Friday, September 30

So I'm pretty sure that I'm the Uh-Oh Lady.

The Day Care Queen hath dubbed me as such.

I have noticed that said Queen not only has perfectly coiffed hair every day but also has diamond (or maybe they're faux) earrings in her already-pierced ears, and she is TAN. Like, tanning booth tan. Keep in mind she cannot be older than 18 months, because she's in the infant room at the day care center.

Anyhoo, she and I have this thing going. Every day that I come in, she gets really giggly and screeches, "Uh oh!" Then I say it back to her. She says it three or four more times and sometimes I answer back. So yeah. I'm the Uh-Oh Lady. I forgot to ask if she does that to everyone who walks in. Then I won't feel quite so special.

Thursday, September 29

Bad mom
So, last night I did what I am sure is the first of many "bad mom" things to my child. He's had a little bit of a cough, also known as the Day Care Crud (tm Margaret). So yesterday I called his pediatrician and the nurse told me to a) run a cool mist humidifier in his room and b) elevate his head while he sleeps.

Cool mist humidifier? Check. We set that up and it was ready to roll for him.
Elevating the head? Um, yeah. So here's what happened.

I lifted up the (flimsy) mattress in his bassinette (his crib is still on back order, but don't even get me started on that) and shoved two towels underneath, creating a slope that Picabo Street would envy. Even though it looked odd like that, I asked my husband and he said it looked fine to him. So I left it that way.

I put little Banks in there (nickname has been shortened from McBanks) and he drifted off to sleep.

I heard him making some noise around 1 a.m. so I got up to check on him. Poor thing had slid down the slope and was now lodged diagonally in the bottom of the bassinette.

But he was still sleeping. So I left him there. My rule is, if the baby's sleeping, LEAVE HIM ALONE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

When he woke up at 3, I took one of the towels out. So I'm not THAT bad of a mom, I guess.

Monday, September 26

Watch my back
I have a co-worker that I'd like to introduce you to. She shall hereby be known as Shady Backstabbing Wench Who Wants To Steal My Job. Shady for short. Guess why I don't like her?

Friday, September 23

Food rant
You know what I hate? When I get a bag of baby carrots and they're all slimy. It really skeeves me.

This coming from someone who ate a substance called chicken fries today. I mean, really.

Monday, September 19

Week nine photos
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Phew! Nine weeks old!

He was born two months ago. It seems hard to believe that it's already been that long. The time has just flown.

Now he's starting to outgrow his newborn clothes, and he's already out of the newborn diapers.

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This has been a week of firsts. First day in day care, first Browns game, and, unfortunately, first case of the sniffles. I've got them too. I had to vaccuum boogers out of his nose with the plastic bulb. He screamed bloody murder. I felt horrible.

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Fortunately, he forgave me.
Here we go again
In case you haven't heard, the Spice Girls are back. Except this time it's different chicks and there are more of them and they're calling themselves the Pussycat Dolls. I made this discovery by watching MTV recently.

And it's official, I am too old to watch MTV now. I tried to watch the Video Music Awards and realized that, aside from Diddy (formerly known as P. Diddy, formerly known as Puff Daddy, nee Sean Combs), I knew absolutely no one. I knew none of the music, none of the artists. Oh wait, I knew Usher too. And Kanye "Media Whore of the Moment" West. But from there, I was completely lost.

That's OK, just a little farther down the dial is a channel that has welcomed me with open arms... vh-1. I swear, there is almost always something on that channel that will at least kill some time while I am feeding the baby. And if it's an "I love the 80's" or "I love the 90's" marathon, I have to force myself to turn it off otherwise I will watch six back-to-back episodes.

Yeah. It's pretty sad, come to think of it.

Friday, September 16

Damage done
I just snapped and went on an Amazon binge. I pre-ordered the season one DVD of Veronica Mars (yeah!!!), and also picked up a copy of one of my new favorite movies, which was on HBO non-stop while I was home on maternity leave: Big Fish. If you have just given birth to a son, it is not a good idea to watch this movie, especially if you are still hormonal. I cried no less than six times during this movie.

I got something else but can't remember at the moment. It was all a blur.
Queen of the Day Care, part 2
This morning, the Queen was holding court once again in her high chair. The subjects looked on as they dined on a breakfast of Cheerios. As I approached the Queen, she tipped her sippy cup over. "Uh-oh," she said, and looked at me.

"Uh-oh," I repeated and continued putting my son's bottles in the fridge.

"Uh-oh!!!" she said again, looking at me.

So I picked up the sippy cup and put it back upright.

The next thing I knew, the Queen tipped it over again. "Uh-oh!" she said.

Now, Homey don't play that. So I left it this time. But then she started the "hi" chorus and the others chimed in.

I sense a pattern developing here...

COSTUME UPDATE: OK, so my mom is TOTALLY on board with the Halloween costume. But, the monkey is sold out. I must pick something else... the elephant is cute, too. A kitty, maybe?

Thursday, September 15

All hail the queen
Today I met the Queen of the Day Care.

There she was, sitting high above her subjects, in her very own high chair, while the others all had to sit around a table. Her hair was perfectly coiffed. As I passed by her high chair to put Daniel's bottles in the fridge, she smiled at me and said "hi."

"Hi," I said back.

Suddenly, a chorus of "hi's" rang through the land. Her subjects, taking her lead, all greeted me with little baby smiles. I, in turn, said hello back to each of them.

It was pretty cute. Honestly, I think that this girl's mother must style her hair to get it to look that good. It looked like it was hairsprayed in place. And this girl is, at the most, 18 months old. I see beauty pageants and homecoming queen crowns in this girl's future. But for the moment, she'll have to just reign over the infant room.

P.S. Do you think my husband would kill me if I dressed my son in this? How about this? (Can you believe that is so popular, it's out of stock?)

My honest-to-God favorite is this one. I would never spend that much money on a Halloween costume. But ...

Grandma would.

So I e-mailed it to my mom.

Tuesday, September 13

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
What else does one do when one has a newborn baby attached to them pretty much 24/7? Watch lots and lots of TV. And so, I present a summary of what rotted my brain over the past two months ...

Kill Reality
FAMEWHORE ALERT! The premise: get a bunch of famewhore wannabe actors together (think: Trashelle) and shoot a really crappy horror movie. Film the ensuing hijinks.

Does Johnny Fairplay answer his own questions?
Is it annoying?
Is he more of an unlikeable person in this show than on Survivor?
Roger that.

Battle of the Network Reality Stars
FAMEWHORE ALERT, PART DEUX! A competition which pits famewhores against one another? Then it’s a sure bet that Mike “The Miz” and Coral are going to be there. Trashelle manages to eke her way onto this show, as well, as do some other perennial famewhore favorites, such as Mike “Boogie” Malin and Richard Hatch.

Highlight: Joe Schmo (aka Matt Kennedy Gould) is on the show, which prompts my husband to imitate his whining, “Whaaat is gooooing oooon heeeeere?” a la the “big reveal” at the end of the Joe Schmo show. I just think it’s funny.

Oh yeah. And the Wills from Big Brother are both on. (Dr. Evil and Nurse Gay).


Big Brother 6
Why am I still watching this show? It pretty much ended for me when Kaysar was voted off – again. I’m rooting for Janelle but it’s obvious that some other nimrod is going to win. Shallow, callous biotches are left on the show and I could care less. But I DVR’ed the entire series, so I’m sticking with it.

Being Bobby Brown
This is a recent discovery of mine. How could I not have watched this sooner? It is FREAKING HILARIOUS. Oh, Bobby and Whitney. They are teh funny.

Celebrity Fit Club
A bunch of overweight D-listers (see also: Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List) trying to get in shape. The biggest star is probably… oh hell, they’re all has beens.
You’ve got: Willie Aames, most famous for being on Eight is Enough, Charles in Charge, Bible Man (a super hero with a cape and everything), and … lots and lots of drugs. Victoria Jackson, who used to be on SNL when it was still good. Jackee, who was on the show 227, which I used to watch, naturally. Phil Margera, whose son Bam is a Jackass. Toccara, a plus-size model from the show America’s Top Model. Jani Lane, of the hair band Warrant, who at the beginning of the show was about one fifth of vodka away from death’s door. And, also, a man by the name of Gary Busey. I recognize him although I couldn’t tell you a single movie he was in, but I can tell you that he has definitely communed with visitors from outer space.

Surreal Life
Has Vh-1 cornered the market on has-beens? (Well, no. See also: Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List) In this house, we have Omarosa (won’t she go away already?); Pepa, minus the Salt, of Salt-n-Pepa; Carey Hart, who is apparently a motocross dude who also dates Pink; Bronson Pinchot, better known as Balki Bartokomus from the 80’s series Perfect Strangers; “international model” Caprice, who I’ve never heard of; Jose Canseco, who, forgive me, but I actually like and want to read his book; and total psychopath Janice Dickinson, whose claim to fame was that she was the first supermodel. She can also claim that she and Gary Busey have probably gone bowling together on Jupiter.

What makes this season of the Surreal Life great is the constant catfights between Omarosa and Janice. It’s great.

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
I’ve never thought she was funny, actually she annoys me. Yet this has ended up on my DVR list, too. Like I said, at 3 a.m., when you’ve got a baby to feed, you’d probably watch this show too.

And if I ran out of things to watch, there was always an episode of Law and Order on. Or the Fresh Prince. I wasn't picky.
I'm back at work.
IBL is already asking me when I'm going to do an ad that is due October 1.

Tuesday, September 6

Calling all techies
Where should I go to find a host for a free web site? Is there anywhere other than GeoShitties? Does anyone know of any good web hosting places? Let me know.

P.S. I am listening to the song "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey and I am not ashamed to admit it.

Friday, September 2

For as difficult a time as my husband and I had coming up with our baby's name, you'd think we'd use it every once in a while.

However, I can count on one hand how many times I have called my son "Daniel" when addressing him. Unfortunately, he has been born to the queen of nicknames. Just ask anyone I went to high school or college with; I love to come up with alternative names for people.

I'm starting to worry that my poor son isn't going to know his real name, given the host of aliases that he has already been given. Here is a brief rundown of the names he is called:

The Crankster. This was a nickname given early on, to refer to his alter-ego, the one who screams non-stop.

This evolved into Crankster McBanks. Which then got shortened to McBanks. And then that became a verb to describe the act of screaming non-stop. "Do I hear him McBanking?"

That has recently gotten shortened even further into C's McB's. Or, alternately, just plain McB's.

Other variations include Mister McBanks, and McBank-a-dank's.

But that's not where the nicknames end. I'll call him anything that comes into my head, which includes but is not limited to: Buddy, Champ, Slim, Chief, Captain (but NEVER Cappy), Monkey, Frog, Bird, Cutie Pie, Sweetie Pie, Baby Boy, Little Man, etc.

My poor child is going to grow up confuzzled.