Tuesday, May 30

The rules of Cleveland sports
In my 30 years of living in or near Cleveland, I've come to learn that there are a few things you can count on while rooting for the city's sports teams.

1. Just when you think they're going to be good... they suck.
Case in point: the Indians were supposed to have a good year this year. And they're totally not. We either have good pitching and no hitting, or good hitting and no pitching. We can't get that pitching/hitting combo that would make us the team to beat in the AL Central. Instead, we're chasing Detroit and Chicago. No offense to you, GT, but Detroit is that one team that we're always able to say, "Well, at least we're better than Detroit!" and we can't even do that this year.

2. Just when you've given up hope, they start doing good.
Case in point: Sunday's Indians game. When we saw the pitching matchup (Detroit's Kenny Rogers, who the Indians never have done well against, vs. our Jason Johnson, who, let's be honest here, my grandma could hit), I said to my husband, "That's a guaranteed loss." So what happened? We won, 9-0.

3. They'll only be good enough to build up your hopes only to have them dashed in heartbreaking fashion.
Case in point: the Cavaliers in the playoffs. No one thought we'd even win one game against the Pistons (again with Detroit!) and we took it to game seven. Sure, we got killed in game seven, but who thought we'd even be there!

4. Cleveland is the new Detroit.

Thursday, May 25

Idiot alert #748
This morning I e-mailed one of the VP's in our company a PDF proof of a flyer that I downloaded from one of our partner companies' sites, and basically it was a template that I just needed to add our logo and contact info to. No biggie, right? I slap the company logo on there and e-mail it for approval. I get an e-mail back from her which says, "I don't see the [vendor] logo on there."

Now call me stupid, but when someone says "I don't see the logo", I'm thinking, oh crap, something is wrong with my Acrobat Distiller, that it has taken this logo and banished it to the far reaches of the earth. And that happened to me yesterday, where I created a PDF and a huge graphic disappeared, for no apparent reason at all. So I was thinking that this happened again, even though when I opened the PDF, I could see the logo in question, plain as day.

So I wrack my brain and decide to open the PDF in Photoshop, convert it to a TIF, bring the TIF into InDesign, and then convert it once again to a PDF. That way there would be No Logo Left Behind. I e-mail it to her again and say, "Can you see the logo this time?"

She writes back, "I still don't see it on there."

OK, so by now, I'm one nanosecond away from calling the techies in to examine my computer. But I decide to call the VP instead.

"So you can't see the logo?" I ask. "This is really weird, because I can see it on my screen."

Well, it turns out that there are two versions of the vendor's logo, and she wanted the other one on there. But instead of saying, "Can you put Logo B on there instead of Logo A?" she wasted two hours of my day by making me think that a logo was turning invisible.

Say it with me. Mor-RON!

Wednesday, May 24

Soul patr-pfffft!
I'm sorry, was that DAVID HASSELHOFF in the audience... CRYING???
Right up until then, my favorite moment was Covais doing Tom Jones.

Tuesday, May 23

American Idol finale checklist drinking game
  • Strategically-placed b-list celebs in audience
  • Idol rejects in audience looking happy to be sitting where they're sitting
  • Gratuitous use of gospel choir
  • Horribly-written, cheese factor singles with predictable key changes
  • Footage of parents, auditions
  • Special surprise guest
Feel free to add any I've forgotten.

Friday, May 19

I think I just peed myself
If you haven't seen the video of the Evolution of Dance, do yourself a favor and go here. This is one of the single most funny things I think I have ever seen.

Wednesday, May 17

From the IBL files
It's been a while since I have posted about Incompetent but Likeable. Believe me, there's been plenty of blog fodder. Yesterday, for instance, he came over on at least three separate occasions to ask me how to use the office's digital camera. Prior to handing it over to him the first time, which I did begrudgingly, I set it up so that all he had to do was remember how to turn it on and remember which button to press to take a picture.

However, being who he is, he turned dials and flipped switches and had it all discombobulated. So I reset it and gave it back to him with the express instruction not to touch anything.

He managed to snap this lovely photo of me in my cube while I was giving him the camera tutorial. The reason why it looks like I'm a squirrel storing nuts for the winter is because I'm eating a jawbreaker. You can see my cube as well and I think I've managed to blur out any company logos that may have appeared...

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Immediately after, while walking away, he managed to snap this beauty.
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Monday, May 15

And this is why I don't smoke anymore
I just ate an entire pack of candy cigarettes in like, under two minutes.
Because I have a meeting coming in any time now. That's why. God forbid I should leave that task undone before my meeting starts.
The tribe has spoken
OK, so my least favorite Survivor season to date is over, and Aras won. The finale was disappointing, in the respect that no one really hated anyone's guts at the end of the show, which always makes for better television than the "sea of forgiveness" that was shown last night. However, Shane, hands down, has the best facial expressions, EVER. Maybe because he's crayzay.

One thing I've always wondered... at the last Tribal Council, after Jeff Probst absconds with the votes and is helicoptered out of Dodge (cue montage of Jeff doing mi:iii type maneuvers to get to Madison Square Garden -- I'm always disappointed when they don't have him doing this), then what happens? Are they just like, ok, go home? After what I am sure is a very stressful night for the two finalists, for it to end so abruptly, just seems strange. I don't know.

In other news: June 21.

Friday, May 12

Not fair
Survivor ended in a cliffhanger last night. Who's going home?
I guess we'll have to wait til Sunday. Unless you believe the rumor about who wins, allegedly.
I think Terry should win, but won't.

Wednesday, May 10

Double Bleh
Who said "stomach virus"? Damn them!
Riiiiiight. It was me.

So I came home from work a little early today...

That's OK. When forced to make a decision between having a stomach virus and watching that Journey video from a couple of posts ago, it would be a close match, but I'd still choose a stomach virus.

Not to mention, for a few brief hours this morning I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was pregnant again. And I was all McCaulay Culkin, face close up, huge scream, but just silent inside my head.

I'm 99.999999999% sure I'm not. But that would be very Britney Spears of me, wouldn't it?
I'm fairly certain that Airborne, the orange flavor, is one of the most vile substances that I voluntarily put into my body. I had a nice tall glass of it this morning, because it's my turn to nurture the family cold. I've been on deck for about a week and I am finally at the plate. The plan is then to pass it to my husband, who keeps it for a week or two, and then back to the baby, who prepares it for me. Throw in a stomach virus every once in a while, and there go the rest of my PTO and vacation days for the year.

Tuesday, May 9

Kentucky Fried Me
In my effort to get a tan this summer that does not come from a bottle, or from a bed, I ate lunch outside today. As a result, my face and one arm is burnt. I'm foxy.
Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP
I'm pretty sure this is one of the levels of Dante's Inferno. I lasted maybe 20 seconds into the performance before I had to run screeching from the computer screen.

I'll take Gordon Lightfoot coming out of Bad Lady's radio ANY DAY.
The Joel
So, more on Doodle's obsession with Joel McHale...
We were watching "The Soup" again last night, and playing on the floor with the kajillions of noise-making and LCD-happy toys that we have amassed in his 9 1/2 short months on this planet. Every so often, Doodle would look up at the TV and see Joel and just crack up. And Joel wasn't being particularly funny at these moments. Joel was just talking. So, you tell me... what is it with Joel that Doodle loves so much? (Seen here with Lou the dog)

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Saturday, May 6

Cute little fart
I was at the post office with Doodle this morning, and in front of us in line were a little girl with her dad. I'm going to ballpark her age at about 3 or 4 years old. There was a poster on the wall with some of the new stamps available. The first stamp was a female author whose name escapes me, and the third stamp down was a famous landmark or castle of some sort.

"Dad, is that Cinderella?" the girl asked, pointing to the author's picture.
"No," he said.
"Who is it?"
"I don't know."

Then, she pointed to the castle. "Is Cinderella in that castle?"
"No," her dad said.
"It's not Disney World?"

She turned and saw Doodle then. "Hi baby!" she squealed, coming close to Doodle's car seat and peering in at him. She waved to him and Doodle smiled at her and kind of waved back.

"Can you high five, baby?" She asked, and high fived his little hand.
He smiled and made a noise back at her.

"You're cute, baby," she said.
"Are you flirtin'?" I asked Doodle. "You little flirt!"
"Yeah, you cute little fart," the girl said to Doodle. "He's a cute little fart."
"Yes he is," I said.

Then she waved goodbye to him when her dad finished at the post office counter, but would not leave until we left. I guess my Cute Little Fart has that effect on women.

Thursday, May 4

Every day, we're a-gettin' closer...
This is an exciting time in the life of The Doodler. He is making that transformation from baby to toddler ever-so-slowly, but with marked progress. Here are a few examples...

In the category of Things Which Doodle Can Do That Doodle Didn't Do Before:
  1. This morning, I went to get him out of his crib, and he was sitting up. Curious. And also, HOLY SHIT. I'm not ready for this.
  2. He is beginning to respond in conversations, or at least, in my mind he is. For instance, I asked him today if he wanted a bottle, and he said "mum mum." Then I repeatedly said "ma ma" to him, which probably annoyed him as much as I think it did, and he repeated "buh buh" back to me. So, we're getting there.

In the category of Images on the Television Which Doodle Enjoys:

  1. Elmo (gah!!!!)
  2. Jeff Probst (mmm hmm)
  3. Joel McHale (host of E!'s "The Soup") - we have concluded that Doodle thinks that it's his dad because they kinda, sorta, in a squinted-eye kind of way look alike

In the category of New Things Which Doodle Eats:

  1. Graham crackers
  2. Gerber Puffs (actually I eat these too. You wouldn't think that a sweet potato puff would be good, but, it is surprisingly tasty.)

In the category of Needs Improvement:

  1. Sleeping. We still wake up several times during the night, and for the past 3 nights in a row, he's woken up around 1 a.m. rarin' to go. I haven't seen Conan O'Brien so much since I was in college.
  2. Did I mention sleeping?

As a small aside, the Cavs eked out a win last night in overtime. I cannot take the nailbiter games.

Wednesday, May 3

Attention OU Alums
I just put a fraud alert on my credit due to this. Hopefully nothing will happen, but, you just never know. Not that anyone wants my shitty credit. I'm just sayin'.

If you are an OU alum, it's worth checking out.