got stomach ache.
Came home, putzed around on computer for approximately one hour.
FIN

Carb-fest 2003

I just had the best dinner tonight: Southwest Cheese 'n' Macaroni. I got the recipe out of Betty Crocker's Vegetarian Cooking, Lori Fox, ed. New York: Hungry Minds, Inc., 1997.

The philosophy of the Betty Croker vegetarian cook book is basically this: vegetarian cooking can taste good. If you smother everything in one pound of cheese.

So this is my kind of cookbook. The cheese 'n' macaroni is centered around the vegetable known as corn. (You call it maize -- is this even a veggie?)

Here is the recipe, which I highly recommend. Not only is it ridiculously easy to make, it's great for colder weather, and if you have reckless abandon for consuming carbs in mass quantities.

Southwest Cheese 'n' Macaroni
Prep: 5 min; Cook: 17 min.
6 servings (or 4 if you're me)

Betty Crocker offers this editorial info: If you're on the lookout for recipes to please teenagers and younger children who don't eat meat, give this newfangled version of mac-and-cheese a whirl.

1 1/2 cups milk
1 cup green salsa (my store doesn't have this; I use green taco sauce and it works fine)
1 can (15 oz.) cream style corn
1 can (11 oz.) whole kernel corn with red and green peppers, drained (I use Green Giant "Mexicorn")
1 package (7 oz.) elbow macaroni
8 oz. process cheese product loaf, cubed (in lay person's terms, Velveeta)

1. Mix all ingredients except cheese in 12-inch nonstick skillet. (I prefer the large pot I use to boil spaghetti noodles). Heat to boiling; stirring occasionally; reduce heat to low. Cover and cook 10 to 14 minutes, stirring frequently, until macaroni is tender.
2. Add cheese, stir until melted.

1 serving: calories 405 (calories from fat 135); fat 15g (saturated 9g); cholesterol 40mg; sodium 1060mg (eep); carbohydrate 53g (dietary fiber 4g -- the corn i'm assuming); protein 18g.

So there you go. Enjoy!

Survive This

Hallelujah, the Morgan tribe may rise from the ashes! Now we've got "game on" as Toni from Paradise Hotel would say. She would also say "Yahtzee" but I don't really understand that in any context.

Anyhoo, Morgan. They be back in a major way! And they stole Rupert. Which is great. Rupert got himself a new dress, too. And Burton got the boot. Which sucks because a) Burton is hot. b) Burton was on one of my fantasy teams (yes I have multiple fantasy teams -- one on CBS, one on another site -- I'm a loser, I accept it!) c) I owned 50 shares of Burton's stock in a Survivor stock market game.

What was great about Burton getting the boot was that he pretty much wanted Drake to lose the challenge and it came back to bite him on the ass.

Now onto another Survivor-related topic: Jon. Jon is heinous. There's nothing about him I like. He reminds me of this annoying hippie guy I used to know, everyone kind of tolerated him but he got on everyone's nerves. He once showed up at the door of my dorm room in college uninvited, and ended up staying three days, much to my chagrin. His mission was to buy 800 yards of hemp fabric at some hippie outpost out in the sticks near where my college was. I don't even know how he found me. I hadn't given him my address; we weren't that close.

Friday moaning

I look like crap. Woke up late.
Certain people tend to aggrivate
Didn't have no clean socks
There was cat litter in my shoes...
I got the Friday moaning blues

I got a four hour training this afternoon
On how to be a better office baboon
I brought a shitty lunch
The banana has a bruise...
I got the Friday moaning blues

Man, I got the blues

Increase the width of your blog

And I shudder in fear to think of the web banners which will appear above my Blog now.

Wanted: One Porn Name Maker

Here's the job I want: coming up with the names of people who send out porn e-mails. For the past week I've gotten an e-mail from "Liz" talking about horse fUUcker$ or something like that. I don't actually read the messages (ahem). But usually they are more creative than that. For instance, one just came across my hotmail from Klyen Blois, whose message is "Re:my sister". Another, from Sabina Farronato, says "Let's work something out."

Yet one more, simply from "Marie" (because we're on that close of terms), wants me to open the message that reads, "WARNING, BEASTIEAILTY S(E)X Pics Inside". Thanks for sharing, Marie.

Evidently, I have some friends I knew nothing about. And they're married women who want to have an extramarital affair.

And don't get me started on the ones that tell me that my woman thinks my penis is too small. That hurts my feelings.

Blogger stalking, volume 2

Now the web banner has an advertisement for iworkwithfools.com! STOP STALKING ME!!!! I swear, I WILL get a restraining order.

It kind of freaks me out, too, when Amazon knows your taste in music a little too well. I know it looks at the things you search for, but damn, it be smart.

Hah! I feel better. Blogger is stalking my friend, as well. In fact, Blogger told her that she smells. Because she had written about being a dirty, cheap woman. You can read about it on the right, at Girl You Betta Not Talk Smack about Me.

Like Sands Through the Hourglass

My gripe of the moment has to do with a certain soap opera that I've been known to watch when I'm home sick and on major holidays when it's not pre-empted by a parade or telethon. They have this "serial killer" storyline going on where they are killing off major characters, including the token black man on the show who has been on the show forever! What gives, Days! Way to go. Isn't that always the way, though? You can always tell who is going to die first in action movies... the token black man. Unless it's Wesley Snipes. Was it Scream or Scary Movie where there was a black guy who acknowledged that he was going to be the first one killed?

In other TV news... I watched both Sorority Life AND Fraternity Life in their entirety last night... what is wrong with me? And it's not the first time, either. In fact, when they come on in repeats on Sunday afternoon when I'm sick of watching "The Planet's Funniest Animals" for the 5th half hour in a row, I'll probably watch them again.

I have probably revealed too much information about myself... yes, definitely.

You're at a 10, we need you at a 4

Yelling boss. Or maybe just loud-talking boss.
His office is maybe 50 feet away... he's on the phone with someone giving them the business. As long as it is not me, I'm cool with it.

Only 3:30. Time has stood still for the past hour.

Sick of not being sick

That may sound weird. But for the past week & a half, maybe two weeks even -- I've been teetering on the brink of sickness. It's getting extremely annoying. I wake up each morning with a sore throat. I drink lots of liquids, lots of tea, and the sore throat gradually turns into a huge wad of pleghm in my throat. I wish that I would just either a) get sick so I can get over it; or b) fight it off and not have to deal with it!

And, a half-assed "congrats" to Ahhhh-nold, the new Govah-natah of California! My husband cracked me up this morning as he said to me, "I teh-minated Gvhay Davis." I'm sure this will provide fodder for many a groping joke for weeks to come.

However it's spelled

I need to find a way to work the word "zhuzh" into my vocabulary. The Queer Eyes use this word to describe the movement of working ones hands through ones hair. I just think it's a fun word to say. Zhuzh.

Blogger is watching me

I don't know if it was just mere coincidence, but the little web banner ad at the top of my Blog had something about John Mayer in it. And one of my posts concerned the music of John Mayer. Very, very frightening. Blogger is a stalker!

A Vacant Space

Due to an accidental post, I have no choice but to fill the void with words. There. Happy now?

Bad Radio

I am one who enjoys all kinds of music. But there are only so many times one can hear Uncle Kracker and still remain sane.

Haiku

Pimple on my chin
Ruptured during the Browns game
Now it's just a scab

Gracias

A man waited 15 minutes to see my boss today to say nice things about me. And it put my boss in a good mood. It's those little unexpected things that make the long journey to get to 5:00 kinda, sorta worth it.

Drunken husband (But I'm the Asshole)

My husband got more drunk than I have ever seen him this weekend. It was at a belated get-together/reception thingy for our wedding (Vegas in April). We had to drink a certain dollar amount worth of liquor to avoid paying some extra fee, so my husband was just doing his part to chip in.

He is completely shitty. So what happens? I, the responsible, designated driver, go get his car and pull it up to the entrance to where we had the par-tay. Hubby tells me to flip the unlock button for the trunk, and so I flip the "LOCK" button, and proceed to lock the keys in his car, ignition running.

In front of my in-laws, my mom and aunt, and my friend and her husband. So there was quite a crowd there.

The AAA guy got cheers when he jimmied the door open, and I drove off in utter humiliation.

All in all a great weekend.

Playlist du Jour

On my Media Player playlist right now:

1. Extraordinary by Liz Phair
2. Whenever You're Ready by James Taylor
3. After the Party by Koffee Brown
4. The Remedy by Jason Mraz
5. Why Can't I? by Liz Phair
6. Strange Condition by Pete Yorn
7. Senorita by Justin Timberlake
8. Only Heart by John Mayer
9. Daisy Jane by America
10. After the Love Has Gone by Earth, Wind & Fire

Pirate's Booty

So... Survivor last night. Disappointing. The Morgan Tribe sucks! I mean, they suck large donkey balls. I hope they can get it together because I always have some sympathy for the underdog.

I'm in a strange state of mind today. I had unsettling dreams last night, the kind where you're not sure whether they actually happened or not.

Only 8 hours to get through before it's the weekend! And this should be a fun one. We're having a huge get-together that's serving as a wedding reception for my husband and I, since we got married in Vegas. I'll get to see a lot of people I don't see that often, and all of our family will be getting together for the first time.

Ugh... so much to do...

Informer (Snow)

As my alarm clock broadcast 50 Cent's "P.I.M.P", my husband leaned over me to kiss me goodbye. He then broke the news to me. "It's snowing."

The first words out of my mouth, before I could even realize that I was awake, were "dammit," quickly followed by "fuck".

October freakin' second! Seriously though! What's the deal?

I'm pretty sure that only 5 snowflakes actually fell over northeast Ohio, but every commuter forgot all their skills on the road and made my morning drive ever-so-much-more pleasant than usual. So I had to break out the "anti road rage" Cd and play it extra loud just to make it to work without ramming my car into the back of a BMW.

Luckily, my office is pretty lax about lateness, especially on days like this.

Geez. Snow already. Break out the Prozac, it's going to be a long, depressing winter. From now til June.

Jimmy was a racecar driver

My friend Chrissy just told me that her cousin married a Nascar driver and how ashamed she was to have a Nascar driver-marryin' family member. She also has another cousin who married a milkmaid. Like, that's her occupation. Milkmaid. We surmised that she must wear long braids and carry a bucket around.

My Queer Guy

I have decided, after long deliberation, that I want Kyan to be my queer eye.

I would have gone with Carson, but it seems like he's everyone's #1, so Kyan it is.

Kyan is a cool name. Unusual. Exotic. Kind of like Kyle, kind of like Ryan... yeah.

If you're happy and you know it ...

My boss just asked me if I was happy. Like, happy with the work I'm doing right now. Is there a correct answer to this question? I mean, I don't jump for joy every morning when I wake up, but I don't hate my job, either. But so I answered "yeah," and he said, "well, that didn't sound too convincing." What does he want me to say? It was awkward. But as usual, I made a joke and changed the subject so it all ended fine. But strange.