Summer Reading
I need to get my ass off the computer and start reading more books. I have no less than ten unread books at my house. My mom keeps giving me books when she's done reading them, and though a lot of them are things I would never choose for myself, I feel like I should read them, or at least make the attempt.

The first one I read that she gave me, The Kitchen Boy, was actually really, really good. It is a fictional account of the last days of the family of Czar Nicholas (sp?) before they were murdered, from the perspective of a young boy whose job it is to work in the kitchen of the house where the family is being held captive. I know nothing of Russian history, and knew nothing of their fate prior to reading, but the story was well written and suspenseful.

I am about 5/6 of the way through The Princes of Ireland, which is a behemoth of a book -- a saga, my husband calls it -- which is another book I would never, in a million years, chosen for myself. It's sort of interesting in that it has some discussion of Irish history, mixed among some family feuds and romances and stuff. But I will not recommend it due to its length and the fact that there are a ton of other books that I would recommend before this one.

Stay tuned for more book reviews as I read them...

What I used to believe
When I was young, I used to believe that the female reproductive organ was a "buh-gina." This came from the girl down the street, who, as young as first or second grade, learned about the birds and the bees from her parents and then promptly reported back to me. I still didn't completely understand it until we got the big talk from the school in fifth grade.

I also used to believe that when I got to fourth grade, I was going to have all my pencils taken away. Either my first or second grade teacher said that the older kids just used pens and they weren't allowed to make mistakes while writing, so we were going to have to learn not to make mistakes either.

It's funny what we believe as children. Here is a neat site with some other funny ones on it.

What did you used to believe?

Excerpt of an actual conversation I just had with my boss
Him: Why did these [things we just printed] ship here?
Me: Because you wanted to pass them out at [some meeting].
Him: But why would you do that?
Me: Um, because, that's what you told me to do.
Him: (looks puzzled and walks away)

The Rulez
Want to know how to blog? The rules are posted here.

Tales of a Fourth Grade Mullet

Yep. That's me. Why am I wearing such couture? Find out. The Friday Chef's interview with yours truly, here. At least about the sweatsuit. I have no idea about the headband. Wasn't I stylish?

Things that should not be discussed, especially on TV and especially while I am trying to watch my soaps
My two most hated commericals on television right now both are shown in heavy rotation on SoapNet, and I saw both multiple times last night while I was tuned in to the Days of Our Lives marathon.

COMMERCIAL #1:
Ominous sounding male voice: If you don't wash your sheets with [Clorox bleach or some similar product] you may be sleeping in body soil. (More discussion of the gross things that are infesting your sheets, even if you wash them with regular detergent.

Ew. Body soil? I'd be worried about this if strangers were sleeping in my bed. But since I don't go to bed covered in dirt, nor does my husband most of the time, I'm not too concerned.

COMMERCIAL #2:
Three giggling girls at a beach.
Girl #1: Like, ohmigod, you're wearing a BIKINI when you have your PERIOD???!?!?!?
Girl #2: Like, yeah, what's the big deal?!?!?
(some discussion of bloating, cramps, etc. and the product, which I believe is Midol, which is supposed to get rid of all those symptoms.)

Girl #2: I could totally go for a brownie right now.
Girl #3: Oh yeah, she's menstrual.
Girl #1: *giggles*

First of all, WHO HAS THESE CONVERSATIONS? Second of all, WHO HAS THESE CONVERSATIONS?

And damn proud of it
Just wanted y'all to know that I am the #1 search on yahoo in espanol for the word "octoporn." I thought I made that word up. Perhaps not. All I can offer you folks was that one story about the octopus that was mating... I don't even remember what the big deal about it was, although I do recall that it made me giggle like a child.

I'm gonna bust down the double doors
So the reunion turned out to be totally fun. It was bizarre -- no one showed up except for the people I was friends with! Well, a few other people here and there, but the group that was there the whole time were all people that I hung out with in high school. Tres cool. A couple of people didn't show who I really wanted to see, but all in all, good times.

We all exchanged e-mails / phone numbers, and it was learned that a few of us have blogs, so... *waves to Class of '94*

I didn't really sleep well last night as I was so wired from the overload of information and from seeing everyone again, and I'm off to my brother-in-law's birthday party -- he just turned 18... watch out world. You have been warned. What is he most looking forward to after entering the adult world? Getting a tatoo. Mmm hmm.

Announcements
I'll have to get a wedding gift.

I'll have to return a wedding gift.

This is not a drill
Doctor's official diagnosis: inner ear infection. Thanks, that's what you said A MONTH AGO. And here's another $15 co-pay for your trouble.

It's here: 10 year high school reunion TOMORROW.

Oh yeah. I have a blog.
Alanis got engaged, so in honor of her, here's a little synopsis of my day thus far:

When you get a run in your new panty hose,
And you run out of Kleenex when you have to blow your nose.
It's like ten thousand changes to some meaningless prose,
And then ten thousand more, why? Nobody knows.
And isn't it moronic... don't you think?

It's like rain... when it's supposed to be clear
It's my in-laws coming over to drink a lot of beer
It's the Bad Lady, who just won't disappear
And who would'a thought... it figures.

...And isn't it moronic, don't you think? A little too moronic. And yeah I really do think.

Anyway, I am going to escape from my cubicle and head on home, whereupon I must commence with the doing of the laundry, the buying of the Father's Day card, and the going to the dry cleaners, after whence I will commence the drinking of the beer with the in-laws out of the ceremonial keg fridge whilst the watching of the baseball game is simultaneously occurring. 'Night all.

You say it's your birthday
It's Lifeonhold's birthday too yeah! Happy birthday to you, Life!

Yawn
I overslept this morning. We went to a baseball game last night. We saw the Akron Aeros, who are a minor league affiliate of the Indians. The future of the major league team. Pee-yew, they stink! The top of the first inning lasted nearly an hour as the Aeros pitching gave up 7 runs. Seven! We were sitting behind home plate and the umpire made a horrible call against the Aeros (a ball when it was obviously a strike)and people started heckling. Including my dearest husband.

I enjoy the game of baseball, but when I'm actually there, at the stadium, I pay no attention to the game. I'm all about the people watching. At a minor league game you get all sorts. You have the section of scouts with their radar guns, recording every move the pitcher makes. You have the section of wifes, all done up in their hootch outfits, some of them with babies, all sitting together. Occasionally you have the washed up celebrity in the audience (last night it was some old Browns player I had never heard of, but that's not shocking because until Tim Couch left he was about the only name I knew -- and Bernie Kosar of course). Then you have what my father-in-law calls the "misfit toys" -- the weirdos and crazies who frequent the ballpark. First you have Microphone Man, who carries a playskool-style microphone around the ballpark and announces everything that he sees. Mind you, the microphone is not turned on. For instance, he'll announce the menu at the concession stand. "All beef hot dog! Threeeeee dollars! Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, and Sprite!"

Then there's BatMan. He is an actual employee of the Aeros. A fully-grown, rotund adult, BatMan's role in the organization is to be the bat boy for the opposing team. He sits in their dugout and retrieves bats when necessary. However, he does it with his own special flair. He'll pick up the bat, and then weave it, figure 8 style, around his legs, and then behind his back, and then pick it up and carry it back to the dugout. During breaks between innings, he will come onto the field and dance to the songs they play over the loudspeaker. We're talking air guitar, we're talking a move akin to the Robot, we're talking the thing where you kind of make a wave with your arm and then the wave travels over to your other arm, as if a current is running through your body. And not executed gracefully by any means. Last night this dance routine was performed to Bon Jovi's "It's My Life," and also the classic "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)". I can barely do him justice, he's really something you have to see for yourself before you can appreciate the wonder that is BatMan.

Next there is Heloise. She is an 80+ something usher who gets up after the 7th inning and leads the crowd in "YMCA." Cute if you've seen it once, annoying if you've seen it anytime thereafter. I guess that while she's not booging it up to the Village People, she is complaining and bitching about everything under the sun.

The concession stands are a trip, as well. It was $1.50 beer night, and the entire concession stand is being manned by teenagers. There's one adult allowed to dispense beer, and she's in the back, so they have to find her, and when she finally comes, she has to fish in her pocket to find her glasses to check Owen's I.D. Twenty minutes later, we had beer.

And finally, you have the charm that only a smaller ballpark can bring. There are contests between innings, which usually are amusing enough to watch. For instance, two drunk, beer gut havin' buddies had to put their hands behind their backs, grab a chicken wing off a plate with their teeth, and race to the finish line. And this adorable little boy, in another contest, raced around the bases with the team mascot. He couldn't have been older than 3. He started down the first base line and instead of turning to go to second, he kept heading straight into right field, which brought the house down. Amazingly, he was set back on course and won the race to the crowd's delight.

It may not have been a spectacular game, but it was an enjoyable evening all the same. The final score was... oh hell. Do you actually think I remember?

*Hic*
I have the hiccups.
AGAIN.
Meaning, for the second time today.
The first time I had them, Incompetent but Likeable tried to scare me. It didn't work. He did this sort of jumping thing and made an "aaaaaaah" noise, but in his goofy way.

I always get the hiccups in this fashion. They come, they go, they come back for an encore. And I make all sorts of embarrassing noises in the meantime.

Welcome
To the Internet peruser who came here by searching for "making hubby sissy slave." Uh, good luck with that. I think.

Moth-erfucker
Another huge rainstorm hit last night just as I was getting ready to go to bed. Owen, who was already asleep, got up and helped me close all the windows. I went into our bedroom to close those windows and exclaimed, "Mary, Mother of God!"

The moth was back.

This is no ordinary moth. It's a wriggling, brown, huge, ugly ass moth. And it was performing acrobatics all over the ceiling. "Dom! Get him!" I screamed. Dom, however, chose that moment to disappear into his litterbox.

The moth must have a death wish. I swear. This is the third time he has returned to the house after Owen released him outside. Unless it's three separate moths (which I suppose is possible). But we saw it in the house, let it go, it came back, we let it go again, and it came back again.

Dom, as you can imagine, is enraged by the moth's presence. He is quite a stalker when it comes to bugs and creepy crawlies (and dirty underwear). He could watch a bug on the wall for hours before he makes his move. He is especially adept at hunting moths. Except for this particular moth, which eludes him by perching high on the wall. Yesterday he was howling at the side door. I couldn't figure out why until I saw that damn moth hanging out on the door, near the top. Poor Dom.

So it's back. And if we let it go, it might come back again. Until Dom does it in. Which he will. No matter how long it takes.

The Amazing Race
Check out the teams here. I think poor Alison and Donny are going to be overshadowed by the hot blonde twins and the model/actress boyfriend and girlfriend. Aw. Too bad.

An alarming little tidbit: Donny's hometown is where my grandparents were born and raised, it's a really, really small coal mining town in Pennsylvania. My mom grew up there, too. I hope that way back in the gene pool that Donny and I are not related. Because, ew.

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
I'm stuck at work because there is a HUGE rainstorm and I don't want to get soaked, so I thought I would bring you a little something special.

The QUOTE(s) O'DE WEEK!

Both of these quotes are brought to you by my sister-in-law's sketchy-ass boyfriend, whom I met for the first time as he was driving me to the hospital.

"I tried that shit once. But the rope was too short. I had a fucking red mark on my neck for four days and shit!"
-Sister-in-law's sketchy-ass boyfriend, on the topic of suicide.

"It looked like four hamburger patties and shit."
-Sister-in-law's sketchy-ass boyfriend, on the topic of the consistency of his vomit from a night of drinking/taking prescription pills

As you may be able to glean from these pearls of wisdom, I was not too impressed with my SIL's choice of men...

A bit of history
This is where I live. This article appeared in yesterday's Plain Dealer. Who knew? I certainly didn't. Owen and I joked that Dom is probably possessed by the spirit of the cougar. Ya never know.

Do not adjust your screen
I've come over to the dark side and done the whole layout redo thing. I'm hoping the links still work, because I actually had the foresight to copy them into a Word document and then past them back into the template. The only thing I'm sad about is losing my haloscan comments, but, oh well.

Hope y'all like the new look of the Sketch Factor!

Testing, testing, 100... 93 ...
This morning I had electrodes on my face and was attempting to name three rivers while the room was spinning.

That's the short of it. The long of it was this: I had my ENG test, it lasted about an hour, and was the strangest hour I've spent in a long time.

The first section of the test, after the electrodes were applied around my eyes and on my forehead, was for me to watch a red dot on a light screen. The dot would move from left to right and up and down and then randomly and I just had to follow it with my eyes. Piece of cake.

The second test involved me sitting up and having to lay down really fast and turn my head. My eye movements were monitored. I got really dizzy doing this part of the test.

The third part of the test was that the technician put this thing in my ear that blew air into it. It lasted a minute, and during this time I had my eyes closed and I felt like I was going to roll off the table and that the room was going to turn on its side. Then when the air stops, the technician asked me a bunch of questions, mainly to take my mind off the dizziness. They were questions that I couldn't easily answer when not dizzy, let alone when I'm trying to stop the room from spinning. I'll share the questions with you so you can understand:

-Tell me three girls' names that start with the letter R.
(My answers: Rebecca, Rachel, Rhonda)

-Name three rivers.
(My answers: Cuyahoga (that's the one here in Cleveland), Mississippi, and after a long deliberation, I came up with De Nile)

-Count backwards from 100 by 3's.
(Oy vey. This was a challenge for me.)

-Name three states that start with the letter M.
(My answers: Michigan, Minnesota, Montana)

-Three boys names that start with the letter D.
(My answers: Dan, Dave, Don)

-Three baseball teams.
(Indians, Reds, Tigers)

-Count backwards from 100 by 7's.
(More extreme difficulty on my part)

-Three flowers.
(Me: daisy, marigold, rose)

Then I was allowed to leave. I was glad to have a ride home, because man, I'm still not right. I feel dizzy but a different kind of dizzy than what had originally been bothering me. Now I just have to wait a week for the results. I guess a neurologist reads the eye movements and sends them to my doctor.

Very strange. I hope they figure something out!

What's that sucking sound?
That would be me, with my lips puckered to kiss some ass. My boss' birthday is tomorrow. However, due to the fact that I may be incapacitated tomorrow (with the hospital test and stuff), I brought in an early birthday treat. I baked cupcakes. Aren't I such a little suckup? I must admit they are pretty tasty. Duncan Hines out of the box, baby. Chocolate with chocolate fudge frosting. Atkins hostile, high calorie, high carb, high sugar, pure crap. But yummy.

First jobs
On directive from Tracie, I am going to enlighten you about my first job. Sure, I babysat from time to time, but the first true job I had was as a busboy, erm, girl, at a Japanese restaurant. I started working there because my two closest friends worked there, and because I needed some extra cash. This was when I was about 16 or 17.

I don't really have a cool story about it, but I did have to clean the sushi bar every night, which was ghastly. I loathe fish, let alone raw fish, and the smell alone almost did me in. Every time I cleaned the sushi bar, the sushi chef (or whatever you call him) would watch me disapprovingly before he would finally step in and say, "No good!" and then take over cleaning duty. Not that I complained. I tried to do "no good!" so I would get to leave.

We also could eat as much white rice and ice cream as we wanted.

I think my pay was at minimum wage, maybe a little higher, who knows. That was about 12 years ago, I think the minimum wage was about $4.75. I remember getting a $200 check and thinking, "WOW!"

My next job was something I snagged from the woman whom I regularly babysat for. She worked at the Dillard's department store as a buyer (I think.) They were having a Father's Day promotion wherein you could pay $10 or $20 and you could shoot a video with a Father's Day message. I landed the job as the camera operator. This job entailed sitting around the men's department all day, waiting for customers who had paid for the video (there weren't many). But I did happen to see a shoplifter try and stuff a ton of Tommy Hilfiger sweaters under his shirt and run for the door. He just grabbed a ton of folded sweaters and ran with them. So I had to go get someone and the police came and got a description from me. It was quite exciting.

So there you go. My first jobs.

La la la la la la
Did I mention that I'm getting my hair colored and highlighted tonight? It's step one of looking good for the 10 year reunion. (T minus 11 days! Not that I'm anxious about it or anything.)

Specialty Instructor
Reading Teem's journal about a t-shirt that says "Objects Under Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear", reminded me of an embarrassing little anecdote from my past.

When I was a freshman in college, I began to enjoy wearing random t-shirts usually purchased at thrift stores. Most had funny sayings that made no sense except to the original creator of the shirt (example: "I saw the governor but where was the shrimp?"). Once, I purchased a t-shirt that looked like a typical lifeguard t-shirt, white with red letters and a sketch of two people in scuba gear. It said "specialty instructor." I thought it was just a funny shirt to wear, and so I wore it out several times, including to class.

After several times of wearing the shirt, I took it out of the laundry basket one day to hang it in my closet, when I realized that the two scuba divers were in a, shall we say, suggestive numeric position. It seems this was an entirely different specialty altogether.

Needless to say I never wore the shirt again. But god only knows how many guys saw the shirt and thought, hey, I should get that chick's phone number. OK, probably not too many.

Addendum
And a "howdy" to the person who visited by putting in this puzzling equation:
"hamster"+"photo"+"picture"+"funny"="sexy"

Salutations
I'd just like to extend a warm welcome to those of you who ended up here by accident today. (Maybe that's all of you.)

For instance, you, anonymous person, who wanted some crucial information and searched google for "did julie from the inferno pee on coral's bed" (now I want to know, too!). Let me know what you find out about that.

And you, who wanted a sexy sketch. Sorry. Can't help ya. Nor can I help you if you wanted a sketch of the Olive Garden. I mean, I could try, but I assure you it's not what you're looking for.

With that out of the way, I must tell you that, rather unfortunately, I was sucked in to the show "For Love or Money" last night. I'm not typically in to these dating shows with the catty women and dopey guys. But this one, with its twist that the girls could be playing either for $1 million or $1, makes it somewhat interesting. Or at least, interesting enough for me to follow until something better (read: BB5 and TAR) comes along.

Hasslehoff update



This would explain a lot re: Hassle the Hoff. Am I timely, or what?

This ad space for sale
I am just freaking sick to death of product placement within my food. First Shrek was in the Skittles, now Garfield is in the Goldfish. I opened my little bag o' goldfish, only to discover that among the fishies are these blobs, allegedly in the shape of Garfield the cat (which, who even reads that comic strip anymore? Why would they make it into a movie. What's next, the Cathy movie? Marmaduke? Fox Trot? Funky Winkerbean? Someone, somewhere, is working on the script. I just know it.)

Do not mess with my delicious, cheddar cheese snacks. That is all.

Just Thought You Should Know

Read below for the most frightening news since Richard Marx...

Ice-T And David Hasselhoff Team Up For Rap Album
'Baywatch' Star To Reinvent Himself As 'Hassle The Hoff'
Rick Ellis

POSTED: 4:21 pm CDT May 21, 2004
UPDATED: 12:55 pm CDT June 4, 2004

David Hasselhoff, best known for starring in the television shows "Knight Rider" and "Baywatch," may be looking to release a rap album.


According to several press reports, legendary rapper Ice-T is set to produce a hip-hop album with Hasselhoff, whom the musician described as "a legend."

Ice-T told the British newspaper The Sun that he and Hasselhoff are neighbors, and they have struck up a friendship. "He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff," said the rapper, whose real name is Tracey Morrow. "The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humor."

This isn't Hasselhoff's first stab at a music career. Since the late 1980s, he has released a number of albums. While most haven't been released in the United States, they have sold well in Austria and Germany. They have sold so well, in fact, that the former star of "Knight Rider" once told German magazine TV Spielfilm he had helped reunite Germany by singing his song "Looking for Freedom" among millions of German fans at the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin.

"I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me hanging on the walls in the Berlin Museum at Check-Point Charlie," Hasselhoff said.
Copyright 2004 by NBC13.com. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Update
Thank you, Gary, for that info. I don't know if that's what I have, but it sure sounds like it. Meanwhile, the doctor gave me Valium (bo-nus!) and a water pill to try and draw out whatever fluid or whatever yucky stuff is in my inner ear. I also have to get an ENG done which apparently is some sort of test to determine whether the problem is a simple inner ear infection or if it has to do with the nervous system. Great! Because that doesn't freak me out.

I wish I could give you all a visual of my ENT doctor. He was this jolly old bald man, with a HUGE gut. And he wore one of those old-school doctor headbands with the reflector eyepiece thing flipped up. Hilarious. He gave me this detailed explanation of the anatomy of the inner ear (which went in one ear and out the other, no pun intended) and looked in my eyes with some sort of tool and said that my right eye was in constant movement whereas my left was not. Which said to him that, duh, the problem is in the right ear, but also, despite my feeling better, the dizziness is still present. It may be that I've grown accustomed to it but it is still there.

Soooooo... next Friday I get this ENG test. Must read up on it. But in the meantime... valium. I don't know why I got that. Something about how it works in tandem with the water pill. I dunno.

Getting to the bottom of things
Today I finally go to the ENT. I'm not even really dizzy anymore, just every once in a while when I turn my head quickly. But nothing like it was before. So they probably won't find anything.

It will make my work day end early, which is nice. Have you ever noticed that when you know you are leaving work early, the day drags even longer? Or, if I come late due to an early morning doctor's appointment, that too makes the day drag. I don't know why that is. Pretty much everything makes the day drag for me, though. Thank the good lord for the Internet!

Purge
If you Blogline subscribers get a bunch of notices that I am updating, it's because I am deleting old posts in a fit of paranoia and it publishes every time.

If you are the person who has been on my site all day, please identify yourself so I can sleep tonight.

Free GreenTuna. Don't let her evil twin take her identity. What would life be without GT and Tiny? I mean, LimeTuna doesn't have the same ring. PeriwinkleTuna just doesn't do it.

Apology
I've been feeling horribly embarrassed ever since the e-mail debacle occurred, and finally, today, I wrote an apology letter. Just for peace of mind. Even though it wasn't me who wrote the e-mail, I still feel partially involved in the whole thing and want to make sure that things are right between myself and the person who was the unfortunate recipient of the e-mail.

Also I am trying to distance myself a bit from the person who wrote the e-mail but that is extremely difficult. Things are definitely different now. I feel bad for her but I feel in order to save myself I should probably not be linked closely with her, and thus, her reputation. Is that harsh? Or is that just business? I don't know.

On a slightly related but tangential topic, if anyone has any experience with Monster, please let me know. I posted my rez on there and have been getting responses daily, but I don't know if they are legit or not. They seem kinda... I dunno... sketchy.

Those endless summer 90's comeback attempts, or, Repeat Offender
Move over, Nelson. There's another major 90's artist trying to make a comeback in the music scene. Think power ballads, feathered hair, too-tight jeans, and you get... that's right, Richard Marx. Not one, but TWO local stations were promoting his new single this morning. Be afraid, be very afraid.

I stole this idea from Mandy, it's a fun list of books that people keep adding to. I have read a lot of these, and a majority I've never heard of nor do I want to read, but it was fun all the same. I feel kinda, sorta smart now.

That Book Meme

*bold those you've read
*italicise started-but-never-finished
*underline those you own but haven't gotten to yet

*add three of your own
*post to your journal

1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien
2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman
4. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling
6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne
8. 1984, George Orwell
9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis
10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller
12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier
15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger
16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame
17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
19. Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy
21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell
22. Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling
23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
26. Tess Of The D'Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
27. Middlemarch, George Eliot
28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
30. Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl 36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
38. Persuasion, Jane Austen
39. Dune, Frank Herbert
40. Emma, Jane Austen
41. Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
42. Watership Down, Richard Adams
43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
46. Animal Farm, George Orwell
47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
53. The Stand, Stephen King
54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
56. The BFG, Roald Dahl
57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
65. Mort, Terry Pratchett
66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton
67. The Magus, John Fowles
68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
71. Perfume, Patrick Susskind
72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell
73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
74. Matilda, Roald Dahl
75. Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt
77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
78. Ulysses, James Joyce
79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens
80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
81. The Twits, Roald Dahl
82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
83. Holes, Louis Sachar
84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
89. Magician, Raymond E Feist
90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac
91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo
92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
95. Katherine, Anya Seton
96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
100. Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
101. Three Men In A Boat, Jerome K. Jerome
102. Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
103. The Beach, Alex Garland
104. Dracula, Bram Stoker
105. Point Blanc, Anthony Horowitz
106. The Pickwick Papers, Charles Dickens
107. Stormbreaker, Anthony Horowitz
108. The Wasp Factory, Iain Banks
109. The Day Of The Jackal, Frederick Forsyth
110. The Illustrated Mum, Jacqueline Wilson
111. Jude The Obscure, Thomas Hardy
112. The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole Aged 13 1/2, Sue Townsend
113. The Cruel Sea, Nicholas Monsarrat
114. Les Miserables, Victor Hugo
115. The Mayor Of Casterbridge, Thomas Hardy
116. The Dare Game, Jacqueline Wilson
117. Bad Girls, Jacqueline Wilson
118. The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
119. Shogun, James Clavell
120. The Day Of The Triffids, John Wyndham
121. Lola Rose, Jacqueline Wilson
122. Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray
123. The Forsyte Saga, John Galsworthy
124. House Of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski
125. The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver
126. Reaper Man, Terry Pratchett
127. Angus, Thongs And Full-Frontal Snogging, Louise Rennison
128. The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Arthur Conan Doyle
129. Possession, A. S. Byatt
130. The Master And Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov
131. The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
132. Danny The Champion Of The World, Roald Dahl
133. East Of Eden, John Steinbeck
134. George's Marvellous Medicine, Roald Dahl
135. Wyrd Sisters, Terry Pratchett
136. The Color Purple, Alice Walker
137. Hogfather, Terry Pratchett
138. The Thirty-Nine Steps, John Buchan
139. Girls In Tears, Jacqueline Wilson
140. Sleepovers, Jacqueline Wilson
141. All Quiet On The Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque
142. Behind The Scenes At The Museum, Kate Atkinson
143. High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
144. It, Stephen King
145. James And The Giant Peach, Roald Dahl
146. The Green Mile, Stephen King
147. Papillon, Henri Charriere
148. Men At Arms, Terry Pratchett
149. Master And Commander, Patrick O'Brian
150. Skeleton Key, Anthony Horowitz
151. Soul Music, Terry Pratchett
152. Thief Of Time, Terry Pratchett
153. The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett
154. Atonement, Ian McEwan
155. Secrets, Jacqueline Wilson
156. The Silver Sword, Ian Serraillier
157. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Ken Kesey
158. Heart Of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
159. Kim, Rudyard Kipling
160. Cross Stitch, Diana Gabaldon
161. Moby Dick, Herman Melville
162. River God, Wilbur Smith
163. Sunset Song, Lewis Grassic Gibbon
164. The Shipping News, Annie Proulx
165. The World According To Garp, John Irving
166. Lorna Doone, R. D. Blackmore
167. Girls Out Late, Jacqueline Wilson
168. The Far Pavilions, M. M. Kaye
169. The Witches, Roald Dahl
170. Charlotte's Web, E. B. White
171. Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
172. They Used To Play On Grass, Terry Venables and Gordon Williams
173. The Old Man And The Sea, Ernest Hemingway
174. The Name Of The Rose, Umberto Eco
175. Sophie's World, Jostein Gaarder
176. Dustbin Baby, Jacqueline Wilson
177. Fantastic Mr. Fox, Roald Dahl
178. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov
179. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, Richard Bach
180. The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery
181. The Suitcase Kid, Jacqueline Wilson
182. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens
183. The Power Of One, Bryce Courtenay
184. Silas Marner, George Eliot
185. American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis
186. The Diary Of A Nobody, George and Weedon Gross-mith
187. Trainspotting, Irvine Welsh
188. Goosebumps, R. L. Stine
189. Heidi, Johanna Spyri
190. Sons And Lovers, D. H. Lawrence
191. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera
192. Man And Boy, Tony Parsons
193. The Truth, Terry Pratchett
194. The War Of The Worlds, H. G. Wells
195. The Horse Whisperer, Nicholas Evans
196. A Fine Balance, Rohinton Mistry
197. Witches Abroad, Terry Pratchett
198. The Once And Future King, T. H. White
199. The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle
200. Flowers In The Attic, Virginia Andrews
201. The Silmarillion, J.R.R. Tolkien
202. The Eye of the World, Robert Jordan
203. The Great Hunt, Robert Jordan
204. The Dragon Reborn, Robert Jordan
205. Fires of Heaven, Robert Jordan
206. Lord of Chaos, Robert Jordan
207. Winter's Heart, Robert Jordan
208. A Crown of Swords, Robert Jordan
209. Crossroads of Twilight, Robert Jordan
210. A Path of Daggers, Robert Jordan
211. As Nature Made Him, John Colapinto
212. Microserfs, Douglas Coupland
213. The Married Man, Edmund White
214. Winter's Tale, Mark Helprin
215. The History of Sexuality, Michel Foucault
216. Cry to Heaven, Anne Rice
217. Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe, John Boswell
218. Equus, Peter Shaffer
219. The Man Who Ate Everything, Jeffrey Steingarten
220. Letters To A Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke
221. Ella Minnow Pea, Mark Dunn
222. The Vampire Lestat, Anne Rice
223. Anthem, Ayn Rand
224. The Bridge To Terabithia, Katherine Paterson
225. Tartuffe, Moliere
226. The Metamorphosis, Franz Kafka
227. The Crucible, Arthur Miller
228. The Trial, Franz Kafka
229. Oedipus Rex, Sophocles
230. Oedipus at Colonus, Sophocles
231. Death Be Not Proud, John Gunther
232. A Doll's House, Henrik Ibsen
233. Hedda Gabler, Henrik Ibsen
234. Ethan Frome, Edith Wharton
235. A Raisin In The Sun, Lorraine Hansberry
236. ALIVE!, Piers Paul Read
237. Grapefruit, Yoko Ono
238. Trickster Makes This World, Lewis Hyde
240. The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley
241. Chronicles of Thomas Convenant, Unbeliever, Stephen Donaldson
242. Lord of Light, Roger Zelazny
242. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Michael Chabon
243. Summerland, Michael Chabon
244. A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole
245. Candide, Voltaire
246. The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar and Six More, Roald Dahl
247. Ringworld, Larry Niven
248. The King Must Die, Mary Renault
249. Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein
250. A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L'Engle
251. The Eyre Affair, Jasper Fforde
252. The House Of The Seven Gables, Nathaniel Hawthorne
253. The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne
254. The Joy Luck Club, Amy Tan
255. The Great Gilly Hopkins, Katherine Paterson
256. Chocolate Fever, Robert Kimmel Smith
257. Xanth: The Quest for Magic, Piers Anthony
258. The Lost Princess of Oz, L. Frank Baum
259. Wonder Boys, Michael Chabon
260. Lost In A Good Book, Jasper Fforde
261. Well Of Lost Plots, Jasper Fforde
261. Life Of Pi, Yann Martel
263. The Bean Trees, Barbara Kingsolver
264. A Yellow Rraft In Blue Water, Michael Dorris
265. Little House on the Prairie, Laura Ingalls Wilder
267. Where The Red Fern Grows, Wilson Rawls
268. Griffin & Sabine, Nick Bantock
269. Witch of Black Bird Pond, Joyce Friedland
270. Mrs. Frisby And The Rats Of NIMH, Robert C. O'Brien
271. Tuck Everlasting, Natalie Babbitt
272. The Cay, Theodore Taylor
273. From The Mixed-Up Files Of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, E.L. Konigsburg
274. The Phantom Tollbooth, Norton Jester
275. The Westing Game, Ellen Raskin
276. The Kitchen God's Wife, Amy Tan
277. The Bone Setter's Daughter, Amy Tan
278. Relic, Duglas Preston & Lincolon Child
279. Wicked, Gregory Maguire
280. American Gods, Neil Gaiman
281. Misty of Chincoteague, Marguerite Henry
282. The Girl Next Door, Jack Ketchum
283. Haunted, Judith St. George
284. Singularity, William Sleator
285. A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson
286. Different Seasons, Stephen King
287. Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk
288. About a Boy, Nick Hornby
289. The Bookman's Wake, John Dunning
290. The Church of Dead Girls, Stephen Dobyns
291. Illusions, Richard Bach
292. Magic's Pawn, Mercedes Lackey
293. Magic's Promise, Mercedes Lackey
294. Magic's Price, Mercedes Lackey
295. The Dancing Wu Li Masters, Gary Zukav
296. Spirits of Flux and Anchor, Jack L. Chalker
297. Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice
298. The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices, Brenda Love
299. Infinite Jest, David Foster Wallace
300. The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison
301. The Cider House Rules, John Irving
302. Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card
303. Girlfriend in a Coma, Douglas Coupland
304. The Lion's Game, Nelson Demille
305. The Sun, The Moon, and the Stars, Stephen Brust
306. Cyteen, C. J. Cherryh
307. Foucault's Pendulum, Umberto Eco
308. Cryptonomicon, Neal Stephenson
309. Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahniuk
310. Camber of Culdi, Kathryn Kurtz
311. The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand
312. War and Rememberance, Herman Wouk
313. The Art of War, Sun Tzu
314. The Giver, Lois Lowry
315. The Telling, Ursula Le Guin
316. Xenogenesis (or Lilith's Brood), Octavia Butler (Dawn, Adulthood Rites,
Imago)
317. A Civil Campaign, Lois McMaster Bujold
318. The Curse of Chalion, Lois McMaster Bujold
319. The Aeneid, Publius Vergilius Maro (Vergil)
320. Hanta Yo, Ruth Beebe Hill
321. The Princess Bride, S. Morganstern (or William Goldman)
322. Beowulf, Anonymous
323. The Sparrow, Maria Doria Russell
324. Deerskin, Robin McKinley
325. Dragonsong, Anne McCaffrey
326. Passage, Connie Willis
327. Otherland, Tad Williams
328. Tigana, Guy Gavriel Kay
329. Number the Stars, Lois Lowry
330. Beloved, Toni Morrison
331. Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, Christopher Moore
332. The mysterious disappearance of Leon, I mean Noel, Ellen Raskin
333. Summer Sisters, Judy Blume
334. The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Victor Hugo
335. The Island on Bird Street, Uri Orlev
336. Midnight in the Dollhouse, Marjorie Filley Stover
337. The Miracle Worker, William Gibson
338. The Genesis Code, John Case
339. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Robert Louis Stevensen
340. Paradise Lost, John Milton
341. Phantom, Susan Kay
342. The Mummy or Ramses the Damned, Anne Rice
343. Anno Dracula, Kim Newman
344: The Dresden Files: Grave Peril, Jim Butcher
345: Tokyo Suckerpunch, Issac Adamson
346: The Winter of Magic's Return, Pamela Service
347: The Oddkins, Dean R. Koontz
348. My Name is Asher Lev, Chaim Potok
349. The Last Goodbye, Raymond Chandler
350. At Swim, Two Boys, Jaime O'Neill
351. Othello, by William Shakespeare
352. The Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas
353. The Collected Poems of William Butler Yeats
354. Sati, Christopher Pike
355. The Inferno, Dante
356. The Apology, Plato
357. The Small Rain, Madeline L'Engle
358. The Man Who Tasted Shapes, Richard E Cytowick
359. 5 Novels, Daniel Pinkwater
360. The Sevenwaters Trilogy, Juliet Marillier
361. Girl with a Pearl Earring, Tracy Chevalier
362. To the Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf
363. Our Town, Thorton Wilder
364. Green Grass Running Water, Thomas King
335. The Interpreter, Suzanne Glass
336. The Moor's Last Sigh, Salman Rushdie
337. The Mother Tongue, Bill Bryson
338. A Passage to India, E.M. Forster
339. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky
340. The Phantom of the Opera, Gaston Leroux
341. Pages for You, Sylvia Brownrigg
342. The Changeover, Margaret Mahy
343. Howl's Moving Castle, Diana Wynne Jones
344. Angels and Demons, Dan Brown
345. Johnny Got His Gun, Dalton Trumbo
346. Shosha, Isaac Bashevis Singer
347. Travels With Charley, John Steinbeck
348. The Diving-bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby
349. The Lunatic at Large by J. Storer Clouston
350. Time for bed by David Baddiel
351. Barrayar by Lois McMaster Bujold
352. Quite Ugly One Morning by Christopher Brookmyre
353. The Bloody Sun by Marion Zimmer Bradley
354. Sewer, Gas, and Eletric by Matt Ruff
355. Jhereg by Steven Brust
356. So You Want To Be A Wizard by Diane Duane
357. Perdido Street Station, China Mieville
358. The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Anne Bronte
359. Road-side Dog, Czeslaw Milosz
360. The English Patient, Michael Ondaatje
361. Neuromancer, William Gibson
362. The Epistemology of the Closet, Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick
363. A Canticle for Liebowitz, Walter M. Miller, Jr
364. The Mask of Apollo, Mary Renault
365. The Gunslinger, Stephen King
366. Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare
367. Absalom, Absalom, William Faulkner
368. The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway
369. Dreamhouse, Alison Habens
370. Hyperion, by Dan Simmons
371. Prospero's Children, Jan Siegel
372. Gaudy Night, Dorothy Sayers
373. Guns, Germs, and Steel, Jared Diamond
374. Enchantment, Orson Scott Card
375. Cetaganda, Lois McMaster Bujold
376. Beauty, Sheri S. Tepper
377. The Hour of the Star, Clarice Lispector
378. The Patron Saint of Liars, Ann Patchett
379. Sexing the Cherry, Jeanette Winterson.
380. A Wizard of Earthsea, Ursula Le'Guin
381. Assassin's Apprentice, Robin Hobb
382. The Axis Trilogy, Sara Douglass
383. Peter Pan, J. M. Barrie
384. Sabriel, Garth Nix
385. Maurice, E.M. Forster
386. Into Thin Air, Jon Krakauer
387. The Wild Swans, by Peg Kerr
388. The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger
389. Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides
390. Welcome to the Monkey House, by Kurt Vonnegut
391. The Stranger, by Albert Camus
392. Angry Candy, by Harlan Ellison
393. Snow Crash - Neal Stephenson
394. Motherless Brooklyn - Jonathan Lethem
395. The Brains of Rats - Michael Blumlein
396. Agent of Change – Steve Miller and Sharon Lee
397. The Diary of Anais Nin, Volume One
398. The Swiss Family Robinson – Johann Wyss
399. Island of the Blue Dolphins, Scott O’Dell
400. North and South, John Jakes
401. Watchers, Dean Koontz
402. Death du Jour, Kathy Reichs
403. A Is for Alibi, Sue Grafton
404. Postmortem, Patricia Cornwell
405. Nevernever - Will Shetterly
406. Street Boys - Lorenzo Carcaterra
407. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
408. House of Sand and Fog - Andre Dubus III
409. I Know This Much is True - Wally Lamb
410. The Kitchen Boy - Robert Alexander

Nothing of import...
I'm in one of those slumps where there's not much to say at the moment. However, my "to do" list at work is down to 5 things. This is an all-time low. The last time it was this low was maybe 5 years ago when I first started working here and was a peon. Man, I miss those days. I could get a good night's sleep and not wake up in a cold sweat.

Oh, by the way, the ENTIRE company knows about the e-mail thing now.

Bad Lady is out the rest of the week. When asked if she was going out of town (she never volunteers this information), she said she "had stuff" to do. That's as much as we got, and that was after prying. And, like the responsible coworker she is, she left us no note of what she was working on, who could possibly call, you know, the standard stuff you do before you leave. So all morning long we've been scrambling to figure out what's going on with her stuff. I mean, it's just three days, but whatever.

Jeopardy
The answer: 477.
The question: How many Skittles must one eat before one becomes physically repulsed at oneself?

Seven days
Last night, for reasons I still don't understand, my husband and I decided to watch the movie "The Ring." I think it was sparked by a conversation we'd had with some friends Sunday night about the scariest moments in movies. Mine, just as an aside, occurs in "The Exorcist" when the girl sees a flash of the demon who is possessing her. It's one of those "blink and you miss it" moments. But if you have a VCR/DVD and pause it, you can see the horrifying face that comes on screen. It wouldn't be scary if it wasn't completely unexpected. But up to that point in the movie there hasn't been anything hugely scary like that, so you let your guard down.

Anyway, our friends told us that "The Ring" was scary, and lord knows why, but we decided to see if they were right.

I'd have to say that it was definitely creepy. But it was one of those movies that you know exactly when something freaky is going to happen, because they change the music, or they build the tension until you know something is coming.

And they can't let the viewer make his or her own assumptions. For instance, early on in the film, we see the disturbing home video that apparently is responsible for four teens' deaths. People who view the movie die in seven days. The video contains strange, juxtaposed images, for instance, a woman looking in a mirror, dead horses, a window where someone is looking out, a lighthouse scene, a ladder. A few minutes later, our protagonist, who has seen the video and is now under this seven day curse, walks past a ladder propped up at an identical angle to the one in the video. Any idiot could have made the connection, but instead, they have to cut back to the scene in the video of the ladder. Like, LOOK! THERE IS A CONNECTION HERE! DO YOU SEE? HUH? HUH?

I know that when viewing a movie such as "The Ring," one is not supposed to ponder the logic after the film is over. It's actually an interesting premise, and I think they could have done a lot more with it than they did. For instance, I want to know more about the Morgans, the family around which the curse seems to have originated. I think that a few more people should have mysteriously died.

Nothing spectacular, but after it was over, it stayed with me in a "sleep with the lights on" kind of way.

It finally happened
Saturday morning, I woke up and stumbled into the kitchen, only to find a dirty pair of my undies strewn on the kitchen floor. Seems we forgot to close up the scary basement for the night and Dom just needed to fish out a souvenir. That cat has some serious issues. This morning he had brought up one of his toys, a canvas tunnel that is easily twice his size, from the rec room area of the basement. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The long weekend
Almost the weekend, y'all. Three-day weekend! Whoo! Maybe it won't rain the entire weekend. Maybe.

I don't have any major plans. We are possibly having people over for a cookout Sunday night. Hot dog, anyone?

Tonight we are going to watch this past Sunday's whacktacular episode of the Sopranos. I hate knowing what is going to happen because all I want to do is tell my husband, "I can't believe Ade got whacked!" But he would kill me. Not really, but he would be really, really mad for like, a minute.

And it's going to be spring cleaning part deux. Last weekend was part the first. The living room and kitchen got sparkly makeovers. The bathroom kinda did but only half-assedly. Big projects still lie ahead. The basement -- including the Scary Basement of Doooooooom (or Dom, as it is his fave room in the house, evah), upstairs room, and two bedrooms.

Non stop fun! Anyone doing anything exciting?

With my tail between my legs
I'm maintaining a low profile today because yesterday we got in trouble. BIG trouble. I won't go into the whole story but it involved an e-mail ending up in the hands of the wrong person, that e-mail being forwarded to some upper level people, and a lot of feelings being hurt. I was the intended recipient of the e-mail. A co-worker meant to forward it to me but instead hit reply and replied with some snark about an assignment and a general disparaging remark about the person. Not good.

The whole department got a scolding because it looks like we are a bunch of jerkoffs who e-mail back and forth all day. Plus we had some people walking around without shoes and my boss cracked down on that (which I'm glad for -- feet give me the heebie jeebies).

On top of that, Incompetent but Likeable, in the midst of when the heat was on, was off kilter yesterday and yelled so half the floor heard him, caps lock, leaned over: "HEY KATH, [CEO] NEEDS ME TO FAX HIM THE ARTICLE WE WROTE ON [some company thing] RIGHT NOW OR THE WORLD IS GOING TO FRIGGEN END!"

And after that I had to take a call from aforementioned CEO to give me a change to some flyer I did. My face was burning bright red as all hell was breaking loose and the eye twitch briefly showed up for moral support.

When I got home I took a long walk around the neighborhood and laughed about it with my husband. I couldn't believe the bad timing of everything.

Today the tone in the department is definitely low-key. No banter. No e-mail. And you know what? I'm actually getting work done. Funny how that works.

Taste the rainbow
I never knew how much I enjoyed Skittles until I was able to single-handedly demolish a 17.60 oz bag (now with 10% more FREE!) in the span of about five business days. I need to replenish the snack drawer because the Skittles are about all that's going on in there.

I was about to describe my freakish Skittle eating pattern but decided that it was too weird to share. But it is a very scientific, mathematical method. Trust me.

And, just so you know, I went to skittles.com to grab a pic of my favorite little candies, and was disturbed to see Shrek Skittles. They are ogre-green and have a little line art pic of Shrek's head on it where the "S" usually is. Disturbing.

The cheese has gone
Yawn. Fantasia won. Either that or the Franklin D. Roosevelt Jr. High production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat" was shown on national tv last night. Not sure. Not sure what happened there.

How about Roooooooben, folks? He started sweating the second he hit the stage. Profusely. It's kind of gross, 'kay Roob? Sweat is only becoming of a man when he's buff and shirtless. Example: Josh Duhamel in that how to win a date with Tad Hamilton in 10 days or whatever it was called. Sweaty Josh = GOOD. Sweaty Studdard = BAD. See the diff?

It was an homage to America's crappiest music, bad dancing, cheesy hosts, and a bunch of kids who, in ten years, will be dragged out on VH-1's "Where are those losers now that no one gives a crap" show. Now let's hope that we can all put this behind us and move on.

The remedy is the experience
Rarely, have I been able to say that a concert's opening act was as good as the headliner. After attending Jason Mraz's acoustic tour last night, for the first time, I have to say that the opening acts outshone the headliner.

I am not a fan of acoustic shows. The others I've been to have been disappointments. I saw Shawn Colvin perform acoustic a couple of years ago and she stumbled and bumbled through her set and told incoherent stories. Ryan Adams' acoustic set completely alienated the audience and he failed to play any of the songs that the fans wanted to hear. And in the same fashion, Jason Mraz was entertaining, but didn't live up to expectation, especially after his two opening acts blew the audience away.

The first artist, Hawaiian singer/songwriter Makana, did things with a guitar I didn't know were possible. He infused traditional Hawaiian sound (including the "slack key" form of guitar tuning) with modern folk elements, resulting in a mesmerizing performance. I'll forgive Hawaii for Jasmine Trias now.

Makana brought out Jason and the second opening act, Raul Midon, for his final song. The show transitioned effortlessly between Makana and Midon's sets. Midon, who just happens to be blind, turned his guitar into an entire band, by simulating percussion and even performing a horn solo with his mouth. He had a funky, soulful sound that I would put somewhere on the map between Stevie Wonder, Lenny Kravitz and Bob Marley.

After having seen two incredible talents, I figured Jason would just rock the house. He didn't disappoint the crowd, who would have screamed uncontrollably regardless of whether or not any actual music was played, but he didn't wow. He played a succession of favorites, like "The Remedy (I Won't Worry)", "I'll Do Anything" and "You and I Both," and told some pretty amusing stories about roller rinks and Scary Spice which I only half heard, and also did a cover of "The Rainbow Connection," but then wasted time by trying to get the audience to do a call-and-answer style skat song. I would have rather heard a few more of his tunes than had to hear the audience try to sing "skiddly a ba bap bu bap", but maybe that's just me.

An abomination
First of all: blood test results= normal! Whee! Now I just need to find out what they want to do with me now. Probably I'll go see an ENT.

But now, on to more grim news. I thought that TVJ was just foolin' with us, but alas, it is true: Satan will be showing her ugly face on television again this summer. I have never been a huge follower of The Amazing Race, but I know that I will have to tune in now just to -- hopefully -- see Alison whine her way into an early exit from the show.

WHY would they give her more face time? I guess because she has so much hateration. It makes good television, or something like that. Argh!

Heads up
As Green Tuna pointed out, the world wide web just doesn't want some of you to read this blog if you have attempted to come on board with a www. at the beginning.

So update your links: http://thesketchfactor.blogspot.com!

You have been warned.

Sopran-news
I was just cruising around the blogs and had been cooking up a bitchfest about the Sopranos, how they only have 13 episodes about as often as the cicadas come to play, but I am also a week behind on viewing said award-winning HBO series. So then I read a wee bit of a spoiler concerning last night's ep and now I have to rethink my rant. I guess I should watch the ep first.

Last night we watched the past two weeks' worth of episodes, one of which contained a half-hour long dream sequence that was one midget short of a Twin Peaks moment. It's like the writers ran out of actual plot and so they were like, well, let's just make up a really bizarre dream and then pay all the dead people to come back and do cameos. (This caused me to exclaim, "Pussy!" when the unfortunately-named character came on screen -- and I HATE that word.)

I understand that a lot of the show deals with Tony's struggle to reconcile his actions with his own conscience (did I mention that I'm reading that Sopranos philosophy book that I found at Borders a few weeks ago?) but enough with the dreams already. It could have ended looooooooong before he was screwing Artie's wife while Artie watched. Yee.

But with that being said, the Sopranos is still, hands down, one of the best written and best acted shows ever.

Now I just need to catch up...

So now the waiting game begins
There was no improvement in my dizziness over the weekend. So I had to go back in to the doctor today. He still feels that it is an inner ear infection and that the pills just need more time to work. (Hello? The pills did NOTHING except make me extremely drowsy.) However, he also drew blood to rule out the possibility of diabetes and anemia because I have a history of diabetes in my family and I was anemic as a child. I have long suspected that I have something like this but I always assumed it was hypoglycemia, the other end of the spectrum, because I always get shaky when I don't eat within a couple of hours.

So at least now I'll know. One way or another.

And can I just say that getting blood drawn is very icky? I closed my eyes so I didn't have to see it, but I could hear... never mind... you don't want to know.

I find out Wednesday what the results of the blood test are. If there's nothing abnormal, then I go to an ear, nose and throat specialist.

In between then and now I'm sure I'll be freaking out, but I plan on keeping myself relatively busy to avoid the complete wigout. For instance, tonight we are going to take my mother-in-law to dinner for her birthday. Tomorrow I am going to go in to work, even though the doctor said I didn't have to, just so I can keep busy during the day. Then tomorrow night I'm going to see Jason Mraz perform acoustic. He was amazing when he came in the Fall with a full band, so I'm hoping that he doesn't lose that coolness when it's just him.

Oh, and of course, there's the Fantasia/Diana faceoff tomorrow night. Except oh yeah, I don't care. Much.

Cures what ails ya
An entire 99-cent bag of Baked Lays, with chasers of Skittles and Diet Coke, is a pretty good cure for vertigo. At least when my teeth are busy chomping on chips, it is hard to notice the spinning head.

Hello... is it me you're looking for?

This is just a test. Lionel has been sent here to see how this neat new little photo feature, called "Hello," works. 

It's also an IM program, for Blogger users, so ya know, if you feel like it, add me to your list. I'm katjamb1.

This was today's front page news...
In the Akron Beacon Journal. Not only front page, but front page, above the fold. Can we say, slow news day?

But still, I thought that some of you would truly enjoy it. Especially those of you who work in libraries... ahem...

http://www.ohio.com/mld/ohio/8720758.htm?1c

Hello Minotaur
The initial thinking from the doc is that I have a condition called labrynthitis, which is the sensation caused by running in a large maze with a horned creature in the middle. Or something like that. Actually, it's some kind of inner ear condition that is offsetting my balance and causing vertigo. I am on a glorified form of dramamine. If the condition doesn't clear up by Monday, I have to go back in to the doctor for more testing.

So I have all weekend to fret about it! Wonderful!

I came in to the office and now I'm regretting it. Both staring at the computer screen (which, admittedly, I'd be doing at home anyway) and the various office noises aren't really helping with the dizziness. Come on, dramamine, do your thing!

Kind of makes you wonder
I was just on the phone with the nurseline for my health insurance, asking them about some dizziness that I've been having over the past few days. They went through the usual litany of questions, and I got the usual "could you be pregnant" one, but then they asked if I had come into contact with anyone who had the SARS virus. That's a new one.

And the end result was that they had no idea what was causing my dizziness. I'll be visiting my doctor's office tomorrow morning. I hope it's not a toomah!

Shout outs
Because I'm lazy, I have a bunch of random stuff that I'm going to direct at certain readers, rather than hunting down e-mails, because, oh yeah, I already said it: I'm lazy.

So here goes:

Copsister: I want to send your tape back to you but I have misplaced the slip of paper with your address on it. Can you e-mail it to me at the address at the top of this page? I admit -- it was in a bad place -- on the living room floor, near the TV. When I went to look for it this morning, my husband's shoes and socks were in the exact place where the piece of paper was. So I have no idea what happened to it, because it would be very out of character for him to actually throw something away! [/end gripe]

Green Tuna: I thought you would be happy to know that someone visited my site after searching for "imitation marshmallow peeps." Perhaps they visited yours as well?

Babyfishfel: Up until yesterday I thought it was "Babyfishel" without the second "f". Don't ask me why. I have changed my link accordingly.

Anyone concerned about the goings on in my office: Bad Lady has a new secret nickname. I can't take credit for coming up with the name. We have been referring to her as "Hack 'n' Mumbles" (pronounced Hackenmumbles) because she has been frequently producing a dry, hacking cough, and because she is the only human being I know who can carry on a 15 minute phone call without pronouncing an actual word.

Jasmine Trias: Congratulations, you're the next American Idol!

And one more:

For those of you expecting a post-American Idol rant, I bring you this instead:
I have a fairly long commute to work. And most of it is spent on our wonderful Ohio Turnpike. Many of you are familiar with this stretch of road. It takes you to such wonderful destinations as Pennsylvania (going East), Toledo, Detroit and Indiana (going west) and along the way, stretches across many, many acres of farm land. On my stretch, not so much. My stretch of turnpike is actually quite beautiful. It goes over the Cuyahoga river and the Cuyahoga Valley National Park.

Taking the turnpike to and from work, five days a week, for upwards of three years, means that I see a lot of the same faces in the toll booth. A lot of them recognize me. There are some turnpike workers who I like more than others. For instance, there's Mr. Friendly, a surly man who barely utters a grunt while taking my ticket and my EZ Pass card. There's Gorbechev, who, minus the large birthmark, resembles the former Russian leader. There's Overly Perky in the Morning Woman, who always has a big grin for me when I want to ram my Corolla into someone's bumper, and there's Gigantic Asshole Bastard, who I hate because he always tells me to "smile!" when all I want to do is get home and away from his freaking tollbooth.

Well this morning, a new character was added to my repertoire of tollbooth friends. This guy shall heretofore be known as Shouting Man. "HELLO!" he boomed at me this morning while taking my ticket. Then, when he gave it back to me, "HAVE A NICE DAY!"

Yikes. That's a little more than a girl can take at 8:15 a.m. Know what I'm sayin'?

Out of office
Well, I woke up this morning feeling somewhat akin to crap, so I took one of my coveted sick days. I always feel guilty taking a sick day, even if I know that I don't have anything pressing that someone else will need to look at or work on. I probably could have gone in. But... I'm glad I didn't.

Then I dread hearing the phone ring because I think it could be my boss. And he might want something.

At the same time, when the phone doesn't ring, I begin to think that it doesn't make a difference whether or not I'm there. They don't need me! Oh no! I need to feel needed!

OK, not that much. I'm glad for the day of rest. I needed it, maybe more mentally than physically.

Old school
This weekend I traveled back in time about six years and visited my alma mater. It's an annual pilgrimage made by myself and one of my former roommates. We go during a certain festival week whereupon they close down the main street and several vendors from different multicultural organizations open up little booths on the street and sell food, jewelry, and miscellaneous other things. There's music, dancing and plenty of people watching (the last being the most interesting).

Among the people I saw: our super sketchy roommate who sublet in our house during the summer between junior and senior year. The entire summer he had one bath towel that he never washed. It stank to high holy heaven. Seriously, it may have been the worst stank I have ever laid my nostrils upon. Our tactic was to avoid him like the dickens. He also had a huge falling out with me and my roommate that summer, saying we were "shallow" -- this being a couple days after he asked me out and I rejected him. OK, yeah, I'm a little bit shallow. I admit it. But it's OK for me to say it, it's NOT OK for someone else to tell me that. Anyway, I can think of few people I'd rather not run into than him.

I also saw from afar T Diddy's brother sitting at the window table of Bagel Street Deli (please confirm or deny).

There were a ton of other people who looked familiar, but I don't know if it's whether I actually knew them or because they looked similar to people I knew when I went there.

It's always fun to go back there. We slip back into our personas from when we were students. We feel young but old at the same time. Our hangouts are closed, under new management, named different names, turned into tshirt stores. In fact, we were in a tshirt store that used to be a bar called The Dugout when we went there. But another group of alums, 2002 grads, came in and recalled that when they went there, the bar was called Mama Einstein's. It made us feel even older.

We drove back down by our old dorms, looked into the windows of where we lived ten years ago. We noticed all the classroom buildings where we spent most of our days. We both regretted not being more involved while we were there. We spent so much time sitting on our asses, doing nothing. I wish that I had done more with my free time. Although, I did have a blast, come to think of it.

It's always sad to leave town after one of our trips. There's never enough time to see everything we want to see, eat everything we want to eat, drive past all the places we want to reminisce about. I know I'll go back there every year, sometimes more than that, and each time I'll feel a little bit more detached, a little bit more nostalgic. But for those few hours, I swear, it's like the town has been waiting for me, to show me some of its new secrets, and to assure me that no matter how long I'm away, it will still feel like home when I come back.

Octoporn
I was enjoying reading the story about the octopus getting it on today. But man, give the couple a little privacy! This isn't the Paris Hilton tape. Jeez!

Stop clownin' around
On the main MSN page this morning is a rather disturbing picture of a Ronald McDonald lookalike in the back of a police car, frowning and waving to onlookers. I don't know if I have previously mentioned my fear and general heebie jeebies toward clowns, but Ronald McDonald is at the top of my list of freaky red-wigged dudes who like kids. So every time I click on Internet Explorer (read: every 5 minutes), I get to see that unnerving vision. The story itself is kind of amusing, it deals with a Greenpeace member who chained himself to a Mickey D's distribution center to protest the fast food chain's practice of feeding genetically altered food to their chickens. Mmm. McNuggets.

Clowns of all sorts have always scared me. I trace it back to the Stephen King novel, "It," which I read in seventh grade, and then the made-for-TV movie based on that novel, starring Tim Curry as the scary-ass clown. Ever since then, clowns have been evil, horrifying and just really give me the wiggins.

There was also a mime that really freaked me out. He worked at Sea World of Ohio, which exists no longer, at the Sea Lion and Otter show. He was the whole deal, the black and white striped shirt, trapping himself in a box, wrong-ass mime. As a young'un, I never wanted to sit in the front rows during that show because he would come over and do his mime thing and it would just really put a damper on my otherwise lovely day with Shamu.

My mime hatred healed a little during Big Brother 4 when the mime entered the house and taunted Alison, Robert and Jun. That mime is OK by me. But he does not erase my years and years of anti-mimeism.

This is actually a common fear... anyone else care to step up and admit that they can't stand the sight of a big-shoe wearin', red mouthed, multicolor haired man in thrift store clothing?

Restoring my faith in humanity
Finally, America got it right and awarded the man beast, Rupert, with a million bucks. Still doesn't quite remedy the LaToya snafu, but hey, I'm glad that Rupert is sitting on a cool mill now.

Even better was Jeff calling Jerri out on the carpet. I could have watched him go at it with her for the majority of the hour. Jeff was in rare form, that's for sure.

The worst moment of the night was seeing Johnny Fairplay in the audience, and THEN letting him speak. He is still one of the most vile human beings on the planet.

So until September, we are Survivor-less. Withdrawal will kick in in approximately 5... 4... 3... 2...

Please let spandex be next
Don't our nation's lawmakers have better things to be worrying about than this? Not that I'm saying it's a bad thing. I certainly don't like seeing young girl's butt cracks, nor do I like seeing the underwear-clad buttocks of guys wearing jeans so low they're around the ankles. Well, maybe I don't mind those buttocks as much as I mind the girls' cracks, but you get the point.

Honestly, though, why stop with the low-slung, ass-baring pants? Let's also ban spandex, anything that starts with the word "tube," and also, while we're at it, let's ban people from wearing shirts that reveal the belly button and its surrounding areas.

What am I forgetting? There must be other fashion atrocities that, if lawmakers are willing to sponsor a bill, we can eliminate as well.

What a crock
I'm so done with American Idol. So. Done.
I guess it's like the presidential election, though, if you don't vote, you don't get to complain. I didn't vote for LaToya on Tuesday. So I guess it's partially my fault that she's gone.

Oh well. Perhaps the American Idol producers will have to think about changing the way the voting is done after Jasmine wins and they are forced to give a mediocre singer a record contract.

What I really watched
Last night I learned that even with my back to the TV, I could still follow what was going on on "24." The only time I turned around to look was when the daughter ran back to Tony and then all the shooting started. But that was, what, the last few minutes of the show?

Then I tuned in to the Game Show Network (now known just by its much hipper "GSN") to see a rerun of season one of "The Mole." I won't give anything away, but Kathryn is the mole. And Steven wins. But it's still fun to watch, because a) Anderson Cooper is hilarious, and b) knowing who the mole is makes it more interesting.

I saw a little bit of American Idol. I saw Jasmine's first performance (meh) and then missed everyone else's first, and then tuned in again just in time to see Jasmine crying after her performance. What happened? I'm assuming Simon said something insensitive. Everyone else was just OK. I liked LaToya's performance, but I always do. And I disliked Fantasia and Diana's performances. I wasn't even looking at the TV and I still couldn't stand them. And Fantasia really should just keep her mouth shut at all times when she isn't singing.

Don't forget to vote for your favorite Survivor All-Star to win a million! There's still time!

Extreme Makeover
I am experiencing a bit of blogger envy. I'm checking out sites like Green Tuna's, Mensch's, and Tracie's, and they are all looking fabulous! But then there's mine which is still pea/camoflauge green and orange. Not so attractive.

*sigh*

I'm too chicken shit to change mine! I don't want to lose my comments!

I guess I need to grow a pair and just do it.

Later.

Maybe tomrrow.

Or something.

Hot stuff
Can I just say that I really don't give two shits about the rest of the American Idol season? OK. I will. I don't give two shits about the rest of the American Idol season. Tonight, we'll see some Donna Summers tunes, which I'm sure will include "Hot Stuff" (Fantasia), "Last Dance" (Jasmine?), "She Works Hard for the Money" (LaToya) and god only knows what Diana will do. I'm just guessing, by the way. And I also couldn't think of another Donna Summers song to save my life.

We all know that the final two are going to be Fantasia (boooooo) and LaToya (yayyyyyy). But honestly, beyond that, who cares? Does anyone think that either of these two are going to have the kind of success that Clay Aiken, Kelly Clarkson, and to a lesser extent, Ruben Studdard, have enjoyed?

Or will they be more along the lines of a Justin Guarini type of success? Which is to say, none at all?

This means war
The office battle this morning is between my department and the tech department. They hate us anyway. We have all different software than everyone else, and it causes them problems for god knows what reason.

Anyway, we are getting ready to launch our new website, and for whatever reason, Tech Dweeb #1 needs to print 900 pages of screen shots of the site on our department's color printer. I'm not exaggerating. I went to the printer and it was printing page 398 of 900 and had died.

This isn't Kinko's. If you have that much shit to print, print it black and white. Don't waste our toner and paper with that nonsense. Why does it have to be in color? For what purpose must it be printed? It's on the Internet.

So we're stuck waiting for our stuff to come out after the 900th page prints. That is, IF we have paper left.

Of note
~I just became a little bit less in debt, as I made the last payment toward my previous leased car. Never lease a car if you can avoid it. Sure, the monthly payments are lower, but at the end, you find out that they can tack on all these extra charges for excess wear and tear, excess mileage (OK, so I went over by quite a bit) and mine even had a "lease termination fee." To the tune of just under $2000. I had to make nine monthly payments of $220 to pay it off, and the last one was just paid today. Go me! Now I only have one car payment to make instead of two! $220 more bucks a month to go toward my credit cards! Or to actually pay bills on time!

~Last night I purchased the domain name for www.thesketchfactor.com. Now I just need to figure out what to do with it.

~It is definitely a Wendy's mandarin chicken salad day.

~Oh, and one more thing... I got Cops' tape of the OC finale and last week's Survivor in the mail! Woot! I will watch it tonight after I get my (fabulous) haircut.

Some assistance, por favor
For all of you who blog, I've noticed that some of you have your own domain names (e.g. www.tv-junkie.com. Because I'm on an anti-blogger rampage, I checked into typepad. I even went so far as to create this little prototype, but I want my domain to be www.thesketchfactor.com or something similar. Do I have to pay extra $$$ for that? Anybody know? TVJ? I'm just askin'.

Still no digital camera. I am dying to take pics! I hope I have it by this weekend so I can take it with me on my little road trip down to my alma mater. More on that later after my BloggeRage dies down a bit.

3:23
This is truly the worst time of day. It's the point in the day where someone always remarks, "Wow, this day went fast!" or "Wow, this day is really dragging!"

For me, the mid 3 o'clock hour is always when I start to crash and burn. Whether I'm chugging away at a huge project (like today) or I'm working on various minor stuff, it always seems to be done by 3:30. There's still plenty of time to start something else, but I don't really want to. Then I start thinking that I want a snack. Or I start thinking about what I want for dinner. Or if anyone has posted anything new that I didn't already read at 3.

And for the record, I am not dealing well with the new Blogger.

The Big Ass Twist
Argh. Blogger changed their layout. Have I mentioned that I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE??? *does the Howard Dean yell*

Where to even start discussing last night's Survivor finale? You had the big proposal *coughMikeBoogiecough* and all the drama, Rupert giving his man-beast yell to the crowd yet one more time, much to their delight, Shii Ann (for reasons I still don't quite understand) winning a car, and the obligatory Jeff Probst vote sequence in the helicopter.

I have to say, it was some exciting television. From the jury speeches (get over it already, Lex!), to Jerri's stupid wah-wah-focus on me blather at the reunion show, to Big Tom's refusal to shake Boston Rob's hand ("Don't be stupid, stupid!)... it was just great.

I've already voted on cbs.com for who I want to win the second million dollars. I'll give you a hint: tie dye.

So, as I said, there's a painful hiatus between shows now, but, as Green Tuna has informed us, it's one month and 28 days until Big Brother. Sharpen that snark, folks!

Finale night
Don't forget that tonight is Survivor finale night. Who will be the winner? Boston Rob? Amber? Rupert? Jenna?

After Survivor ends, we must turn our thoughts toward the premiere of our favorite summertime programming: Big Brother. It's almost Hamster Time again people!

Search this
I am really appreciating that my ad banner is showing related searches of "eye twitch" and "survivor news."

Oops I Did It Again
Wednesday night, my husband blew it with the VCR. Last night, I blew it.
I went to the Indians game and was not home in time for my usual television viewing. In the morning, I set the VCR, allegedly, to tape Survivor.

When I got home, I turned on the VCR to rewind the tape and realized that it was set to our local Fox station. That's because, brilliant me, I set it to tape Fox instead of CBS. So I think I have an hour of "COPS" on tape, in case anyone wants it.

I should never be trusted to do anything before 11 a.m.

E-Bay Newbie
I have a question for those of you more experienced with E-Bay: I just bid on, and won, a digital camera. (For $45 including shipping! It's probably a piece of crap!)

I paid for it through PayPal, so that is all taken care of.

What happens now? Does the seller get in touch with me or does the item just ship? I want my camera... NOW. This is going to benefit all of you because I mostly plan on using the camera to take random pictures and post them here. And will just about guarantee that most of my work day will be spent posting... oh wait, it already is.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming
As you may have gleaned from the skit, there was a bit of miscommunication last night between my husband and I regarding the taping of certain television programs.

Not only did I call him to remind him, but I e-mailed and asked if he could "please please please please please please one hundred times" tape the shows for me.

I met a friend for dinner last night and was not in home in time to view my shows.

I walked in the house at 9:53 to find him on the couch watching the Indians game. The VCR was not in motion.

"Are you taping my shows?" I asked, truly, truly feeling panicky.

I know he felt bad. He apologized. He sulked. He fell to the floor and Domino attacked him. But then he offered up this nugget, which he thought would make it all better: "But I cut the grass!"

Season finale of OC. Having freshly-cut grass? Isn't going to make the episode reappear. George Huff's swan song? Not available in my back yard.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Batten down the hatches
SCENE: The interior of a large control room. Each wall is covered with large control panels with large monitors and many buttons.

Many RANDOM GUYS are seated around the control panels, turning dials and staring intently at the monitors.

THE CAPTAIN enters.

CAPTAIN: I'd like everyone's attention please. Everyone? I've just had a rather ... disturbing report.

The RANDOM GUYS shift uncomfortably in their seats.

CAPTAIN: As you all know, we have been monitoring Kat's mood in the past few weeks and trying to regulate it. We've been successful thus far, but --

(The camera pans to a close-up of the face of RANDOM GUY #1, who appears both frightened and pensive.)

CAPTAIN: This could change everything. (close-up of captain's face, with a grave expession. He pauses for several seconds.) I've just learned that Kat's 10 year high school reunion is next month.

RANDOM GUY #1: Sir, should I press the panic button?

CAPTAIN: Not yet. Let's see how she takes the news.

RANDOM GUY #2 has a large bottle of pills. He downs the entire bottle and goes into convulsions for several seconds before going limp.

RANDOM GUY #3 is standing near a large plate glass window which was not seen in the first interior shot of the control room. He takes a running leap through the window and we hear an "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" as he plummets down several stories and hits the ground.

RANDOM GUY #4 has soiled himself.

RANDOM GUY #5: (rocking back and forth in chair) Go to your happy place. Go to your happy place.

CAPTAIN: Gentlemen! I think it's going to be OK! Kat has a month to process this information and prepare herself for this event. I think we should give her the benefit of the doubt.

RANDOM GUY #1: But she wanted to lose fifteen pounds, have a bestselling novel as well as a nice car and a husband who doesn't forget to tape the American Idol results show and the OC season finale!

CAPTAIN: It's too late for all that, and she knows it. Maybe the fifteen pounds thing. I hear the grapefruit diet works well.

RANDOM GUY #6: But she hates grapefruit! (he begins to hyperventilate)

RANDOM GUY #7: Get a hold of yourself, Random Guy #6! (he slaps Random Guy #6)

CAPTAIN: Allright, here's my plan. Random Guy #1, please program Bad Lady's radio so that no Bette Midler songs come on today. Random Guy #4, change your pants and report back here immediately. Random Guy #5, stop watching that infernal 'Peanut Butter Jelly Time' thing. #6 and #7, I need you to start typing into your keyboards as if you are really really busy! And I'll handle the rest.

The CAPTAIN smiles ominously as he exits the control room. But where is he going, and what is his plan?

TO BE CONTINUED...

And a bunch of other short things that I glommed into one post:
1. Is anyone else excited for the season finale of the O.C. tonight? Just me? OK then.

2. My sis-in-law has some kind of connection to get us backstage passes when John Mayer is in town. *thinks of clever thing to say to him to avoid being a blubbering asshole*
*also does not get hopes up as s-i-l is flake and the connection is sketchy*

3. The eye twitch has become an entire side of the face twitch. Just really the side of my nose, so I'm doing a little bit of a "Samantha from Bewitched" kind of thing. Tink-a-tink-a-tink! Wish I could do the nose twitch thing and make Bad Lady disappear.

Tacos, burritos, nachos
Yeah. I ate lunch today. My sandwich and two apples.
That didn't stop me from then eating two tacos, two brownies, and three cookies.
You see, it's Cinco de Mayo. (That's Spanish for "sink of mayonaise") So to celebrate, my office had a little Mexican potluck lunch thing, and everyone was encouraged to bring in a dish.

I'm a non-participator in those kinds of reindeer games. I don't own a crock pot, I have no cooking skills whatsoever, and usually I'm too lazy or too poor to even buy a bag of Chips Ahoy and pretend that I made them.

So I'm one of those kinds of people. I don't participate, but then I sneak down when the festivities are over and eat all the leftovers. I know it's despicable, but I am what I am.

I wish all of you a happy Cinco de Mayo. May the lemons in your Coronas be seedless.

Don't you sass back at me
Watch out, folks, and hold on to your firewalls, because the Sasser worm is comin' to get ya. It appently is so prevalent that if you don't have a firewall you will probably get it. I have no idea what a firewall is or what it does but I made sure that my home computer had its firewall all prepped and ready to deflect this sassy worm and send it careening back to the cyber wormhole from which it came.

All of us Windows users are vulnerable to it. So if you have Windows and haven't protected yourself against sassafras yet, go to microsoft.com and get yourselves some duck tape, plywood, bottled water, and a firewall.

I don't know if the sassypants worm got into my computer but something did, and now my main hotmail account, not the one listed above, but another one, has been randomly sending viruses out. The Daemon keeps e-mailing me to tell me that my attachment was suspicious. I don't usually send messages from this account so I'm not sure what it's even talking about. I changed my password, though, and even after that, it sent out suspicious attachments. And not even to people in my address book, just to randoms. So I'm a little concerned that someone has usurped my account to infect other PC's.

My main suspect is this weird dude who has been bugging me via e-mail ever since I posted a comment in someone's blog about toes. How toes are freaky or something. I think he has a foot fetish, and so he has periodically been sending me some provocative toe photos. Not the blog author, mind you, just some totally random guy who happened to read the comment. Don't worry, it wasn't your blog. Or yours.

Or maybe it's just the sasquatch worm, working its magic. I don't know. Just be aware, put your firewalls up, and it's all going to be OK.

Could I BE more over it?
While many of us are going to be watching someun get the boot tomorrow night on Survivor, a whole legion of Americans will be boo-hooing over their favorite show, Friends, and its final hurrah.

I will still watch the reruns when they're on the WB during pre-dinner hours. But I lost interest years ago, probably when I was forced to choose between my favorite reality show and my favorite sitcom. Sorry, Ross. I think it was you who drove me away.

Ross' character became too pathetic, too whiney, and too, I don't know, meh.

Now that it's almost over, I'm curious to see how it will end. Actually, even though I haven't watched, I still know that Chandler and Monica are adopting a child, or something, and that Phoebe got married, and that Rachel and Ross have a child together, and that Matt LeBlanc is going to milk his character for as far as it takes him. I guess I'm still interested enough to see how it all winds up.

During the commercials of Survivor.

Edited to add subliminal message

House rules
As HOH, I have made an executive decision. The door to the laundry room hereby is closed and shall remain closed until further notice, or until management deems it appropriate to open it again.

A certain four-legged creature who shall remain nameless has gotten out of control with his laundry room scavenger hunts. This morning, I found a pile of dirty laundry outside of the bathroom. Thinking my lazy-ass husband had left it there, I went to grab it and throw it down the chute. I realized that it was actually my stuff. Two shirts and two (non-matching) socks. And then in the kitchen: another shirt, a washcloth and a hand towel.

My poor little deranged kitty is just going to have to find a new game to play.

WTF
In the huhhhh? department, Green Tuna has made my day by unearthing this gem. I don't know if it ever ends, but I watched it, did a LOL ROFLMAO, got up, watched it again, did a little chair dance that involved the swim and the robot, and then watched it a third time. It's just that good.