Skinny pants
I have on new pants today. They're grey pinstripe pants that I bought for about fifteen bucks at a store I'm too ashamed to admit I shop at.

Anyhow, one of my co-workers told me that they make me look skinny and now, I am going to wear these pants every day for the rest of my life.

Holiday Greetings

Since I don't have the lion's share of your addresses, here is a version of the Doodle Christmas card that I sent out this year.

Happy holidays to all of you... and thanks for reading.

Meme This (#3)
Courtesy of Mensch

PLOT
What's your secret TV show? The one that you don't tell anyone that you watch/like but do.

The O.C. Although it's the first show where I could actually see it jumping the shark as it was happening, instead of looking back to a particular moment in time where a show jumped the shark. And that would be when Marissa died.

CHARACTER
Do you have good posture?

Horrible. Call me Quasimodo. I'm working on correcting it. I hunch over really bad at work especially.


THOUGHT
What are your three favorite blogs?

Don't put me on the spot!
Oh, ok, if you insist.
Dooce
Ze Frank (will you marry me?)
Tuna News

DICTION
How would you describe your taste in music?

All over the map. But excluding country.

SOUND
Fingernails on the chalkboard. Annoying habit or pain inducing torture device?

Fingernails on the chalkboard is a bad one... scraping ice... any metal dragging on the ground, like when someone drags a metal chair.


SPECTACLE
Describe a family or work drama. With narrative.

Brain too fried to attempt this one. May come back to at a later date.
/end cop-out

Meme This! (#2)

PLOT
What person(s) has impacted the direction of your life either professionally or spiritually?

Professionally... I guess I'd have to say my boss. For all the bitching I do about work, I really do like him, and he has given me some incredible opportunities here.

Spiritually, I don't know. I don't really think of myself as a spiritual person, maybe it was all the Catholic school. I'll blame the nuns.

CHARACTER
What bad habit do you promise to kick but never actually do?

Biting my nails. I don't do it as bad as I used to, but when I'm stressin', the nails are the first thing to go.

THOUGHT
How many books do you read each month? What are you reading now?

I used to be a much better reader. Now I average about a book a year. I think I may have finished one this year (but started it last year) and just finished another. I have a third that I am almost done with.

Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
The Master Butcher's Singing Club by Louise Erdich

DICTION
List three of the most misused (or mispronounced) words in the English language?

Nuclear: Nu-clee-ar, not Nu-cue-lar
Realtor: Real-tor, not rel-a-tor
Coke: POP not SODA

SOUND
What can you hear right now while you are answering this question?
Kindly Old Granny Admin on the phone and IBL wandering up the hallway with change jingling in his pocket

SPECTACLE
What an "over the top" luxury that you cannot do without?

My DVR. Which died on Friday! I lost over 40 hours of television that I hadn't watched yet.

I feel ... strangely liberated.

The Dancin' Machine in Action

Watch him get down.

Doodle Bops
I've been in denial for a few weeks now.

One Saturday morning, in desperation to find something on television to appease my sixteen-month-old, I stumbled across three frighteningly-painted, flamboyant adults who dance and sing and talk to puppets. Doodle was instantly transfixed, much to my horror. Since then, the Doodlebops have become part of our daily ritual, so much so that I tape it during the day for us to watch in the evenings.

So we're watching it the other day, all of us, my husband included, when my husband turns to me and says, "You know what? I think we enjoy this show more than he does."

What? That's ridiculOH MY GOD HE'S RIGHT.

Somehow, this kids show, with these freaky deaky people, and their surprisingly catchy songs, has become something I actually look forward to watching. Maybe it has something to do with how much Doodle enjoys it. In fact, he recently added the word "Dee Dee" (she's the cute one in the purple) to his vocabulary. But actually? It's not too bad. Once you get past the fact that Rooney and Moe are obviously lovers.

The Mensch Meme
*gasp*
Two posts in one day? What is this, 2004?
I had been having some problems with Blogger in Beta, but it turned out that I just needed to clear my cache. Out out, damn cache!

Mensch posted her own meme and threw down the gauntlet, so to speak, for responses. Damn, these were hard! They made me think and stuff! But here are my answers...

PLOT
What is the meanest thing someone has done to you?

Sixth grade. My little clique of friends decided to oust me from the clique. Just for like two weeks. And without reason. It was the most hellish two weeks of sixth grade. But then, just as if nothing had happened, I was welcomed back into the fold. And then we did it to someone else in the group. What wicked little beasts sixth grade girls are.

CHARACTER
Do you have a personal motto? What is it?

Don't take anything too seriously.

THOUGHT
What movie/play do you quote from most often? What is the quote?

"Total fucking silence." said by Steve Buscemi's character in Fargo. I usually say it when there is a lull in conversation, and I try to do it in my best North Dakotan accent.

Taking a close second would be, "Mmm! That IS a tasty burger!" said by Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

DICTION
Give three adjectives that describe your hair.

I'll describe it as it is right now.
Wavy, crunchy, bangin' (TM Jonathan Antin)

SOUND
Is there a jingle or tune from an ad that you can't get out of your head? What is it?

This will only make sense if you are from northeast Ohio...
Garfield 1, 2-3 2-3, Garfield 1, 2-3 2-3

SPECTACLE
List three places on Earth that you would like to visit before you die.

Australia
Hawaii
Italy

The big game
Well, it's that time of year, that time when my blog picks up some extra traffic because once, one time, I mentioned the phrase "anti-Michigan jokes."

So in the spirit of giving, I thought I'd post a few that I've heard recently... keeping in mind that I bleed maize and blue.

And here we go...

Q: What kind of car does Jim Tressel own?
A: LLOYD CARR!

*slaps knee*

Q: How many U of M students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One... but he gets three college credits for it!

*HAR HAR!!!!!*

And finally...

Did you hear there was a fire at U of M yesterday? It was in the football players' locker room. Twenty books were destroyed! But the real tragedy is... five of them hadn't been colored yet!

*ROFLMAO!!!11111one1111111!!!!*

OK, OSU fans, go back to crushing beer cans on your heads and scaring small children. Nothing to see here.

GO BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He can dance if he wants to
When my husband went to pick up Doodle from day care on Friday afternoon, he learned that Doodle has a new nickname...

Dan Dan the Dancin' Machine

Now I have to wonder. What kind of moves has my son been busting at school to merit this?

Office Update
I thought I would update y'all with some snippets of what's been going on in this crazy ol' workplace of mine.

Incompetent but Likeable has been working with a personal trainer. (See: jump rope story) but now has taken it one step further -- by learning how to box. This is the most uncoordinated, goofy guy you ever want to meet, who is now throwing punches at a sparring partner. Not to mention, he's been showing off his moves in the office. And doing some kind of yoga moves. Picture Daniel-san in the Karate Kid, up on one leg, and then picture a bald guy in his 50's doing that pose, and you'll get the idea. Again, he practices these moves in the office.

Kindly Old Granny Admin has been slipping into phases of major forgetfulness. We had a meeting a couple of weeks ago, and she went around to each of us, told us when it was, and then she herself did not show to the meeting, appeared confused when someone came and got her, and said she didn't know we were having a meeting. Sad. I don't know if she even realizes. There are many other instances that I won't detail here, but suffice to say, it's been happening a lot lately.

All the bosses are out at some boss retreat thing, so the office has been very quiet. Except for the Office Spy, who I think secretly thinks she is running the office. She is the one who says "knock knock" when she comes to my cube. It makes my skin crawl when she does it.

At this boss' retreat, apparently they're at some posh resort, and my boss and a buddy went skeet shooting today. I'm just waiting for the report on this one. I sent him a text yesterday that said, "You'll shoot your eye out!"

Bad Lady has been surprisingly pleasant lately, so much so that I might have to change her nickname to "Not So Bad After All Lady". Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, though, huh.

Fall back
Apparently Doodle didn't get the memo about Daylight Savings Time. How are you supposed to explain to a baby (or two cats who want you to get up and give them breakfast, for that matter) that your routine has suddenly changed by one hour? Doodle was so out of whack yesterday that he was exhausted by 6:30, despite our best attempts to keep him awake. And you know the old saying, early to bed, early to rise... well, he rose at FOUR. That's right, four a.m. Even if the clocks hadn't changed, which would mean that it was actually five a.m., this is a totally unacceptable wake-up time for our household. There's nothing on t.v., and I'm too tired to try and watch something that I've tivoed.

In other Doodle news, the little budding genius has added a new word to his vocab: ELMO. He still doesn't call me "mommy" in context, but he can identify his favorite red, furry annoying puppet.

So for those keeping score at home, here are the words Doodle can say at the proper time...
Kitty
Uh-oh
Hi
Bye
Dad
Elmo

*mutters under breath*

Lost and found
This will tell you all you need to know about how clean my house is.

I was reading this book. The title is irrelevant, but it was one that I really enjoyed, when I could find the time to read, which is not that often.

The last time I got my hair done, which was about 4 weeks ago, I brought this book with me to read while my color was setting. Of course, I never read the books I read when I go to the salon, because they have People magazine there, and that is the only place that I feel I can read People without too much shame.

A couple weeks later, I had a doctor's appointment. I went to look for that book to take with me to the waiting room. I looked high and low, and couldn't find it. It wasn't under the bed, on a bookshelf (!!), on the kitchen table, under the pile of mail, or under the living room sofa. I thought maybe Doodle had taken it somewhere, but none of the usual hiding places (Pack and Play, basement, beneath crib) yielded any results. I then remembered that I had last seen this book when I took it to my hair appointment, and that I must have left it there. I even went so far as to ask my stylist if she had seen it.

This morning, I was in a "what to wear to work" crisis, nearing meltdown status. It's cold outside but not winter yet, so it's not time to break out the winter ensemble, but the fall clothes that I have aren't warm enough, and my black pants were too wrinkled, etc. So I was tearing through my closet, and remembered a certain blouse that I haven't worn in a while. Here comes the part where I reveal the squalor that I am living in. I thought that it was in a laundry basket of unfolded clothes in the bedroom. I rifled through the laundry basket, and -- voila -- not only the blouse, but my missing book! So that means, roughly, at least four weeks have passed since I folded this particular batch of laundry.

I could try and justify it by saying that most of the time, I'm folding laundry at night, after Doodle has gone to bed. And, my closet is still in Doodle's room. So I can't hang up those clothes while Doodle's sleeping. Thus they go back into the basket, for hanging up at a time when Doodle is awake. And it's one of those things where it's out of sight, out of mind. But still. Four weeks? And that's being generous!

Oh well. At least I can finish my book. Someday.

Further proof that he's a genius


It's Doodle! I'm telling you, the kid's heading straight for Mensa.

Public enemy #1


It's that time of year.
Our old friend, Mr. Pumpkin, comes out of his 11-month hiatus on the top shelf in our copy room and brings forth a bounty of sugary goodness.

During the entire month of October, my boss fills this plastic, grinning, hollowed out pumpkinhead with various goodies to please all the ghouls and boys around the office.

Because we're all whiny bitches, we've been asking for Mr. Pumpkin to make an early appearance -- but today was actually his debut for 2006. Current booty: Snickers, Butterfingers, Peanut M&Ms, and Twizzlers. I've had two Twizzlers already, and the day is young.

I'll have trouble fitting into my clothes by month's end. When it comes to candy, I have absolutely no control over myself. I know it's bad for me, and yet if it's there, I'll eat it. You should see my desk drawer after we visit the candy store nearby. It's a sickness. A sweet, sweet sickness.

Come to mama.

Road trip
This coming Friday, please pray for me. If you don't pray, send me some good vibrations.

My entire department is taking a road trip.

We're going to meet with our counterparts at our parent company. This fact alone is good reason for the Hail Marys. Making it worse? Incompetent but Likeable volunteered to drive.

Short of my 86 year old grandmother, IBL is THE scariest driver on the road. I once had to go with him to take pictures at an event, and I became very acquainted with the curbs of the suburban streets on which we were driving. I can't imagine what a long distance drive with IBL would be like, and more importantly, I will not do it. I have a child to think about. Who needs his mother.

Thankfully, I told my boss I would drive with him, and since he drives BELOW the speed limit, I think I have a fighting chance of surviving at least the driving part. We'll see what happens when we reach our destination.

Dancin'
I watched this show last night for the first time that has apparently been popular for quite some time now. It was called "So the Stars Think They Can Dance."

Frankly, I don't get it. Maybe I just don't appreciate ballroom dancing, or know the little nuances, but when I see that chick who used to be married to the tatooed skinny guy from Blink One Hundred and Eighty-Two (tm my father-in-law)cuttin' a rug to an orchestral version of Kris Kross' "Jump", I have to scratch my head.

I'm all for the cheese factor. But this was boring cheese. Moldy cheese. Fromunda cheese.

The only high point was when A.C. Slater's trainer punched his lights out. Heh.

The only problem is, there's nothing else on on Tuesday nights, so I just may end up watching this nonsense again. I need help.

Knockoff
I'm pretty sure I'm in possession of a sketchy purse.

A few days ago, I went to a little gathering at someone's house, and there were some "designer" purses for sale there. Think Tupperware, but handbags.

Um, it wasn't me. It was a friend of mine. Actually, I wouldn't call them a friend so much as an acquaintence. A stranger really. I'm making this all up.

So anyway, this fictitious person who went to this non-existent purse party picked up a sharp little number that is a dead-on replica of a ... famous designer whose name starts with Kate and ends with Spade.

It's so dead-on that to this totally made-up person (who is DEFINITELY not me, nor any of my friends or relatives) wouldn't know the real deal from the not-so-real deal. This made-up character isn't really brand-savvy to begin with, but it looks authentic. And so did all the other purses at the party. So this girl, who I don't even really know, is beginning to think that maybe these ARE real, and that they fell off a truck somewhere.

This woman, who I have completely made up in my mind, as well as this party, because it certainly never happened, was a little bit sketched out when the woman who brought all the purses to the party had me, I mean her, make the check out to "cash."

Now my fictitious friend is having buyer's remorse and hasn't even used this fake Kate once. For now, she still uses her trusty old purse purchased from the designer boutique known as Tarjay.

Evs
Ah, so another summer show has run its course. Can I get an amen?

Rockstar: Supernova (also known as Rocktard -- thank you to whatever HT'er coined this term) ended last night, and glammed up rocker Lukas was the winner.

Evs.

I was a Magni fan myself. As a whole I think the Supernova originals were unimpressive, and the rocker contestants' tracks had much more potential.

I just heard on the radio that Supernova cannot keep that band name, as there is another Supernova that sued them for the rights to the name. The other Supernova won.

I have a suggestion for them, and it's a good one: Savage Animal. I'm sure Sebastian Bach won't mind.

What's even funnier
Is that later that day, after the jump rope incident, IBL was pegged on the head by a beach ball. In our office. He was not the intended target, but an innocent bystander. He was in a co-worker's cube, and another co-worker threw the beach ball over the cubicle wall, not knowing that IBL was in there. Much hilarity ensued.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
This morning, in my boss' office

I'll share, because it's one that I want to remember for when I write my tell-all book about my place of employ.

Apparently, IBL works out. With a trainer. Which is funny enough on its own, but only if you know the guy.

So... he's working out, with the trainer, and they're jumping rope. Which is funny enough on its own, but only if you know the guy.

So... he's jumping rope, and somehow his foot gets caught in the rope, he goes down, and sprains his ankle. Which is funny enough... you know the drill.

What we were cracking up about, however, was imagining the people who got to witness this firsthand. IBL is anything but graceful. He startles when people approach his desk. He walks into things all the time. He walks backwards down the halls of the office. With his tongue out. So the jump rope incident had to be nothing short of a train wreck. I'm sure the personal trainer and about 4 or 5 other people got tangled in the rope, there was property damage involved, the whole nine.

OK, I guess it's only funny if you know the guy.

Mailing it in

I saw this on one of my myspace friends' bulletins, and usually I don't do memes, but this one looked like fun...

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
yes

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
I don't think so, but it's been a while since I've been on one, so I don't remember.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
Hmm. 8th grade?

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
I sleep with someone else every night, but truth be told, I'm a bedhog.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Not until one comes up and smacks me upside the head.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Only on Tuesdays

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Is the sky blue?

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Rachel, all the way!

9. Do you stay friends with your exs?
Not usually

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Not at all ;)

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
I love sleeping way too much.

12. What's your favorite commercial?
The Geico Caveman commercials. "I'll have the roast duck, with the mango salsa..."
"I don't have much of an appetite, thanks."

13. What are you allergic to?
Strangely, nothing.

14. What is right to the right of you?
Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, several piles of CDs, and a printer.

15. Have you ever had a Choco Taco?
I think so but they're not as good as Cookiepuss.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
Satan or Beezlebub? Do I HAVE to choose?

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Took lessons and was on my way to being a pro; had it not been for the song "Thriller" for Michael Jackson I might be chillin' with Michelle Kwan right about now! (I was terrified of the Vincent Price laugh part of this song when I was 5 or 6, and they played it at the rink where I took lessons, so every time the song came on I had to hide in the bathroom. Eventually I just quit taking lessons from the trauma of the evil laughter.)

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Pretty much every day.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
This morning, in my boss' office

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
I'll name my five favorites:
Michelle
Something (all-time favorite -- might be on my top 10 favorite songs of all)
If I Fell
Yesterday
While My Guitar Gently Weeps

21. What's the one thing on your mind now?
getting to bed

22. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Abso-frickin-lutely.

23. Do you put salt on a turkey dinner?
not usually

24. Do you always wear your seat belt?
That's me, goody two shoes.

25 what cell service do you use?
cingular

26. Do you like Sushi?
*hurls*

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
*knocks on wood*

28. What do you wear to bed?
Some t-shirt/short combo. Tonight: an Ohio U tee and mens boxers that I've probably worn since 8th grade

29. Been caught stealing?
See answer 24

30. Have you ever been on the funny website?
what the hell does this even mean?

31. Do you truly hate anyone?
As my husband asked his brother: "Do you hate people yet?"
"No, not yet."

32. Classic Rock or Rap?
Classic rap.

33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
*mulls*
Ryan Adams.

34. Have you ever been punched in the face?
No chick fights.

35. What food do you find disgusting?
Raw tomatoes (but not cooked ones), all fish, raw onions (but not cooked ones), raw mushrooms (but not cooked ones), cauliflower, veal, cool ranch doritoes, probably many more if I really gave it some thought.

36. Do you sing in the shower?
I'm a shower supah-stah!

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?
If I did, I don't recall.

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Yes. Today. And the day before.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Probably?

40. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?
The mirror is my biggest fan.

The day after the holiday
What's the best thing about today?
It's Tuesday.
What's the worst thing about today?
It's Tuesday.

My holiday weekend was exhausting. Not because I did a ton of stuff, but because I was with a certain 13-month-old who just discovered the fine art of walking, and wants to do it ALL. THE. TIME. The aforementioned 13-m.o. also developed a cold sometime during the weekend and turned into a snot faucet. Trying to wipe his nose? Not so fun for him or me.

I haven't really had much to post about lately, I don't know if that's just because my life is that boring, which it is, or if I have been finding other ways to amuse myself online. Or both.

I will now return to my afternoon of eating candy at my desk and ticking off the seconds until 5 o'clock.

Rest in peace, mate.

Too Tired to Eat

I see dead people... but it could be because I'm STONED OFF MY ASS!

From Associated Press
August 17, 2006 7:51 PM EDT
GLENDALE, Calif. - Teen actor Haley Joel Osment, who suffered a broken rib last month when his car struck a mailbox, faces up to six months in jail on charges that he was driving drunk and possessing marijuana, authorities said.

Osment's blood-alcohol level after the July 20 crash was measured at .16 percent, twice the legal limit, said Jane Robison, a spokeswoman for the Los Angeles County district attorney's office.

The 18-year-old actor was charged Thursday with misdemeanor counts of driving under the influence, marijuana possession and driving under the influence with the special allegation of having a blood-alcohol content of .15 percent or higher. He also faces a vehicle code infraction of being under the age of 21 and driving with a blood-alcohol level of .05 percent or greater.

Osment was scheduled to be arraigned Sept. 19 in Glendale Superior Court.

His attorney will work with authorities to arrange a time for the star of such films as "The Sixth Sense" and "Pay it Forward" to surrender, Robison said. The district attorney plans to request that bail be set at $15,000.

DreamWorks spokesman and family friend Marvin Levy said Thursday the family would have "no comment at this time" on the charges. Levy said Wednesday that Osment has recovered from injuries that landed him in the hospital and is preparing to attend college in the fall.

The actor recently finished work on the film "Home of the Giants."

"He's fine. The injuries were slight, not serious," Levy said.

Authorities said Osment was driving home alone about 1 a.m. when his 1995 Saturn hit a mailbox and flipped over.

Shameful
This afternoon at lunch, I was sitting out at the picnic table with some co-workers and someone said, "Let's not go back in."

Without thinking, I said, "I'll co-sign that."
Horrifying. I used a bb-ism.

Bits and pieces

1. Twice within the past week, acquaintences of mine have asked me, upon first seeing me, if I'm pregnant. So this has me freaked out because either a) I'm pregnant; or b) I look pregnant. Maybe that trip to the candy store really didn't help me out too much in that respect.
2. Doodle took about 8 or 9 steps yesterday, from the TV stand, across the living room, to me, where I was sitting in a rocking chair. He was wearing just a onesie so it was hilarious to see his little skinny bird legs come toddling toward me. I'll have to make a movie of it soon.
3. Over the weekend I volunteered at the zoo, as part of a child safety campaign for my company. It involved standing in a tent and fingerprinting a ton of little kids. Two slightly amusing things happened there:

• Two really cute girls who looked to be sisters, maybe 6 or 7 years old, came up with their parents. One proudly declared, "I'm getting a baby brother!" And, for some strange reason, I asked, "Is this your sister?" At which point, the mom said, "No, this is the aunt and the neice, even though they're only three months apart!" Well, shut my mouth. Will never ask familial questions AGAIN.
• This will only be relevant to Clevelanders: ageless meterologist Dick Goddard walked up to our tent and asked me where the amphitheater was. I had no idea, which is what I told him, and he was gone before it even registered to me that Dick Goddard had just asked me where the amphitheater was.

If ever I were to hurl at work, it would be today
Note to self: do not eat leftover taco casserole for lunch and then agree to go here. Hello, sugar shock. How I've missed you.

An August Post
Wow. It's August already? Who knew!
I haven't really had anything post-worthy to say lately, but when has that stopped me before! Haw!

Doodle has been attempting to walk, but the large goose-egg sized bruises on his head are testament to the fact that he's just not ready yet.

Lots of family drama, but nothing that I want to spew forth to the Internet at large.

Been watching the hamsters but they're so goddamned boring.

I played wayyyyyyyy to much mahjong on the computer last night... I can still see the tiles in my head when I close my eyes.

That's all I got.

Responsible parenting
I got a call from day care this afternoon. Which usually means that I am leaving work several minutes later to come pick up a feverish, or vomiting, Doodle.

However, today they were just calling me to report an "incident" that had occurred while Doodle was sitting at the infant table. Apparently he grabbed a bottle that was on the table that wasn't his and started to drink it. The bottle contained breast milk.

I'm not sure if I was supposed to be alarmed or upset at this news, but I was neither/nor. I just said, "Ok, thanks for letting me know," and that was that.

Call me crazy, but breast milk is probably the most healthy thing he put in his mouth today.

I think it's because I've seen Doodle eat a clump of cat hair/dust bunny material, and nothing bad happened to him then. OK, he really didn't eat it as much as it was hanging from his bottom lip for what probably qualifies as "more time than a good parent would allow."

Fun and games at the company event
Last night was my company's "Family Night" at the Indians game. Before the game there was a big tailgate party in a parking lot near the Jake.

All was going well until this guy showed up:


Never trust a gorilla in an assless hula skirt, I always say.

To err is human...
An e-mail arrived this morning fresh from my boss' brain with our "thought for the day." This isn't something he does every day, just today, actually.

It said something like this. "In order to maintain our high standard of quality, please always error [emphasis mine] on the side of caution and send all materials to our proofreader before we go to print."

Sensing an opportunity to be a smartass and delighting in the irony that he committed a grammatical gaffe in an e-mail pertaining to catching just such things, I replied to his e-mail with, "Actually, it's 'err' on the side of caution, but, point taken."

Then he replied with some other smartass remark. I'm glad I have a boss with a sense of humor.

Two revelations that will make me sleep easier at night
I don't know if you have heard this or not, but Oprah? NOT gay. That's right, she's not gay! That ends the age-long speculation that... oh wait, NO ONE THOUGHT she was gay in the first place! However, why the sudden mention of the non-gayness? It's almost like it's damage control. Like the adage says, "she who smelt it, dealt it."

And thankfully, Suri Cruise has been spotted. By a fellow scientologist, Leah Remini. OK. That clears that up. Phew. I'm compiling a list of potential future daughters-in-law, and I wanted to make sure Suri was still in the dating pool. I don't care how crazy her parents are. I want to retire a wealthy woman.

Beautiful Birthday Boy



Close your eyes
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run,
And your [mommy's] here,



Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy.



Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,



Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy.



Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,


Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans,



Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy.
-John Lennon "Beautiful Boy"

Smashing

More to come tomorrow.

So, tell me if you think this is weird...
Doodle's birthday party is this Saturday. It's a family affair. I don't exactly know how many people are coming, but that's another post.

So a couple weekends ago, we're over at the in-laws' house. My hubby's younger brother has this new girlfriend. New within the past year. He was visiting her while we were there. So while we're there, he calls and asks if HER PARENTS can come to Doodle's birthday.

My first reaction was, why would they WANT to? Am I to be hosting a "meet the parents" gig at my house?

My second reaction was, sure, if they bring a present.

Strange
This morning, the turnpike lady, who I don't even see all that often, noticed that I changed my hair color. What does this say about me? I'm not sure. I just feel kinda weird about it.

Thought for the day
Just because you can make a movie like "Little Man," doesn't mean that you should.

It's official
Summer cannot officially begin until I hear DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince "Summertime." And now I have, and so it can.

Other summer songs:
Summer of 69 - Bryan Adams
Summertime Rolls - Janes Addiction
Summer Breeze - Seals and Crofts
Summer Nights - Travolta/Newton-John

Hmm. *makes mix on Rhapsody*

Just another Monday
By a show of hands, who else is in the office today?



...


That's pretty much what I thought.

A day at the beach

OK, not really. Doodle got his 1-year old pics taken this weekend. Check out the rest of the pics here.

OK, now I'm mad
I got a new computer at work this week. Usually, this would be a joyous occasion, but there was nothing wrong with the old one, other than it was old. It worked fine, never wonked out, all the programs worked, and most importantly, I had everything just the way I like it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad I now have the Photoshop CS2 and all that jazz, but now there's this admin b.s. on my computer and I can't download Itunes. Ergo, I can't listen to all of the stuff I've previously downloaded (thank God I saved the folder where all the music was, otherwise, that would have been ghandi). Not only that, but I can't change any settings without the blessing of a techie. Forget about updating flash, quicktime, etc., because it's not happening. Which means, I also can't watch my favorite new vlogger, Ze.

Thankfully I still can surf the net without any repurcussions, otherwise I don't know if I could handle it. A friend of mine had his net surfing kibboshed at work when they erected (*beavis laugh*) a firewall that blocks out all entertainment-related sites. God help me if that happens here. Or rather, God help the techies.

Making a Stand

A little snippet of Doodle learning how to stand up, from about a month ago

And so it begins
The summer television lineup. I'll miss the start of the HT season today because I'll be miserable at the Indians game tonight. Miserable because a) they suck; b) it's supposed to rain. I tivo'ed it though, so by tomorrow, I should be caught up.

Other shows in the Tivo queue: Treasure Hunters (confusing so far from what I've watched), Hell's Kitchen from Monday, the 24 finale (yeah, I'm THAT behind), and of course, my favorite new show, SuperGroup. If you haven't seen this show already, I highly recommend it for two reasons: 1. Ted Nugent. The Nuge! Although in this show he doesn't fire a gun at anything resembling game, at least not yet. 2. Former Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach. You gotta love him. He is a parody of himself and doesn't even know it. It's great. It makes me happy.

Doodle update: Keep off the grass
The just-turned-11 month old Doodle is full of curiosity. There's nothing on this earth he isn't afraid to put in his mouth. No nook or cranny he isn't afraid to explore.

Except the grass.

I have been taking him outside and sitting out on a beach towel with him in our backyard. I bring all sorts of toys and snacks for him and me both to enjoy. After he gets acclimated to the backyard surroundings, he starts to climb on me and pull himself up to a standing position.

But for all the money in the world he will not set one little tootsie on the grass. That beach towel may as well be the end of the earth as far as he's concerned. He even skeeves when his hand veers off the towel and into the Great Unknown.

This could be a good thing, however. Instant babysitter, know what I'm sayin'? I set him down on the beach towel, go do a load of laundry, go grocery shopping, catch up on whatever crap I've tivoed for the week... and then go check up on him. He'd still be on that damn towel! Especially if there was a bag of Pepperidge Farm goldfish on that towel with him!

Pondering
It's June 17th, 2006, and you know what that means...

IT'S TIME FOR MY SEMI-ANNUAL "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE" CRISIS! *spotlights pan the applauding crowd*

This installment of the "what am I doing with my life" crisis includes: to GMAT or not to GMAT. I'm tossing around the idea of going back to school and getting an MBA. I don't think I can get much further in my career without doing something like that. However, this means taking out loans, and we are already living so far beyond our means that our means have a different zip code.

The other thing is, school plus job plus infant = insanity. I barely have free time as it is, so throwing one night or more a week of classes into the mix might just kill me.

Between you, me, and the lamppost, I don't think I am going to be at my job much longer. Things are getting ... weird there.

I'll mull this one over for a little while longer. I'm not going to do anything drastic. Fortunately my husband also goes through this crisis, and in his last go-r0und, he purchased a practice GMAT book. It wouldn't hurt for me to take a look-see at it.

Until next time, this is crisis central, signing off.

Well, THAT'S embarrassing
Twice, now, in the past TWO days, I've walked around the office with my barn door open. Once yesterday at the end of the day I forgot to zip my pants (what is WRONG with me!) after a trip to the restroom, and today I came to work wearing a khaki skirt that zips and buttons in the front and I did the button, just happened to neglect the zipper. I am wearing a top that pretty much covers the zipper, so I hope no one noticed. At least I didn't have toilet paper on my shoe or anything like that. Or a sign on my back that says "Kick Me" ... I probably should have one of those, though, for being such a jackass.

The World Cup: Something for Everyone
Although soccer isn't as wildly popular in the U.S. as it is, basically, everywhere else, I think there are several reasons I will enjoy watching the World Cup during these next sixteen weeks. Or three weeks. Whatever it is.

First of all, as someone who is semi-interested in sports, I admire the intense athleticism it takes to run for 45 minutes straight with no commercial breaks. By the way, insomniacs? I've found your cure.

It is also amusing to see the crowds who are so into the games. My husband and I took up the cheer "go Sveeden!" (In our best -- or worst -- Swedish accent, of course) Which was a throwback joke to when we were watching the Swedes in the curling event during the Olympics. Did you SEE the women's curling team from Sweden? Yikes!

And lastly, I made the discovery (what took me so long?) that soccer players = EYE CANDY. Iran v. Mexico, I'm looking at you.

Same as it ever was
The Talking Heads' song "Once in a Lifetime" came on the radio this morning as I was driving to work, causing me to swerve in traffic. That's because, whenever I hear this song, I instinctually, reflexively, mimic the David Byrne hand motion that he does in the video for this song, which is to take your hand and make chopping motions over your other arm as if you are cutting it into slices. Thus needing to take both hands off the wheel.

I may have to kick a baby's ass
Doodle was bitten by another baby in day care this week. On the finger. It left a tiny bite mark but didn't break the skin or anything like that. My husband had to fill out an "incident report" when he picked Doodle up that day.

The day care lady said she had never seen Doodle cry so hard.They are not allowed to divulge which baby was the perpetrator, which is probably a good thing. If I knew which baby bit my little angel, I'd probably hold a serious grudge.

Bad carrot
My next question is... what is the statute of limitations on a bag of baby carrots?

I am eating some from a bag that's been in my fridge for a good three weeks, if not a month. They're not moldy, and they're not slimy, and they seem to taste fine, but I get skeeved just thinking about expired produce. If there's so much as one rotten spinach leaf in a bag of fresh spinach, the whole thing makes me want to hurl.

I guess my answer is, if I don't die this afternoon, the carrots are ok.

Bad mom
Is it wrong to watch, in its entirety, "Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker" while your 10-month old son is in the room?

If yes, then ... *scoff* Who would DO that? What a bad parent!

If no, then ... I totally did, Saturday morning (what was it doing on Saturday morning anyway!). I still think it's funny, even though I know all the jokes even before he says them.

First word
I don't know if "uh-oh" qualifies as a word, but it's Doodle's first. He said it multiple times yesterday and would say it repeating after me. I don't know if he understands the concept of "uh-oh," but he may have picked it up somewhere. We try not to play the uh-oh game at home, which is where a baby drops something and an adult overexaggeratedly squeals "UH OH!!!!" to the baby. However, it happens at grandma's house a LOT. And I know the kids at day care know what it means. So there you have it. Not "mama", not "dada," but "uh-oh." I hope this doesn't have some deep-seeded meaning.

The rules of Cleveland sports
In my 30 years of living in or near Cleveland, I've come to learn that there are a few things you can count on while rooting for the city's sports teams.

1. Just when you think they're going to be good... they suck.
Case in point: the Indians were supposed to have a good year this year. And they're totally not. We either have good pitching and no hitting, or good hitting and no pitching. We can't get that pitching/hitting combo that would make us the team to beat in the AL Central. Instead, we're chasing Detroit and Chicago. No offense to you, GT, but Detroit is that one team that we're always able to say, "Well, at least we're better than Detroit!" and we can't even do that this year.

2. Just when you've given up hope, they start doing good.
Case in point: Sunday's Indians game. When we saw the pitching matchup (Detroit's Kenny Rogers, who the Indians never have done well against, vs. our Jason Johnson, who, let's be honest here, my grandma could hit), I said to my husband, "That's a guaranteed loss." So what happened? We won, 9-0.

3. They'll only be good enough to build up your hopes only to have them dashed in heartbreaking fashion.
Case in point: the Cavaliers in the playoffs. No one thought we'd even win one game against the Pistons (again with Detroit!) and we took it to game seven. Sure, we got killed in game seven, but who thought we'd even be there!

4. Cleveland is the new Detroit.

Idiot alert #748
This morning I e-mailed one of the VP's in our company a PDF proof of a flyer that I downloaded from one of our partner companies' sites, and basically it was a template that I just needed to add our logo and contact info to. No biggie, right? I slap the company logo on there and e-mail it for approval. I get an e-mail back from her which says, "I don't see the [vendor] logo on there."

Now call me stupid, but when someone says "I don't see the logo", I'm thinking, oh crap, something is wrong with my Acrobat Distiller, that it has taken this logo and banished it to the far reaches of the earth. And that happened to me yesterday, where I created a PDF and a huge graphic disappeared, for no apparent reason at all. So I was thinking that this happened again, even though when I opened the PDF, I could see the logo in question, plain as day.

So I wrack my brain and decide to open the PDF in Photoshop, convert it to a TIF, bring the TIF into InDesign, and then convert it once again to a PDF. That way there would be No Logo Left Behind. I e-mail it to her again and say, "Can you see the logo this time?"

She writes back, "I still don't see it on there."

OK, so by now, I'm one nanosecond away from calling the techies in to examine my computer. But I decide to call the VP instead.

"So you can't see the logo?" I ask. "This is really weird, because I can see it on my screen."

Well, it turns out that there are two versions of the vendor's logo, and she wanted the other one on there. But instead of saying, "Can you put Logo B on there instead of Logo A?" she wasted two hours of my day by making me think that a logo was turning invisible.

Say it with me. Mor-RON!

Soul patr-pfffft!
I'm sorry, was that DAVID HASSELHOFF in the audience... CRYING???
Right up until then, my favorite moment was Covais doing Tom Jones.

American Idol finale checklist drinking game

• Strategically-placed b-list celebs in audience
• Idol rejects in audience looking happy to be sitting where they're sitting
• Gratuitous use of gospel choir
• Horribly-written, cheese factor singles with predictable key changes
• Footage of parents, auditions
• Special surprise guest

Feel free to add any I've forgotten.

I think I just peed myself
If you haven't seen the video of the Evolution of Dance, do yourself a favor and go here. This is one of the single most funny things I think I have ever seen.

From the IBL files
It's been a while since I have posted about Incompetent but Likeable. Believe me, there's been plenty of blog fodder. Yesterday, for instance, he came over on at least three separate occasions to ask me how to use the office's digital camera. Prior to handing it over to him the first time, which I did begrudgingly, I set it up so that all he had to do was remember how to turn it on and remember which button to press to take a picture.

However, being who he is, he turned dials and flipped switches and had it all discombobulated. So I reset it and gave it back to him with the express instruction not to touch anything.

He managed to snap this lovely photo of me in my cube while I was giving him the camera tutorial. The reason why it looks like I'm a squirrel storing nuts for the winter is because I'm eating a jawbreaker. You can see my cube as well and I think I've managed to blur out any company logos that may have appeared...



Immediately after, while walking away, he managed to snap this beauty.

And this is why I don't smoke anymore
I just ate an entire pack of candy cigarettes in like, under two minutes.
Why?
Because I have a meeting coming in any time now. That's why. God forbid I should leave that task undone before my meeting starts.

The tribe has spoken
OK, so my least favorite Survivor season to date is over, and Aras won. The finale was disappointing, in the respect that no one really hated anyone's guts at the end of the show, which always makes for better television than the "sea of forgiveness" that was shown last night. However, Shane, hands down, has the best facial expressions, EVER. Maybe because he's crayzay.

One thing I've always wondered... at the last Tribal Council, after Jeff Probst absconds with the votes and is helicoptered out of Dodge (cue montage of Jeff doing mi:iii type maneuvers to get to Madison Square Garden -- I'm always disappointed when they don't have him doing this), then what happens? Are they just like, ok, go home? After what I am sure is a very stressful night for the two finalists, for it to end so abruptly, just seems strange. I don't know.

In other news: June 21.

Not fair
Survivor ended in a cliffhanger last night. Who's going home?
I guess we'll have to wait til Sunday. Unless you believe the rumor about who wins, allegedly.
I think Terry should win, but won't.

Double Bleh
Who said "stomach virus"? Damn them!
Riiiiiight. It was me.

So I came home from work a little early today...

That's OK. When forced to make a decision between having a stomach virus and watching that Journey video from a couple of posts ago, it would be a close match, but I'd still choose a stomach virus.

Not to mention, for a few brief hours this morning I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was pregnant again. And I was all McCaulay Culkin, face close up, huge scream, but just silent inside my head.

I'm 99.999999999% sure I'm not. But that would be very Britney Spears of me, wouldn't it?

Bleh
I'm fairly certain that Airborne, the orange flavor, is one of the most vile substances that I voluntarily put into my body. I had a nice tall glass of it this morning, because it's my turn to nurture the family cold. I've been on deck for about a week and I am finally at the plate. The plan is then to pass it to my husband, who keeps it for a week or two, and then back to the baby, who prepares it for me. Throw in a stomach virus every once in a while, and there go the rest of my PTO and vacation days for the year.

Kentucky Fried Me
In my effort to get a tan this summer that does not come from a bottle, or from a bed, I ate lunch outside today. As a result, my face and one arm is burnt. I'm foxy.

Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP
I'm pretty sure this is one of the levels of Dante's Inferno. I lasted maybe 20 seconds into the performance before I had to run screeching from the computer screen.

I'll take Gordon Lightfoot coming out of Bad Lady's radio ANY DAY.

The Joel
So, more on Doodle's obsession with Joel McHale...
We were watching "The Soup" again last night, and playing on the floor with the kajillions of noise-making and LCD-happy toys that we have amassed in his 9 1/2 short months on this planet. Every so often, Doodle would look up at the TV and see Joel and just crack up. And Joel wasn't being particularly funny at these moments. Joel was just talking. So, you tell me... what is it with Joel that Doodle loves so much? (Seen here with Lou the dog)

Cute little fart
I was at the post office with Doodle this morning, and in front of us in line were a little girl with her dad. I'm going to ballpark her age at about 3 or 4 years old. There was a poster on the wall with some of the new stamps available. The first stamp was a female author whose name escapes me, and the third stamp down was a famous landmark or castle of some sort.

"Dad, is that Cinderella?" the girl asked, pointing to the author's picture.
"No," he said.
"Who is it?"
"I don't know."

Then, she pointed to the castle. "Is Cinderella in that castle?"
"No," her dad said.
"It's not Disney World?"

She turned and saw Doodle then. "Hi baby!" she squealed, coming close to Doodle's car seat and peering in at him. She waved to him and Doodle smiled at her and kind of waved back.

"Can you high five, baby?" She asked, and high fived his little hand.
He smiled and made a noise back at her.

"You're cute, baby," she said.
"Are you flirtin'?" I asked Doodle. "You little flirt!"
"Yeah, you cute little fart," the girl said to Doodle. "He's a cute little fart."
"Yes he is," I said.

Then she waved goodbye to him when her dad finished at the post office counter, but would not leave until we left. I guess my Cute Little Fart has that effect on women.

Every day, we're a-gettin' closer...
This is an exciting time in the life of The Doodler. He is making that transformation from baby to toddler ever-so-slowly, but with marked progress. Here are a few examples...

In the category of Things Which Doodle Can Do That Doodle Didn't Do Before:

1. This morning, I went to get him out of his crib, and he was sitting up. Curious. And also, HOLY SHIT. I'm not ready for this.
2. He is beginning to respond in conversations, or at least, in my mind he is. For instance, I asked him today if he wanted a bottle, and he said "mum mum." Then I repeatedly said "ma ma" to him, which probably annoyed him as much as I think it did, and he repeated "buh buh" back to me. So, we're getting there.

In the category of Images on the Television Which Doodle Enjoys:

1. Elmo (gah!!!!)
2. Jeff Probst (mmm hmm)
3. Joel McHale (host of E!'s "The Soup") - we have concluded that Doodle thinks that it's his dad because they kinda, sorta, in a squinted-eye kind of way look alike

In the category of New Things Which Doodle Eats:

1. Graham crackers
2. Gerber Puffs (actually I eat these too. You wouldn't think that a sweet potato puff would be good, but, it is surprisingly tasty.)

In the category of Needs Improvement:

1. Sleeping. We still wake up several times during the night, and for the past 3 nights in a row, he's woken up around 1 a.m. rarin' to go. I haven't seen Conan O'Brien so much since I was in college.
2. Did I mention sleeping?

As a small aside, the Cavs eked out a win last night in overtime. I cannot take the nailbiter games.

Attention OU Alums
I just put a fraud alert on my credit due to this. Hopefully nothing will happen, but, you just never know. Not that anyone wants my shitty credit. I'm just sayin'.

If you are an OU alum, it's worth checking out.

April Month in Pictures
Here are some recent pics taken this past month...

Doodle in his walker


Doodle in overalls


Doodle on floor near the STEERING WHEEL OF EVIL


Look at those blue eyes...


Oh yeah, we're here too... getting ready to go to the black tie event for my work


It's a hard life being The Dom


We love to ring the windchime


Doodle showing off his new sitting up by himself skillz


Spring finally arrives in NE Ohio

Careless whisper
I don't care how much of a drugged up, parked-car hittin' loser George Michael is today... I still think Wham!'s "Make it Big" album is the bomb diggity. And if loving Wham! is wrong, I don't want to be right.

My faith in humanity is restored... for today at least
Dear American Idol fans who didn't "Pick Pickler" this week...

THANK YOU.

From the bottom of my heart.

A word of warning to drivers on Rt. 8 northbound
Within the past week I have done my nails TWICE on the way to work. Yes, I have become that person. The one you see in your rearview mirror and think to yourself, "Is that chick doing her NAILS?" And then you speed up so you are nowhere near my car when it veers into a concrete abutment.

I have no excuse, other than nine months straight of sleep deprivation. It's finally gotten to me. Now I'm Crazy Doing the Nails on the Road Lady.

Fed Up
At the end of a long day, I amused myself by watching parodies of K-Fed's PapoZao clip. Here are my favorites:

Pina Colada K-Fed

Peanut Butter Feder Time

P.S. I just got my first creepy MySpace message.
Ew.

Oh, we are SCREWED
I have done my best to make sure that the likes of Barney, the Teletubbies, and their ilk do not infiltrate my little boy's brain. However, yesterday, we had Sesame Street on, and Doodle wasn't paying attention. Rather, he was in the process of doing his favorite thing of late, which is a) grab one thing. b) grab another thing. c) bang thing 1 and thing 2 together.

Then it happened.

Elmo came on the screen.

And Doodle must have heard the subliminal voodoo message in Elmo's words because he stopped clanging thing 1 and thing 2 together and looked up at the tv. Upon seeing Elmo's furry red loveable M.F.-ing face, he smiled and giggled. Then he stared, mesmerized, at the television for the entire duration of the Elmo segment.

I do believe we are in for it.

Ah, spring
Spring. The time of the year for tulips and daffodils, Easter eggs, sinus infections and hairballs. Yes, hairballs. On Friday night, BOTH my cats contributed to the hairball population. Molly was first which spawned my usual "NOT ON THE CARPET! NOT ON THE CARPET!" which of course was ignored. Dom was kind enough to do it on the easy-to-clean Pergo in the kitchen. Saturday Molly followed up with another one, on the carpet no less. Dom did some hacking but nothing came out. Then Sunday Molly trumped herself by making a deposit on the top step of the upstairs while I was upstairs with the baby. Getting downstairs with the baby and avoiding the pile was a feat.

The thing I've never understood about hairballs is, they're not really ball-like at all. They're more like, I dunno, hair sausages. Right?

Who's there?
There's this lady who works here who has this habit of, upon entering someone's cube, SAYING the words "knock knock!"

Even if she is already in your cube and she is looking you in the eye. She will still say it. She doesn't even actually knock on the cube wall. So. Irritating.

A post just to say here I am, my baby has the shits
I have been rather preoccupied over the past three days with a massively pooping baby. He has rotavirus which he without a doubt picked up from daycare. However, God forbid he be let back in to daycare without a doctor's note. So two personal days later, here I am back at the office. My husband is taking his turn today, my mother-in-law has tomorrow, and then my mom and I are tag teaming on Friday so I at least have some time in the office this week.

Other than being a poop machine, Doodle seems to be in great spirits. Yesterday we played all day and went for a long walk around the 'hood. Actually it was a beautiful day in N.E. Ohio, with temperatures pushing 70 degrees. You can't ask for better than that in April.

I missed Idol last night but DVR'ed it. I will probably watch it this evening. Although with Queen songs on the menu, I'm skeptical at best about how it will go. However, Pickler needs to take her ballsies and calamawri and sall-mon and go back to the trailer park she came from.

Another show that I am somewhat embarrassed to say that I am now hooked on is Blow Out. After seeing the guy on The Soup lambast Jonathan Antin every week I had to tune in and see what a toolio he really is. Although, there's something strangely likeable about him, as in that goofy friend everyone has who has no idea that they're stupid.

I went to a fancy party on Saturday night, maybe if I have time I'll upload a pic of my husband and I in our finest toggery.

Secret
Last weekend, I attended my cousin's wedding shower. It was mostly comprised of her fiance's family, and so I pretty much knew no one in the room. My grandma was there and so by default, as my cousin was obviously tied up, and my aunt had to be front and center as the mother of the bride, it became my duty to keep my grandmother out of trouble.

Easier said than done. She's known for her malapropisms, and now that her memory seems to be going, she constantly is asking the same questions over and over again. It's trying, to say the least, to spend any large amount of time with her. I love her, don't get me wrong, but I'm exhausted after her visits.

She was particularly bad at the shower. Not only did she constantly interrupt my cousin while she was opening her gifts with, "Who's that from? Is that one from me? What is it?" But she kept asking me if I knew where my aunt was, where my cousin was, why wasn't my cousin's friend Kelly there, etc.

But the topper was, during the gift opening, when she leaned over to me and asked, "Do you want to know a secret?" Keep in mind that my cousin is oh, maybe five feet away from us. I lean in closer to her. "When your aunt had your cousin, she wanted to give her up for adoption," she told me in a not-so-whisper. "I've never gotten over it and if your aunt knew that I remembered that she would die."

Oy. Vey.

I just hope to God that my cousin didn't hear her. I don't think she did, because there was a low chatter in the room. What on earth possessed my grandmother to reveal that family secret to me at that particular point in history, I'll never know. It's a horrible nugget of information, one that I would never repeat (except on my blog, but other than that). Let's hope that on my cousin's wedding day there are no more revelations like this.

Well... THAT was awkward
So the CEO big dog of my company took my whole department to dinner last week to celebrate the good year that we had. We go to this nice restaurant, and before dinner, he wants everyone to go to the bar so that he can talk to everyone and mingle and whatnot.

I'm standing with the Big Dog, Bad Lady, and one other female co-worker, when this grizzled old man approaches us with a goofy grin on his face. He holds out a business card which has the numbers 1 through 4 on it. "Pick a number," he says to Bad Lady.

"Three," she says.

He flips the card and it says "All sex maniacs choose 3!"

And then he walks away.

Yeah. Try and recover from that one while you're attemping to schmooze with the CEO of YOUR company!

Photo op
So how do the cats get along with Doodle? You be the judge...


Picture of baby? Cute.


Picture of baby PLUS BUNNIES? Uber Cute.

Reality show clip time

• Over the weekend I caught up on some of the reruns of Survivor Pearl Islands. I am reminded of how this is the best. season. ever! for several reasons. Sure, you know, Rupert's on there, and who doesn't love the Rupe, and you've got the whole Johnny Fairplay debacle, and the whole Outcast tribe coming back into the game, but it also confirmed in my mind what I already knew, and that is Burton is definitely the biggest hottie ever to play the game.
• Anyone catch Scott Long (we Hamster Timers know him "fondly" as Peen) on "The Surreal Life"? He was trying out to become the 7th cast member (the spot ultimately went to Maven, a nicely chiseled wrestler from MTV's Tough Enough series). Big Brother enthusiasts will be happy to know that Peen embarrassed himself on television yet again when he showed his rear end, which revealed a HUGE brown stain. Contestants were asked to strip to their skivvies to show off their bods. Guess old Peen should have worn the CLEAN yellow tighties, and maybe he'd be hanging out with Sherman Helmsley and Tawny "I Stiletto'd Chuck Finley" Kitaen.
• Without Project Runway to watch anymore, I have latched on to "Top Chef." It's not quite as exciting but I see potential.
• I missed "Unanimous" the other night -- why did it look like they were in the Big Brother house?

The clap
Last night Doodle surprised us by performing what some would deem a "stupid baby trick." He clapped his hands on command. I would clap, Doodle would clap. I would clap again, Doodle would clap again. And so on. As you can imagine, there was much applause at our house last night.

Behold...
The chompers!

I guess it's better than Army vs. Pittsburgh
Was anyone else as amused as I was by this yesterday? My husband just happened to point it out to me while he was watching the NCAA basketball tourney.



Then again, I'm pretty easily amused.

Moo Goo WTF?
So I got the weirdest prank phone call EVER on Saturday. At least I think it was a prank phone call. It was a bizarre phone call, regardless.

It went a little something like this:
Me: Hello?
Dude (sounds caucasian, in his 20's or late teens): Uh, is this the Owen residence?
(Owen is my husband's name.)
Me: Sort of... Owen lives here...
Dude: Oh, because this is the Chinese market, and the party that you're having this afternoon in a couple hours? Everything is all set.
Me: Huh?
Dude: You know, the party? 100 egg rolls, 100 sushi...
Me: Nope, not a clue. You must have the wrong number.
Dude: No, no, I've got schezuan beef...
And he KEEPS naming stuff! So I cut him off again.
Me: Who is this again?
Dude: Uh... the Chinese... market... buffet?
Me: And where are you located?
Dude: *dial tone*

WTF? I was waiting for the punch line. How weird is that? I mean, at LEAST ask if my refrigerator is running. Something. Don't leave me hanging like that!

If I had been thinking on my feet (but it was early Saturday morning) I would have played along like, "Oh yeah! THAT party! I thought you were talking about another party at the chinese market buffet!" Or been like, "No, it's 200 egg rolls, dumbass!" But instead I was just stunned at how random this call was. And thinking to myself as it was happening, this is so going in my blog.

Full of piss and vinegar
Some of these things I have been thinking of posting, but haven't gotten around to until now, so they may not be timely as I'd like...

• Project Runway... CHLOE WON?!?!?! I still haven't seen the finale but I saw that she walked away with the top honor. WTF? I love Santino, by the way. Love him. And I love Daniel, too.
• Crash won best movie at the Oscars? When I saw that, I thought to myself, "Oh, it must be some other movie named Crash, not the crappy, depressing movie called Crash that I saw." But nope, it was the crappy, depressing one.

I am, however, very excited about the Sopranos premiere. I hope it's good -- they take long enough to produce.

Happy birthday, buddy
Yesterday was my favorite little guy's 4th birthday.
OK, my SECOND favorite little guy.

MySpace
Well, today I did like the hipsters do and I got my own MySpace page. Actually I was cyberstalking people, but that's another story that I won't get into. So I have a profile, here, which if you are on MySpace, feel free to add me as a friend. Right now my only friend is Morrissey (yes, THAT Morrissey), which is actually quite funny to me. If you were in my hotmail address book, and you already had a MySpace page, I added you.

Shoot me now, my life has been encapsulated in a Dilbert cartoon

And my boss was the one who e-mailed this to me.

Happy Fat Tuesday everyone!
Eat a paczki (pooooooonshkee) or two. And please, pinch the Doodle's cheeks before you go.

Words of wisdom
I was standing in our store room putting a bunch of packets together when Incompetent but Likeable came in.

"It's such a beautiful day today, Kath, the sun is shining," he said.
"It's a shame we're stuck in here," I said.
"Yep. It's a shame we're stuck in here, and I'm pressing the button on the copy machine."
"Yeah."
"Pressing the button on the copy machine of life."

Then, a few minutes later, he came in and said, "Life is good when the sun is out and there is a paper clip for me to hold my papers together."

What would I do without him to light up my day?

Back to reality
Hell week is over, at least for another year. How did it go? It went. It went as well as it could. Suffice to say, that when I no longer work for this company and write my tell-all book, this past week will have its own chapter.

Now I can stop stress eating and try and lose the weight I've gained back in the past couple of months, where my diet has consisted largely of pizza from the take-out place in my office building and Gobstoppers.

I got an award, just to brag a little bit about myself... for quality service. I was voted by my peers, which I guess is kind of cool.

Doodle did an amazing thing: he sat up, unsupported, on his changing table. I thought that his dad and I were going to spontaneously combust with pride. Doodle was oblivious to his milestone, as he had the larger goal of trying to reach the bottle of baby Tylenol that was on top of the changing table. Finally he teetered sideways and his dad caught him just in time and saved him from bashing into the wall.

This I know to be true: the house must be childproofed. Soon.

We have been watching entirely too much Olympics, and more specifically, curling. Why all of a sudden has curling gotten so much TV time? And why do we keep watching it?

When the Olympics aren't on (which is never -- although when I am able to commandeer the remote I usually switch it off), I've been catching up on Survivor: Exile Island, American Idol, Project Runway, etc.

Ah. Life is back to normal. Almost.

Everybody's workin' on the weekend! Oh— nope, that's just me.
So I'm sitting here at work. On Saturday.
We were supposed to get a script for our presentation #2 which is on Thursday, and which I came in today specifically to work on. It's coming from our sister office in Pittsburgh.
Yesterday, we were told we would have it at 9.
I arrived here at 9:30 this morning and when my boss (who is also here, at least) called Pitt to find out what the holdup was, the person sending the script was still in her car driving in.

It is nearly noon, still no script.

I have plenty to do, because our first presentation is Monday, so I'm doing a runthrough of that, but still. Talk about being disrespectful of other peoples' time.

Idle
Anyone else glad to see the audition portion of American Idol 5 over and done with? I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but if you've seen one bad audition, you've seen them all. If you've seen one good audition, you've seen them all. And no, I don't care if your daddy's in jail and your mommy left when you were a wee little thing. I'm sorry. Sing your Celine Dion song and get out of here.

And I have set my DVR to "record entire series" of Survivor Exile Island. Have I mentioned that I am still pissed that I missed it last week?

Hell week continues. If I leave the office tonight before 8 I will consider myself lucky. I'm trying to avoid having to come in on Saturday but at this point, I think it's a losing battle.

How was YOUR weekend?
Here's how mine was...

• I was sleeping soundly in my bed Saturday morning at 9:00 a.m. after being up at 5 with Doodle. The phone rang... and it was my boss. I was so tired that I couldn't remember what the proper thing to say was when one answered the phone. I went with "Hello," hoping that it was the correct word. It was not the only work-related call I got at home on Saturday.
• Doodle is getting his first tooth and when he wasn't screaming yesterday, it was because he had a bottle in his mouth.
• The Steelers won the Super Bowl and I live in Cleveland. So, yeah. That about sums it up.

Exiled
I can't believe it.

For the first time ever, I missed the Survivor premiere. I had no idea it was even starting.

Usually I am right on top of this stuff, but I've been living in a daze for the past few weeks.

It's not the end of the world, but still... I'm pissed awf that I missed it.

Doodle mania!
As a six-month old, Doodle is really starting to develop a personality. He is a good sleeper most nights, and a very good eater, as he demonstrates here.



Last night, I was holding him on my lap, and I picked up a little jar of Burt's Bees lip balm and put some on my chapped lips. He held out his hand toward the jar. When I told him that it was mommy's jar, he started to cry. He had been a pain in the ass all evening, if I'm being honest. So I let him have the jar. Instantly, his mood improved, and he was so proud of himself with that damn jar of lip gloss. He held it up and looked at it, then transferred it from his right hand to his left. He banged it against his side. He dropped it and fumbled around for it until he found it again. Concept learned: crying will get you everywhere.

He's starting to go places, too. He hasn't discovered that rolling over = means of travel, but once he does, I'm sure he will be off to the races. In the meantime, we have purchased a baby walker for him. I've heard that they are dangerous, but we usually use it on the carpeted living room where his mobility is limited. He mostly stands still because I also put on his Baby Einstein video while he's in there, which causes a catatonic trance-like state with occasional giggles. (Who thought that bubbles had such comic value?)



According to the doctor, he is in the 75-90% for height and at the 25% for weight. Tall and skinny. Like his dad. I'm so glad he got those genes, rather than mine, which are the kind where I look at a donut and gain weight.

It's going so fast. Everyone who told me that? You were right.

Signs of growing old
I currently have two tubes of ointment that I am carrying around in my purse. One is a mouth sore ointment because I have a sore at the side of my mouth. The other is an eye ointment because I have some sort of lower eyelid infection thing going on. Walking train wreck, that's me.

I swear, since I've turned 30, I've had more ailments than my entire 20's put together. Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously. TWO kinds of ointment? Next stop: Restful Acres.

Dom-o-rama

He used to be top banana in our household, and now he's just a bitter old sea salt with an ever-growing kitty gut. The Dom has taken his new role in the family with a dash of bitterness, but he's still my special guy.

And so now I present a sort of Year in Pictures 2005 for my black and white pal (with some special guest stars):

He's the epitome of laziness ...


Through the window screen.


The cat's out of the bag:




Sometimes, they exist side-by-side in peace. (Check out Doodle's socks in the third shot. Did I really dress him in those?)




A wild animal on the loose:


Road kill.

Comic gold
Doodle is quite the talkative chap. He has a few sounds in his repertoire, but the one he favors the most is what I call his Monster Noise. It's a growl and a scream at the same time, but he does it when he's excited.

The other night he was doing the Monster Noise on his changing table, and I looked down at him and gasped, "It's a monster!"

This hit pay dirt on the laughter scale. I had a zinger on my hands. He squealed with giggles. Naturally, this encouraged me to repeat this phrase about 55 more times. Eventually the laughter died down, until at the 54th repetition, it just garnered a half-smile from the Doodster.

"I'll never be this funny again in my life," I told my husband. So I'm relishing it.

In other news, Doodle ate baby food last night for the first time. Green beans. It looked and smelled like ass. But he ate half the jar, only cringing after the first spoonful, and then smooth sailing from there. He's such a good little guy.

24
Was anyone else upset that they killed off David Palmer in last night's 24 premiere? I couldn't believe it. I still can't.

That being said, it looks like another great season. Can't wait to see what happens next. Although, Derek could very well be this year's Kim.

Doodle's movie debut
Doodle just loves to play peek-a-boo. Here he is in his film debut, which you can view here.

Venting
I'm in charge of two large presentations at work. A lot of information is flowing in to me, and when I get it, I told Incompetent but Likeable that I would forward the relevant info along to him so that he can do P.R. stuff that is related to the presentation. The info was due to come in to me on January 9.

January 3: IBL comes to me. "Do you have anything yet?" he asks.
Me: Nope, it isn't due til the 9th. I'll let you know when it comes in.

January 4: "Kath, did you get anything today?"
Nope.

5th: "Anything on the presentation come in, Kath?"
Zilch.

6th: "Hey Kath!"
NO.

Then I was out on the 9th. Yesterday I checked my e-mail and had -- lo and behold -- SOME of the info had been sent to me, but not all. I forwarded it on to IBL, just like I said I would. But I was curious to see if maybe my boss had gotten some of the info, and he wasn't in. So I went over to IBL.

Me: [IBL], did anything come in yesterday while I was out?
IBL: [in irritated tone] I don't know, because I was too busy doing other stuff and didn't have time to look.

Later on in the day...
"Hey Kath! Did you get anything new?"
GAH!!!!!

Survivors, Ready!
The new Survivor cast is out. Yay!

Which reminds me of kind of an amusing little anecdote... so the other day, I was feeding Doodle and I turned on one of the episodes of Survivor that I had DVR'ed. I believe it was the premiere of Survivor:Amazon. Anyhoo, Jeff Probst begins to narrate, and Doodle whipped his head around to look at the TV. Poor little guy. He probably thinks Jiffy is his second daddy or at least an uncle or something, for as much as he's seen him in his six short months of life. I'm just sayin'.

A moment of silence...
For my 20's.
And here's to the next 20 years of being a thirtysomething. At least whenever anyone asks.

Kids these days
Maybe it's because I'm getting old. But I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle it when my son starts listening to songs with lyrics like:

My hump
My hump my hump my hump
My hump my hump my hump

And we ain't talkin' camels here.

I guess it will be no different than when my mom forbade me from listening to "The Humpty Dance" when I was in 8th grade. What she didn't know won't hurt her.

*sigh*

Eyes and ears
I just came to the realization that the biggest gossip monger in my office is not a woman. It's Incompetent but Likeable.

He knew that I knew something about my boss meeting with the big boss, and he pestered me and pestered me about it until I told him a little nugget of what I knew. (I didn't tell him everything... I know better than that.)

I'll ponder this while I eat my butter braid pretzels.

And I checked this morning to make sure my strip cheese was mold-free before I threw it in my bag o' food that I lug to the office each day.

Close encounter of the mold kind
My strip cheese had mold on it AND. I. ALMOST. ATE. IT.

Seriously, had it not been for the fact that the cheese didn't come off in one neat strip, I would have eaten that mold.

*hurls*

This goes along with the way my day has gone so far. I am wearing my new cute skirt that I got at Old Navy, my boots, and a black top, and I took my coat off this morning only to find that my new scarf had fuzzed all over my top. Luckily a co-worker has a lint roller so I was hooked up with the de-fuzzification.

I am really bummed now. I have strip cheese every day at 4 and now I have NOTHING. Nothing!!!!

When I get home, don't nobody better get between me and a bag o' chips.

See previous entry re: losing weight.

He had me at Super Mario
And now, I present to you,

the Video Game Pianist.

If you are a fan of video games, particularly the original Super Mario Brothers for the Nintendo, you have to hear this guy. Outstanding.

P.S. He also does a pretty cool version of Maroon 5's "This Love". I am upset that a) I did not come up with this myself, and b) I quit taking piano lessons in sixth grade.

First post of '06
Happy New Year to everyone! I actually made it up until midnight this year (but at 12:01, the TV went off, and not a creature was stirring, not even a Doodle). We watched some of the Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve, but I gotta tell ya, seeing Dick Clark in his decrepit state was pretty hard to watch. I think it's great that he wanted to be there, since he's such an icon and New Year's Eve is his thing, but just stand there and wave, Dick. We all want to remember you when you were in your glory.

Over the weekend, I feel like Doodle changed so much. He's learning to grab objects and hold them, which is good news for his toys, bad news for my hair and glasses. He has gotten really good at eating cereal off a spoon, and he can roll over. When I played Peek-a-boo with him, he giggled and giggled. Of course, that led to him being wound up for the next hour or so, and it was at night, so I made a quick memo to self to only play Peek-a-boo in the morning.

I'm heading into my busiest month at work, so the posting may be sparse. Or it may be my only outlet of stress. We'll see.

Of course, we have a new TV season starting, so I'll have plenty to keep my mind occupied during prime time. I'm looking forward to American Idol, 24, Survivor, and whatever other mundane reality show comes along (Celebrity Fit Club 3? Not so much. Pathetic cast.)

I feel like I should mention some kind of goal for 2006, and it is this: not to gain back my weight that I lost when I was diabetic during my pregnancy. I'm starting to put it back on. I lost about 25 pounds total, and I have gained 10 of that back. I want to lose that 10 and another 10 after that. But somehow I don't think that making chocolate chip cookies every week is the way to do it. Unless there's some kind of new diet that I don't know about? No? OK then.