Speaking of Survivor...
Last night's episode contained possibly the best Survivor quote, ever. That honor goes to Big Tom Buchanan, and I'm going to try and translate from hillbilly speak to the king's English... aw hell, I'll just leave it in hillbilly speak...

"I was hopin' it was gun be 'is mother... er... the neighbor's ... sister..."
-Tom on winning the reward challenge, which allowed his son Bucky Bo to spend the night at the Chapera swanked-up camp and go on a massive drinking and pizza eating binge.

Betwitched
Yes, I think it's fairly safe to say that the eye twitch is back, it's kicking ass and taking names. Oh, I feel so freaky. I can't look at anyone in the eye, because I'm afraid that my scary eye malfunction will scare them away.

"Did you see that weird eye twitching girl? What's the deal with her eye? I mean, it just... twitches!" [/jerry seinfeld voice]

I'm sitting on the couch, watching Survivor last night, and my eye is just twitching like there's no tomorrow. My husband tells me to stop stressing out. But I'm watching Survivor. On the couch. I'm not stressing. I know who's getting voted off. I know who wins reward. I know that Jeff Probst is going to say "the tribe has spoken." Right now my life is good.

This morning I thought the twitch was gone, but as I'm getting closer and closer to my place of employment, the twitching gets more intense. It feels like popcorn is popping inside my eyelid.

That's why I'm declaring today to be Dress Like a Pirate at Work Day. That way, if I wear an eyepatch, I won't feel like I should go live on an island with other freaky weird twitchy people and talk about twitchy things and eat twitchy foods and watch twitchy television.

Yes, I'll have the burger... without the bun... or the meat...
Today's post is brought to you by the Center for Eye Twitch Research.

I admit, this week, my brain has been operating at minimal capacity. (Insert your cutting insult about my general intelligence here.) So instead of bursting with ideas for posts, I have been struggling with the blogging this week. Big time.

So today I have stolen an idea from someone. That person has a blog that I started reading via Freeepeace, who I started reading via Grace. See how that works? It's like 6 degrees of blog separation. Annnnyway... He wrote today about vegetarians, who personally, I have nothing against. Two of my college roommates were vegans, which is a zealous offshoot of vegetarianism.

I just could never do it. I love meat. Delicious meat. Burgers on the grill, man, you can't beat it. I love chicken. Fried, baked, breaded, grilled, nuggeted, shredded, just not in a can, please. That stuff is heinous.

Plus, I've tasted veggie burgers, and that shit is repellant. I have huge issues with food consistency, and veggie burgers just have a weird consistency. Certain food textures skeeve me out. For instance, tomato skin. Don't ask me why -- but I cannot swallow a raw tomato if the skin is on it. It's physically impossible. I once tried duck and the texture was too much for me to handle. Certain kinds of mushrooms are too slippery. I can't even look at a piece of fish without my gag reflex kicking in.

OK, too much information, I guess. Sorry about that.

This is not a spoiler
All I'm going to say about Survivor tonight is that Big Tom has a son who goes by the name of Bucky Bo. I think.
As to who goes, I won't say because I know it infuriates some of you. But come on, let's think about it for a minute. Would it really be spoiiliing anythiing to say who iis goiing toniight?

Ii diidn't thiink so.

I pulled an IBL
We've had a bit of a stressful morning here at the office. We found out that one of our coworkers has to go on at least two weeks of bed rest due to high blood pressure, which is affecting her pregnancy. She may even have to go on bedrest for the rest of her pregnancy (end of July is her due date).

So anyway, after all of her jobs were divvied up, I was talking with a coworker about how pleasant it's been to work here in the past few weeks and how the excitement never stops, and then I walked back to my desk and, out loud, sang a little "La La."

That's when I realized, I had become Incompetent But Likeable. That's his M.O. He constantly walks around going "Bum bum bum bum," and "Ba ba ba ba ba" and "Dum de dum de dum."

So I was smiling to myself about it when speak of the devil, IBL comes rambling out of his cube and asks me what I'm smiling about. "Oh, nothing," I say. I can't exactly share it with him.

Yeah. So everything's peachy here, I'm turning into IBL, my eye is twitching, and the best part? My boss doesn't know yet about the coworker. In T minus 45 minutes he'll be back in the office, and I guarantee, he will flip his motherlovin' lid. Stay tuned folks!

America put down the crack pipe
And voted out the correct person. John Stevens looked like he'd had enough, the poor little guy. Buck up, little camper, you've got a bright future ahead of you. It might be a future of being the lounge act at the Binion's Horseshoe casino, but hey, someone's gotta do it, right?

Now, a bit of admonishment for the still-alive contestants. First, a slap on the wrist for Fantasia. STOP with the crocodile tears! Are you telling me that when this is over, you're going to hang out with John? Wrong. No one's buying it. You want the votes, that's it.

Second, George. George, George, George. You make weird faces, and you need to stop. Your "sad" face, your "surprised" face, your "nervous" face... cease and desist. Penalty: the voteoff. It's comin' for you, George, it knows where you live.

Diana: I'm with Simon, that "car wash" dress was a train wreck. I kept watching the flaps sway back and forth, back and forth, and was hoping we weren't going to get a full frontal flash. Too much skin for a 16 year old to be showing anyway. And also, please, during big band week, don't do a song that has the words "Boogie" or "Woogie" in the title. That's all I'm sayin'.

And, this "group A" and "group B" crap? It's crap.

I've been googled
Thanks to Grace, I found my entertainment for the day: Googlism.

I did "Kathy" but that list was too long to share. Then I did "Kat" and here are the fun answers it gave me. Note the German ones, which are the best. I have outlined my favorites in blue. Too bad I have no clue what they say. Anyone know their Deutsch?

kat is onzindelijk met ontlasting
kat is opgehaald?
kat is not happy
kat is de tijger
kat is
kat is where its at
kat is a brat
kat is weggelopen
kat is furious
kat is daydreaming' by murray perry
kat is my religion
kat is drowning cowboys
kat is you around??? iz left ya a masage at da talk bawd
kat is walking towards me
kat is blah blah blah
kat is weird
kat is erg schrikachtig
kat is te dik
kat is de
kat is back
kat is alweer zwaarder
kat is drawing cowboys
kat is back posted on saturday
kat is you around??? iz left ya a masage at da talk bawd ok???? mg
kat is the only musician taking authentic classical music scores
kat is the only genius since beethoven to systematically resurrect classical music and bring it to the moron masses and
kat is ancient
kat is currently looking at
kat is moving on in her life
kat is a richly yellow wine quite distinguished by its unmistakable muscat aroma
kat is still around
kat is looking for work
kat is what's for dinner tonight posts
kat is telling her
kat is very unstable after telling zoe she is her mother
kat is ready to work
kat is obsessed with taking tests
kat is very shy and talks very little
kat is a juilliard music school graduate on the violin and i studied theory
kat is one feisty
kat is for ornament
kat is much funnier with her running commentary
kat is directed by ann rappoport
kat is to operate a comprehensive transportation system with a professional work force that provides efficient
kat is a neighborhood shuttle service operating during the evenings and sunday when the night rider/sunday rider service runs
kat is het ideale gezelschapsdier
kat is really her mum
kat is hit in the leg while bringing food
kat is now on a path to take classical music into the 21st century with metal through the use of midi instruments
kat is the reincarnation of beethoven and is changing the face of classical music by bringing it to the masses using metal
kat is my open honest sweet secret soul girlboy woman
kat is like me first marriage
kat is a surefire winner
kat is kids and technology
kat is here
kat is god
kat is always worth listening to
kat is being written in the object
kat is hard to measure
kat is more your type
kat is niet ouder dan 10 jaar
kat is een idealist
kat is being introduced to her new classmates
kat is meer gehecht aan het huis dan aan z'n baasje"
kat is besmettelijk voor andere katten en mag daarom niet naar buiten
kat is a juilliard graduate violin virtuoso
kat is the brown
kat is a very smart kat
kat is ready to strike terror into the eyes and ears of all
kat is veel duidelijker te zien hoe het dier is uitgegroeid en hoe het karakter van de kat is
kat is 150 gram by weight and she is yelling much louder than i
kat is the world's fastest cyberspeed guitarist
kat is from the real world's fourth season
kat is vooral bij de eerste generatie
kat is a sophisticated yet comfortable lounge offering elegant dining
kat is giving heavy metal a new face
kat is minimaal 14 jaar
kat is onzindelijk
kat is the bestselling author of twenty
kat is doing with her symphonic speed music then go listen to the genius masterpieces first
kat is a juilliard school of music graduate violin virtuoso
kat is probably the most inventive
kat is in lock mode this is in quad cell units
kat is wounded near the end

Don't blame me, I voted for LaToya
Tonight I actually voted for an American Idol contestant. This is not the first time, either. It's the first time this season, though. Last season, I admit, I voted for Clay and Ruben.

Last night I got through three times to vote for LaToya. I think she is the best singer in the competition, and if for some odd reason she gets sent home, it will be a huge travesty.

I taped tonight's show and watched it afterward, which made for much less painful viewing. Acts such as Fantasia, John and Diana were enjoyed on fast forward, no sound. It was better that way. George even got a little FF when he started going off-key (read: right away).

I'll miss the results tomorrow night but I trust someone will fill me in on the goings on?

Perspective
I had been getting myself worked up this morning. I was pissed, I didn't want to be here, I felt that everything here was bass-ackwards and that I was fed up.

OK, well, I am still all of those things.

But I was standing by the printer, smoke coming out of my ears, when Incompetent But Likeable strolled into the copy room. He asked, "What's the matter, Bunky?" And I told him that I was just frustrated and gave him a little bit of detail as to why.

He said to me, "You want to know why I'm in such a good mood today?"
"Why," I asked.
"Because I'm frustrated too for some of the same reasons and I figured there's no sense in getting worked up about it like I did last week. It's not worth it. So I figured I'd just throw it in their face and be happy."

And that's why he gets the "but Likeable" moniker. It snapped me out of my funk. He's right. There's nothing here that's worth me getting myself pissed about. It's a job. That doesn't mean that I like it, but things could be worse. Right?

Help
There comes a point during each work day where my eyes feel as though they are going to bug out of my head, that if I click on "Internet Explorer" one more time I'll shoot myself, and that mybrainisgoingtoexplode and my friends that point is now.

Can I get a witness?
While I go through my semi-annual crisis of wanting to change careers, quit my job, move to California, or just become a blackjack dealer in Vegas, I have decided that it would be cool to be the world's leading expert on some random thing. You know, the ancient relic they drag out of his/her coffin whenever they need someone to give an opinion on the Battle of Little Big Horn. That kind of deal.

So far, these are the topics I know a lot about:
1. Reality Television
2. 80's music

So I'm thinking I could make myself out to be an expert on one of those topics. Maybe write a book or something. I think if you write a book, you immediately become an expert. I could score some gigs on Vh-1, maybe get to meet Jeff Probst, something like that.

Home improvement

Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
College Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

-Will Farrell's character from the movie "Old School"

Yes, it's sad when our big plan for the day involves going to look at some paint swatches, gardening items and such. But this is my big excitement. We need to find some edging for our vegetable garden; and I heard my husband say earlier, "I wish it would stop raining. All I want to do is cut the grass."

Is something wrong with us or what?

Oh baby
With a year of marriage successfully under our belts, the question in most of our family's minds has begun to surface and rear its ugly little fricking head:

When will you two be having a baby?

Or, if you're my mom, the question is:

When will I have a grandchild that's not a cat???

Well, mom, I can tell you this: we are discussing the possibility of getting a dog, so your wait may not be too long.

Ahem. The baby thing.

It's on my mind, certainly, as a lot of people at work are "in the family way." And who knows, it may happen soon, although we aren't planning on it.

My grandmother has had a baby outfit in her possession for two years, and is waiting for either my cousin or myself to give birth to the first great-grandchild, and it's also in her will that the first of us to birth the first great-grandchild shall be bequeathed said baby outfit. She brings it up at each family occasion. My cousin is younger than I, and although she is dating someone seriously, there are no plans for marriage or children as far as I know. So the heat is on me, and me alone.

There are many concerns to be weighed. The financial issue is a biggie. The bottom line: we ain't got no money. Second, what would we do about day care? Third, what kind of raving bitch will I be once I have had no sleep in weeks? Fourth, what if my child turns into a punk? I saw some kids today at the baseball game who utterly frightened me. There was a boy, he had to have been no older than 8, wearing a chain around his neck and an Eminem concert tee-shirt. He also happened to look exactly like Eminem. I don't want this to happen to my child!

So the answer is, I'm not sure. When it happens, I'll be happy, but please, mom, grandma, everyone, don't start knitting booties yet.

I'll take a pooper scooper though, if you've got one.

Truly disappointing
Man, I had me a hankerin' for some Doritos today. My lunch was less than satisfying. Recently I've been having a hard time eating bread. I'm not watching carbs or anything, but occasionally I'll bite into a sandwich and hardly be able to choke down the first bite of bread. Today I just took the meat out of my sandwich and ate that. Which was not exactly filling.

So I ventured down to the vending machine. I've had various run-ins with this machine, including last week when it mercilessly ate $1.25 in change as I attempted to purchase something that was right above something that somebody else tried to purchase prior to me, which had not completely fallen out of its slot. The item I attempted to purchase (I believe it was "Cheetos") then fell on top of aforementioned other item, and neither came out. So then I attempted to purchase the "other" item, which I think was some kind of potato chip, and that didn't budge.

But I digress. This time the machine was a vast wasteland. The only thing in the entire machine was some kind of bear claw hideous thing. Not a chip, Frito, Cheeto, Dorito or Muncho to be found. Not even a Funyun. No Famous Amos cookies.

*sigh*

Now I'm going to have to eat stale pretzels out of my barrel.

And, the eye twitch is back!

The Saga of the Tiburon, or, Please Stop Parking Like a Jackass

UPDATED

The latest drama surrounding the workplace revolves around our parking lot. We are fortunate enough to work in an area where parking is free. We have a nice big lot, but lately, it's been filling up. If you are late (as I am EVERY DAY), you end up parking so far away, you could hop on the bus and get a ride to the front of the building.

Within the past week, this Hyundai Tiburon (which is Japanese for "really crappy sports car") has been parking diagonally across two spots. It's obnoxious. So yesterday a couple of people parked diagonally next to it, thinking that maybe that would get the point across. And last night my coworkers held a "stake out" to see who the driver was. I don't think they recognized the person.

This morning, there it was again, taking up two spots, not even close to being parked straight.

So one of my coworkers parked behind it. Just pulled right up and parallel parked behind that car. So I'm thinking around lunch time, this is going to blow up. Or when the police tow her car away. Either way, it's not going to be pretty.

I'm thinking a much more effective way to deal with the problem would be to leave a note under the windshield wiper that says something like, "Hey moron, stop parking like a jackass, mmmkay? Signed, Everyone else who parks here."

Update: My coworker called the building maintainence office just to make them aware of the situation. She also called the police to make sure it was OK that she was parked like that. They suggested that she move. When she got down there, there was a crowd outside smoking, all talking about it.

The Tiburon owner's boss was among them, and she apologized to my co-worker. She said she had already discussed the parking situation with her employee and that the car would be moved. Apparently she didn't want "dinged." There are Lexus and Mercedes and BMW's in this parking lot, and you don't see them parking like idiots.

So that's the long and short of it.

Jigga wha???
Please tell me that the episode of American Idol that I just witnessed was a belated April Fool. The bottom three were the three best singers in the whole group? (OK, I can't stand Fantasia, but she's got pipes, I'll admit.)

And the top vote getters were the pathetic John Stevens, Jazz and Diana DeGagMe?

Ha ha. Very funny. Now show us the real results show.

Deader than dead
It has been so quiet and boring here today. Which I guess is good. But man, has the day been dragging! I've been working on the same thing all day, and toggling between that project and the Internet. A couple of times today I've clicked on Internet Explorer, had the Msn.com home page come up, realize that I just did this exact same thing less than a minute ago, and click off of it. Bad.

My boss was here for a grand total of maybe an hour today. I can't begrudge him that. The man just became a grandfather yesterday for the first time. To a nine-pound baby boy. NINE POUNDS. His daughter in law is tiny. I don't know how it was physically possible for her to deliver that bowling ball of a child, but I cringe to think of it. Hearing these stories make me want to maybe NEVER have children. Or adopt. The birthing process, it is skeery.

Tonight we have to do all the preparations for our trip. We're renting a car, so we have to square that away. We have to make hotel reservations. We have to empty out our change jar for gambling money.

Only one more day of work after this! Holla.

Annoyingest of the Annoying
Please, someone, explain me this:
Other Side of the Cubicle Mate Who Does Not Have a Nickname is usually pretty personable, but she is always. on. the phone. Worse than Bad Lady, I dare say. Her calls are mostly business, but it's constant noise.

Here's what I need an explanation for. When she is punching in the numbers to make the call, she puts the phone on speaker. So then I get to hear the boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop of the dialing, THEN the ringing, THEN the on-hold music... why can't she just pick up her phone? She's not moving around, she's just sitting at her desk. How hard is it to pick up the headset?

Grr. I am sandwiched between a rock and a hard place in cubie-land.

Other cubie-land goings on: Incompetent but Likeable has blown a gasket. Apparently he had some actual work to do, on a deadline, and this sent him over the edge. On Monday, one of our managers was loose in the department, and passed IBL in the aisle between the cubes, and said, "Hello [IBL], how are you?" And IBL responded, "Oh, just fucking wonderful." And kept walking along his merry little way. I have only heard him swear one other time and it was the word "damn."

So we're on high alert for a postal moment. If I don't post for several hours, send a search party.

Best of the best
LeBron rules. But you knew that already, right?

Even more worser than worst
... Was last night's Indians game. They lost 15-5. We got soaked, too. We got good seats though -- my company's season tickets. They were quite swanky.

If anyone cares to give me the goods on American Idol, I'd appreciate it, including if anyone sang "Copa Cabana" (I'm sensing an ensemble performance of that this evening) and if John Stevens has a prayer of making it to see the light of day tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I'll be finding reasons not to work.