Monday, March 23

Justify My Love

(Note: Writer Diablo Cody really stole my thunder on this one. Her essay on the same topic appeaared in this week's Entertainment Weekly. But, at least I'm in good company.)

I guess I must be lame.

I have never worked a pole, danced drunkenly atop a bar, made out with another girl while dancing drunkenly atop a bar. All my clothing more than reasonably covers areas which should be covered, all of which areas are silicone-free. I do not own an eyelash curler, nor would I know what to do with one if I had one. As far as I know, I've never thrown a drink at anyone. I've never entered a wet t-shirt contest. And I'm not blonde. Naturally or otherwise.

I would most certainly be categorized into the "lame" bus. These factors alone would make me a sure-fire thing to NOT appear on the show "Rock of Love Bus," but let's say for some reason I had a desire to date (if that's what we're calling it) former Poison front-man Brett Michaels, along with several other girls who absolutely have experience with at least one, if not all, of the above list of my "nevers." All of us. Simultaneously. Swapping fluids. With him, and when he's not available, with each other.

Damn ... I almost wore this exact outfit to work today.

And I admit it ... all of this? Is FASCINATING to me. I can't get enough of it. "Rock of Love Bus" on Vh-1 is the only show I tivo and watch the same day. Then I lament the fact that I have to wait another week for the new installment.

I didn't watch the prior seasons, but I may go back and do so now that I have gotten on the Bus. It's a feel-good show. Feel-good in that it makes me feel good about myself, my life, the way I behave in public. I have never made the acquaintance of any girls like these girls. I wouldn't even know where to find girls like this. And for that, I am glad. Big hair, big boobs, big makeup, big personalities, big problems. And this ain't The Bachelor. These girls are vying to date an aging rock star, who himself is manufactured out of silicone and synthetic hair. This entails life on the road, complete with groupies throwing themselves at Michaels at every turn. And this is AFTER one of the girls beats out all the others who have made out with, slept with, grinded on, done pole dances for Brett.

Sounds like the ideal cornerstone for any successful relationship.

The "competitions" within the show all exploit the girls' assets, their ignorance, and their willingness to down several shots of whatever alcohol is available and try and impress Michaels. Often, Michaels sits alone in an observation room, viewing the girls in action on a hidden camera. Sometimes his criteria for who does well in a competition is whether or not the girl in question looked hot while performing the task. And sometimes that's all they need to be saved.

The winners of the competition get to go on a one-on-one (or three-on-one, whatever) date with Brett. Brett may make out with all three of the girls on this date. And everyone seems ok with this. It's part of what they signed up for. Until they go back to the bus in a drunken rage and cry about how horrible it is to see Michaels with the other girls and how they want to go home. And then pour an entire jar of salsa into another contestants' bag because you THINK she talked smack about you. (Did I mention how deliciously catty these girls are??) Then, the next day, they're back up on the bar or the pole, hoping Michaels chooses them to continue to "rock his world." Mama would be so proud.

And despite that, there are actually a few girls who I am rooting for. Girls who aren't larger than life (well, except for the parts made of silicone). But do I really want them to "win" the show? Do I want Brett to pick the nicest, sweetest girl? I honestly don't know. Is that a prize or a punishment? Is it something you want to tell the grandkids one day?

Friday, March 20

Oh hai

Coming soon ... actual posts!

Couple things happened ... first ... it is WAY more easy to think of witty one-liners to put in a facebook status update than it is to come up with a whole post. I plan on changing that. Second ... I got knocked up again. Doodle is getting a brother this summer. But you knew that, right? Because you've also got the facebook addiction.

Anyway, more to come very, very soon. I promise.

Yes, I am making that face on purpose. That is Daniel's "big crazy" face, which is usually made by a cartoon character to indicate their displeasure at a situation.