Monday, June 22

Any day now

Dear Future Me,

I realize that it's customary in a mommy blog type of post to address your post to your born/unborn child. However, since I'm sure my son will have absolutely no interest in this information at any point in his life, I am addressing it to my future self.

Time is moving so quickly, and I know that in a few days, I'll have totally forgotten the sensation of what it's like to be pregnant. I'll be so caught up in the new reality of having a newborn and an almost-4 year old. Two kids. Holy crap. Whose idea was this anyway?????

So here's a brief update/reminder about what this pregnancy has been like for me.

My total weight gain has been just shy of 20 pounds. This is not too shabby, I'm told. I'm also told, repeatedly, how great I look, how small I am, how it doesn't look like I'm as far along as I am. And trust me, I LOVE IT. This is probably the last time in my life I'll have such a fuss made over me and the way I look.

I am carrying low, all in the front. My belly button has caved in on itself and I worry that it may create a sucking vaccuum that will absorb my entire body.

My diabetes is in check through a glucose supplement. During the day, I experience sugar crashes, which I quell by various means, including the consumption of little pieces of Dove dark chocolate that I stash in my purse. And maybe Jelly Bellies. I also have been indulging in low-carb ice cream. I am so grateful to live in a time where there is such a wide and tasty variety of ice cream that doesn't make me feel guilty for eating it. Even a few years ago, when I was diabetic and pregnant with Doodle, there was one brand of low-carb ice cream, a few flavors, half of which tasted like crap. Thank you, Breyers, you have been my favorite this time around.

I am supposedly anemic, and have been my entire life, unbeknownst to me. But ever since the diabetes was discovered, I haven't heard another peep out of my doctors about it. Guess it's not that great of a concern. I'm still taking my iron supplement though, as directed.

Emotionally I am about as all over the map as one could get. I'm excited and anxious to meet this new little one. I am scared as hell about having two kids to juggle and love and attend to. I am frustrated because the house isn't ready. I am nervous about the birthing process, in particular, the possibility of having a c-section. I am dreading the exhaustion. I am looking forward to being able to sleep on my stomach again. I am sad that these next few days may be the last time I feel the strange, wonderful and somewhat terrifying sensation of a living being moving inside of me. I am craving an entire bag of Red Vines, chased with Cheetos. I cry at the drop of a hat. Note to self: do not watch Disney movies while pregnant. Especially if the movie in question features the death of an animal, animal's parent, animal's spouse, or any kind of parental tender moment. I'm looking at you, Nemo!

And of course, I'm having the normal fears. That something might be wrong with the baby. He has an extra head, perhaps. Is that normal?

I feel like I've been pregnant for so long that I no longer know how NOT to be pregnant. What will it feel like to wear my regular clothes again? My elastic waisted pants are so comfortable, I just may never go back to button-down jeans.

And just a few words about Doodle. Oh, this kid is already giving me heartache about the baby. Yesterday he announced that he didn't want to be a big brother. Sorry, Charlie. He's been having temper tantrums, mostly directed at me. But at night, he wants me to cuddle him when he goes to bed. A few weeks ago, the goodnight cuddle would last, at most, five minutes. I had things to do - showers to take, Tivo to catch up on, STUFF. Now I'll find myself lingering in there until I almost fall asleep, just because I feel like this time is his, what little of it is left. And because I know this time where he wants me is also waning. I want to savor the quiet hum of the humidifier. I'll lay there, staring at the back of Doodle's head, his perfectly-shaped ears, and try and appreciate the moment for what it is.

To have heard me tell it, this has been the world's most difficult pregnancy on record, but I realize that to have the privilege of carrying a child is something not every woman gets. And for that I am blessed. And for all the headaches, the pinpricks, the non-stress tests, the iron supplements, the - yes I'm going to say it - stool softeners, the result of having a healthy son is worth every moment I suffered.

Just a couple more days ...