Great Moments in Sketch Factor History, part troix
But first, this news:
A member of the Cleveland Indians pitching staff was shot in the leg while on the team bus, leaving Kaufman stadium in Kansas City.

You think that's weird? He was dressed as a USC cheerleader and would have been injured more had he not been donning white go-go boots.

This was part of a hazing ritual that the Indians (and maybe other teams) have every year wherein the rookies are forced to show themselves in public wearing all sorts of humiliating costumes. This poor soul, Kyle Denney, was in drag for this purpose when the shooting incident occurred.

Or so they would have you believe. *raises eyebrow*

Now, without further ado, here are more snippets...

One of my most-hated songs EVER makes its appearance in this post from February 23, 2004:

For reasons unbeknownst, Bad Lady's radio is extra loud this morning. So right now, I'm being treated to:

If you like Pina Colada
Getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain

It's too early in the morning for this shit. Really, it's never a good time for the Pina Colada song.

It's status quo in the office, as documented on February 27, 2004:

Status Report
Eye: still twitching frequently.

Incompetent but Likeable: on the verge of going postal, and no one can figure out why. Although he did have an outburst at my desk about a certain management person being a "hillbilly" so I assume that his disgruntled postal worker behavior has something to do with that.

Bad Lady Crisis du Jour: Finding a pair of Ugg boots on e-Bay for her daughter (ha!!!)

Just thought you'd like to know.

Most of you know that I love all reality television. It makes me feel better about my own pathetic existence. But I missed what was arguably the best twist ever in a reality show, called "Average Joe" (3/2/04):

I walked into work trying hard to keep a straight face this morning. That's because I had just heard about the "Average Joe" finale. They were talking about it on the radio this morning and I have to say, the "bomb" that Larissa dropped? BEST. TWIST. EVER.

For those of you who didn't watch the show (I didn't either, so don't feel too bad), apparently, Larissa picked the "Hot Joe" and then had to make a stunning confession to him about someone she dated in her past.

Wait for it... wait for it...

Fabio.

THE Fabio.

I can't believe it's not... Fabio.

And, what's even better, the Hot Joe freaked out and dumped her! Oh, how I wish I'd seen it.

We discover that Christmas is every day of the year around our house, thanks to our cat, Domino (3/4/04):

If we ever figure out the elusive language of animals and are able to communicate with them, the first thing I am going to ask my cat Domino is going to be in regard to the fetching of the Christmas stockings.

Ever since we took down all the Christmas decorations and boxed them all up and put them in the Scary Basement (that section of the basement where I fear to tread), the stockings have been finding their way back upstairs, specifically, into our bedroom. We'll wake up in the morning and the Stocking Fairy will have brought them back. We'll take them down to the Scary Basement again but somehow they always end up back upstairs.

This was going on for awhile with some Halloween devil horns, until I threw them away because red glitter from the devil horns were turning up all over my living room carpet, in the kitchen, in the bathtub (a favorite Domino hangout) and in our bed.

There have been other objects retrieved from the Scary Basement, including a dirty sponge, a lint trap, and a huge ass bag of rubber bands.

I'm sure he's just trying to be helpful -- why would we put such useful items downstairs when we can enjoy them in the middle of the living room floor? What were we thinking?

So I think we'll just keep celebrating Christmas until Dom decides we can move on.

A problem plaguing many Americans is that pesky fitted bed sheet. My take on it, from March 9, 2004:

One thing I noticed during Sunday night's hotel stay, and that I've noticed on prior hotel stays, is that most hotels have forgone the fitted sheet on the bed, and instead have put another flat sheet to cover the mattress.

I am notoriously a tosser and turner. More so when I'm not sleeping. So on Sunday, by about three in the morning, the sheet had slipped, bringing my person into direct contact with the hotel mattress.

I've seen Oprah. I know that the mattress is a breeding ground for creepy crawlies, undesirable stains, and untold diseases. Even in nice hotels. That fitted sheet is like a layer of protection, a barrier between me and those unmentionables. I don't want to be rolling around on that, not even in a rubber suit.

And speaking of the fitted sheet, I have never, ever, EVER been able to fold that thing. In our linen closet right now there's a shapeless blob that could possibly be a fitted sheet, but either myself or my husband probably abandoned trying to fold it and just shoved it on a shelf.

As elusive as it might be, the fitted sheet is my friend. When it's not there, I take note.

This isn't the same without the photo, which I think I have deleted off my photobucket, but I stand by my decision, also from March 9:

My husband recently posed the question to me if I'd rather wake up in the morning with 12 inches of snow on the ground or wake up next to [entertainment reporter] Cojo.

I chose the snow.

Y tu?

Sometimes I make bad jokes, and then sometimes I make REALLY bad jokes (3/12/04):

I guess Colby didn't know jack about what was going to go down at Tribal Council.

Get it? Colby? Jack?It sounded much funnier in my head.

OK. Not really.

It never fails to amaze me some of the stupid questions I get. You'd think that I would not be surprised by this, but there's always someone who can outdo the former person in stupidity. An example (3/16/04):

My boss pulls me out of a meeting because someone at our parent company is having trouble with a CD I sent them. This is the second CD I sent because they said the first one I sent was blank.

The contents of the CD are one executable file, sort of like a Power Point presentation but done in a different program, but it should open and one should be able to use the arrow key to look at the different slides.

So I pretty much know before I even pick up the phone that they just don't know to use the arrow key.

"It won't open," she says. "I just get a white screen."
"OK," I explain, "Now all you have to do is hit the RIGHT ARROW KEY to start the presentation."
"I'm clicking it and it won't do anything!"
"The RIGHT arrow key?"
"Yeah, I'm clicking it."
"Clicking? Are you clicking the MOUSE?"
"Yeah."
"OK, don't click the mouse. On your KEYBOARD, there are four directional keys. Press the RIGHT arrow key."
"Oh! Now it's working!"

Yes, folks, I work miracles here on a daily basis.

And we really think this marriage is going to work out? (3/18/04):

Rather than the soft romantic sappy music the Survivor producers decided to play during the Ambuh/Baaaaston Rob "love" scene, I was expecting more of a "bamp chicka wah wah" kind of thing. Was it just me? I mean, are we to believe that Rob is actually capable of having feelings for her? "Ambuh is slammin'," he says. "... And huh ass is smokin' too." My heart is a-twitter.

More amazing assininity! Funny, this project never panned out. And it would have been such a great campaign, too! (3/19/04):

I just got out of a meeting with someone else, who seemed normal enough, until I reached a point in my portfolio where I had a postcard with a picture of a cute bunny on the front. She lit up. "I have rabbits," she told me. "My husband is a magician."

Trying hard to contain the "huhhhhh?" factor, I said, "Oh, really?" And then before I could stop myself, I said, "Well, have you ever considered having photos taken with the magician's hat and the rabbit? We could say something about 'working magic' in your service to your clients... ?"

Needless to say, she is totally geeked about the idea.

On March 24, I got my 5000th visitor, but as it was me, it was a non-event. I'll document many more non-events, as this look back in Sketch Factor history continues!