Thursday, April 23

Quick poll

If you had a co-worker whose personal cell phone went off, I'm not exaggerating, 30-40 times a day (and that's just when I'm counting), would you:

A) Politely ask them to set their phone to "vibrate"
B) Ask HR to politely ask them to set their phone to "vibrate"
C) Wait until they go to the restroom and destroy the phone with a jackhammer

NOTE: The phone went off twice while typing this poll. And no, it's not Bad Lady's phone.

Monday, April 20

Jack Bauer to the rescue (a work in progress)

This past weeks’ pirate situation off the coast of Somalia had me thinking: if they just had Jack Bauer with them, the whole thing would have been wrapped up in a matter of a couple of hours, tops – with some side plots thrown in, too.

How would Jack Bauer be able to invervene and save the day during a pirate crisis off the coast of Africa? Any of these scenarios seem entirely plausible:

1) A mysterious man (Jack Bauer) has been on board the cargo ship, keeping to himself and staying in his cabin. He is being transported to Africa for an unknown mission, and the crew members know better than to ask. Once the pirates seize the boat, Jack springs into action from inside the boat.

2) Jack is helicoptered to the scene (because he just happens to be in Somalia), rappelling onto the lifeboat (miraculously avoiding heavy gunfire), and taking out all the pirates.

3) Jack arrives on-scene via submarine.

This got me thinking: what other situations could use a little Jack Bauer?

SCENE: an office. Woman (played by me – hey, it’s my skit) is standing by copy machine. Paper goes in and does not come out.

WOMAN: Can someone help me fix this paper jam? I have a presentation in ten minutes and I need to make these copies!

JACK BAUER emerges from a cubicle.

JACK: I’ve downloaded a schematic of the copy machine onto my PDA. According to this, the paper jam should be located in the alpha quadrant, right below drawer B.

The PDA starts beeping as if an alarm is going off.

JACK: It looks like someone has been tampering with this machine.

OTHER CO-WORKER walks past the copy machine. JACK slams him against the wall while gripping his shirt collar.


OTHER CO-WORKER: (crying) I don’t know! I don’t know, Jack! It wasn’t me!

JACK: (takes a pen out of his pocket and holds it menacingly at the man’s throat) Come on! I saw you over here five minutes ago! You know something!
OTHER CO-WORKER: I swear I don’t, Jack … don’t make me call HR again!

JACK: Listen, we have TEN MINUTES to get this paper jam out of the copier. So you’re going to do what I say … NOW!

JACK releases his grip on OTHER CO-WORKER, who recoils from JACK. While this confrontation has been going on, WOMAN has moved between the two men and calmly opens up a side drawer on the copy machine, sees the rogue piece of paper, and delicately removes it. JACK’s PDA blips to inform him that the paper jam is now removed. OTHER CO-WORKER exits to the right, quickly.

WOMAN: Thanks for your help, Jack.

JACK: Any time.

OTHER CO-WORKER is seen at desk, composing an email.

OTHER CO-WORKER (to himself): This isn't over, Bauer! This is the last time you're going to bully me around this office!

Familiar "24" clock ticks, signifying commercial break.

Monday, April 13

A grey matter
Because I often like to post my facebook/Twitter status as a song lyric, I was looking up the lyrics to Seal's "Kiss From A Rose" before posting today. I wanted to make sure I had the exact wording, because GOD FORBID I get it wrong.

No, not THAT seal.

So you know when you realize you've been wrong all these years about a favored lyric? How it totally changes the song for you? You know, "Excuse me while I kiss this guy" ... oops!

Did you know that Seal compares you to a kiss from a rose ON THE GREY?

I always thought it was "on the grave." It made sense to me. Like a rose that has been left on a grave. It's a beautiful rememberance of someone who isn't there anymore. I don't know. It worked.

What the hell is a rose on the grey? Further, what is the grey?
Like, grey matter of your brain?

Friday, April 10

The Pocket Sniffer

Dear Pre-School: let this be a lesson to you -- never, NEVER, under any circumstances, schedule school picture day on the same day my child is slated to go swimming.

Picture Day was a couple of weeks ago. Mistake #1 was mine. I had a nice sweater and khakis picked out for him to wear. But I gave him the option of wearing his "outfit" -- seen below -- a blue and black track suit and hoodie. Which do you think he chose? I decided not to push it. After all, the "outfit" is a good representation of who he is right now, at this moment, at this age, and several years from now, I will be glad I let him make that choice.


He also left the house wearing his red "Lightning McQueen" ballcap, as he is wont to do on many days, particularly if it's raining (because god forbid he get rained on -- the horror!) No big deal. He usually takes it off when he gets to school, and puts it in his cubby.

The rest of the story goes:

That morning, as happens on every morning, the pre-school teacher got the kids ready to go swimming. They all got their suits on and were ready to head to the pool. The director of the school came and said that the photographer was ready for the pre-school group, so anyone taking pictures had to get re-dressed and come with her.

Now, you have to understand that Doodle LIVES for swimming. He goes Monday and Wednesday, and on those mornings, the first words out of his mouth when he wakes up are usually, "Mommy guess what? I go swimming today!" So, this was about the point where Doodle went batshit crazy. Amidst tears, he got dressed again and insisted on the Lightning McQueen hat. No amount of bargaining could convince him to take it off -- the school director said she tried.

But even after what was deemed a king-sized meltdown by all parties present, Doodle managed to take a pretty cute picture. See for yourself. I think this is going to be one of my favorites when I look back on them after he has grown up. This is my little man, with a sparkle in his eye, still able to muster a smile after being denied one of his favorite activities.

Note: That afternoon, when asked about picture day, Doodle also said he didn't like the bunny, because it kept "sniffing his pocket." The bunny in question is the black one. No word on what was in his pocket.

Wednesday, April 8

I got the diabeetus

Last week was my 28 week glucose test. The results came back and my sugar was at 201. It should be around 100. Yep, I got the diabeetus again. Last time I was pregnant, they diagnosed me with gestational diabetes around week 11 or 12, with my initial blood test. This time around, I thought I was in the clear. Everything was coming back normal. But then I drank that damn orange pop and here I am, on serious carb withdrawal.

This is the second day of my diabetic diet, and let me just say, IT SUCKS!!!!!! Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. I've always been a "want what I can't have" kind of girl, and let's just say that I never met a bag of potato chips that I didn't like. And I've been indulging myself with candy and ice cream during this pregnancy because I've basically felt like dog crap the entire six months so far. Somehow, gnawing on a celery stalk just doesn't have the same theraputic effect.

But I will sacrifice my sugar and carbs for the good of this baby. And I figure this gives me plenty of ammo right off the bat for when he's older and I get to infuse some mom-style guilt onto him. Right after I finish off a pint of Ben & Jerry's.