Great moments in Sketch Factor History, part the first
Ok, so I lied. I will actually post a few gems from the past of this blog. This one, originally appearing October 15, 2003, was the first mention of Bad Lady in my blog, before she was dubbed by aforementioned appellation (look it up, it's a word, I swear!) ...:

Pop Quiz: Are you a good co-worker?
1. Your print job has caused a paper jam in the printer. Do you:
a) Identify where the jam is, fix the jam, and make sure the printer is back online?
b) Notice that you have jammed the printer, ask someone to help you who knows what they are doing?
c) Half-assedly stand by the printer for a minute staring at it, then go back to your desk without saying anything to anyone?

2. You've used the last tea bag at the coffee station. Do you:
a) Open the cupboard, grab a handful of tea bags, and refill the tea bag tray?
b) Put one tea bag back so the next sucker who comes to get tea has to do it?
c) Do nothing; it's not your job to refill tea bags?

3. Your 16 year old son has come home sick from school with a fever. You:
a) Call him and see how he's doing.
b) Leave a few minutes early so you can pick up some chicken noodle soup at the store.
c) Leave at 2:30 in a panic because he hasn't called you and it's been a half hour since you last talked to him.

4. At 3 in the afternoon, you realize you forgot to get gas in your car. You:
a) Write yourself a note to get gas on the way home from work.
b) Leave a few minutes early to beat the rush and get to the gas station.
c) Leave the office at 3 to refill gas tank so you can leave right at 5 and not be stuck in traffic.

5. How would you desrcibe the amount of personal calls you get in one day? You:
a) Try to limit personal calls at work -- you're not being paid to gab with friends and family!
b) Make a couple personal calls a day.
c) Lose count after about 8:45 a.m.

SCORING: Give yourself 1 point for every time you answered A. Two points for B. Three points for C.
5 points: You are the model co-worker. You're right on top of things!
6-14 points: Check yourself before you wreck yourself. You need to sharpen those office skills!
15 points: You are MY co-worker. Die.

And here's one, dated October 21st:

A Day in the Life of a Graphic Designer (Conversations I've Had With Actual Clients)
1. On going over changes with a client, I still needed a replacement photo that she was to provide. "Well," she said, "You may as well wait to make the other changes until you have the photo so you're not printing out two sets of proofs." I agreed that that made sense. Two days later... the client calls. "So, have you made those changes yet?" Uh, no, because I was waiting for your photo. Sheesh.

2. After showing a particularly picky client numerous color proofs, including off two different printers, her own printer, and showing it to her on screen, AND giving her the color values of the solid colors used in her brochure, she calls me from a press proof (she has family in the printing business which complicates the matter ten-fold) and says that the brown I chose is "too chocolate" and that she "doesn't like it after all." What do you want me to do about it now?

3. Client to Kat: "I really like this logo you designed, but you left off the second 'f' in 'professional'." Oh. My bad.

And thus, it is my conclusion that the stupid people on this earth vastly outnumber the smart'uns.

The debut of Incompetent But Likeable appears in this post, on Oct 22, 2003:

Incompetent But Likeable, Computer-Illiterate Guy is wearing two different-colored socks today. He has not, as of yet, asked me how to e-mail an attachment, but the day is young. I don't think the challenge has presented itself to him yet. Oh, but it will, but it will.

The first sign that my cat Domino has mental issues appeared October 28:

This morning, Domino dragged a large garbage bag full of clothes that I am going to donate to Goodwill, from the spare bedroom and into the living room, where he proceeded to tear holes in it. But how a 12 pound cat has the strength to drag a 30-or 40 pound bag of clothes that distance is beyond me.

I share some life lessons on November 1st, 2003:

Lessons learned today
Under any circumstances, even if it looks like the most delicious thing in the world, DO NOT eat onion loaf.

If cat bites your arm, pull it away. You will not win in a battle of the wills. Cat is like pirhana and will not let go no matter what, and in fact, will bite harder the longer you don't move your arm.

I realize I'm not hamster material on Nov. 2:

My peanut butter and jelly sandwich is not satisfying. That settles it, I could never be on Big Brother.

I like to share with all of you from time to time about what snacks I'm eating, and I just love me some Toast-Chee. (Nov 18, 2003):

I was about to forge into my wallet to see if I had correct change for the vending machine. Then I remembered that I had Toast-Chee in my desk. I don't know if this is a local delicacy, or if it's a nationwide phenomenon. Toast-Chee, manufactured by Lance, Inc., is a peanut butter and traffic cone orange cracker sandwich. It comes in convenient six packs for snacking. So that is what I'm dining on right now. Toast-Chee. It's fun to write, too. And I believe there's another kind of cracker sandwich called "Nip Chee" that is cheese and crackers. Maybe there's a couple more, but I am not familiar with them.

Office supplies are the topic of this post which I found amusing, way back on November 20th, 2003:

Have you ever found a pen, maybe in the copy room, maybe someone left it on your desk, maybe on the ground, and it's a really cool pen? That pen becomes yours by the unwritten rule of finders keepers, losers weepers.

Why is it that, that pen, always ends up getting lost or someone else takes it? What's the saying, it was never yours to begin with? I think it's that whole "love something set it free" thing. Anyway, it's just a pen. I should get over it.

But I think Incompetent but Likeable ganked it.

This year, it would have been Jase (Nov. 23, 2003):

So, I'm at this party last night. And all these scientific types are there. They're saying words like "neurotransmitter" and I'm feeling incredibly out of place and stupid. While we're all sitting around eating pasta salad, one girl nonchalantly tells us all, "I decapitated like, 5 hamsters yesterday."

Um. Excuse me?

Yep. She wasn't bluffin'. She does some kind of research on Hamster brains. And they have to use live hamsters for the experiments because apparently they need to study a certain part of the brain that shuts down after death. Gross huh?

Meanwhile, I'm grossed out, but at the same time, I'm sitting there thinking, heh, hamster brains. I'm picturing Jee with his head in a guillotine. Maybe that's wrong of me. But oh well.

It was a disturbing conversation nonetheless. I'd like to believe that that stuff doesn't actually happen. But yeah, it does.

That concludes the first part of this look back in SF history, if I get time today I may post more snippets. Because you know you want more! MORE!!!!!!!

Ketchup
I haven't had much time for blogging in the past couple of days, due to a huge presentation being thrown at me that had to be completed yesterday. We are presenting it tomorrow morning to all of management, and then throughout October, going on-site to our offices to present to the rest of the employees. It's a brand new program that we are offering our clients, so everyone needs to be schooled on it, etc.

I have a Fabulous! New! Haircut! I changed stylists and I have "product" in my hair as we speak. It's a big change from my "wake up, brush it, spray it and go" hairstyle that I've had most of my life. I actually have to work on it in the morning or else it looks like a big scary rat's nest. It garnered a lot of good reaction yesterday when I debuted it at the office.

I stopped at the Circle K this morning (we just got Circle K in our area and I always say to myself whenever I go there, "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K!" which is a quote from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure). Anyway, I bought a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts for a co-worker's b-day, and got one of those huge-ass cups of that fake cappuccino stuff from the machine, and I am WIRED. I'm shaky, and my head hurts, but I am a whirlwind of activity this morning. Hope it wears off soon and I can go back into my zombified stupor that everyone is accustomed to.

And, I thought I'd mention, that today marks the one-year anniversary of The Sketch Factor. I was going to go through my archives and note some memorable moments in my blog history, but I started to do that and lost interest. But thank you to everyone who has paid me a visit, left comments, or just lurked (I know you're out there, thanks to Site Meter). I greatly appreciate it. [ /mushy part ]

Dreamy
So I had this dream early this morning, which was quite like my real life, wherein I was searching through my closet for something to wear to work, and I just couldn't decide what to wear. (Yes, my life is that complex.) Except in the dream I had a lot cooler clothes than I really do. It was a perfectly normal dream of me trying on different clothes...

... until Ashton Kutcher walked into the room wearing nothing but a woman's nightie with lace trim.

I think his hair may have been in pigtails too.

What I did to deserve this subconscious torture, I'm not sure.

Toot
I'm feeling pretty good right now. Just found out that two of the pieces I worked on, one being our dreaded company newsletter, won first place in an advertising contest that was held for companies similar to mine, state-wide. That gives me a little bit of needed motivation to keep trying to be creative and to do stuff outside my comfort zone, rather than slap crap on a page and call it done, like I've been doing for the past few months.

Mmmmmmm. Bop?
Well, the show we went to was uber weird. The crowd was comprised entirely of hipsters, and I felt like any minute the hipster police were going to come ask my husband and I for our Hipster I.D. cards and we would be exposed as frauds asked to leave. The music was ok, but it seemed like the band didn't really care whether the audience enjoyed it or not, they were just in their own little world. We didn't stay for the whole show.

There was a man outside with some marionette puppets (inside joke: he reminded me of the Minister of Goth -- a slightly disturbed OU student who used to give similar street performances). He wasn't really doing anything with them per se, and he had a large boombox blasting the first Pearl Jam album ("Evenflow" was on as we walked past). He would just kind of play with the puppet for a second and then he would sit -- or lay -- down on a towel he had spread out for himself. I think he wanted donations for this bit of street "entertainment," but as I had used all fifteen quarters on the parking meter, I had no mas to give him.

There was also a huge contingent of twentysomethings gathered outside the venue wearing Lyndon Larouche t-shirts and signing people up to vote. Which was fine -- until they broke into song. Complete with different harmonies, etc. Like they had sopranos, tenors -- the whole nine yards. I couldn't hear the lyrics but it was bizarre how they gathered and began to sing. Although compared to puppet man it felt normal.

On a side note, I drove in to work this morning and my local radio station was playing the song "Mmmmmbop" by the brothers Hanson. Being a fan of all cheesy music, I forced myself to listen to it. What amused me, that I had forgotten about the song, it toward the end they actually have the sound of a record scratching. Like Hanson had a DJ who decided to break it down and get funky with it. *snort*

Didn't one of them die of a heroin overdose yet? No?
How about now?


How about now?


How about now???

Huh?!?
Oh, Sinead. If you want us to stop making fun of you, then stop doing things that would cause you to be made fun of. It's that simple. And drawing attention to the fact that people ridicule you is only going to make it worse.

Um
Back From Maternity Leave has been sick (the woman is ALWAYS sick -- I guess from all the germs her kids bring home from daycare) and now I'b starting to feel a libttle stubffed ubp. Damn her. At least I have my -- scream it with me folks -- Reeeeeeeeeeee co laaaaaaaaa! It will get me through.

We're going to see some band tomorrow night -- Yo La Tengo. My husband likes them but I have Yo La Never Heard of Them.

It will be a little weird for me -- the show is at a place that used to be my coffee shop hangout when I was a bad-ass Catholic high school girl.

I would comment on last night's "Survivor" but I think all I need to say is someone named Dolly who is a sheep farmer kind of writes her own punchlines, don't you think?

Back to newsletter hell for me.

Yeah, baby!
So, my day is complete. The Lube Stop man hit on me.
It was partially my fault.
He was showing me the different oil change things and recommended one for my car and I was like, "OK, yeah, go ahead and do that."
And then I added, "I'm easy."

Whoops.

Big eyebrow raise from Lube Stop dude. (Who, by the way, wasn't quite old enough to be my dad, but close.)

"Really." He says, suddenly becoming a LOT more friendly.

"Easy to please," I said, realizing immediately what I had done.

So he goes and does whatever Lube Stop Guys do, and then came back and had me move my car to the other bay, which meant that another waiting car also had to move. This pissed off the other car for some reason and it took off. Lube Stop Guy said something to me like, "Doesn't he know the rule that the pretty girl always gets the right of way?"

Mmm hmm.

So the whole oil change happens, and Lube Stop Guy I think was trying to be cool in front of me. You know when you can tell that people are trying to act cool? That's what this guy was doing. So finally, I'm ready to leave, and Another Lube Stop Guy was making fun of him for not knowing how to use a computer. He comes to tell me, confidentially, that his first wife and second wife always made fun of him for being computer illiterate, too.

I think he wanted to look under my chassis.
*Beavis laugh*

OK, I'm done now.

And now, a few words about the Big Brother finale
The right person won. I mean, the right person out of the two who were left. I was really really worried for a second that Cowboy would win and the world would spontaneously combust at the utter wrongness of that outcome. But Drew won, and he was "pumped" and it was "awesome" for him. Dude. Right. On.

We were subjected to Jase spewing his bittercakes, of course. Hasn't he gotten over this yet? Also, Jase, didn't you get the memo? Men do not wear makeup. Seriously. I've been to KISS concerts where the men didn't have as much makeup on. I have seen drag queens wearing less makeup. (OK, I've never actually been to a KISS concert, but you get the point, right?)

In completely related news, the right team also won on Amazing Race. And the best part of that finale was that Alison didn't get much camera time.

In completely unrelated news, I just spent an extra 45 minutes stuck in traffic and couldn't see any reason for it -- no accidents, just a bunch of extra morons on the road today I guess. Grr!

Ho hum
I just spent about 45 minutes scanning photos. Very monotonous work. If you'd even call it work. Lift the lid. Put a photo on the glass. Hit 'scan'. Wait for it to make all of its little whirring and beeping noises. Hit 'save' and think of a clever name to call it. Whirr and beep again. Take photo off glass and put a new one on. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Word of advice: never let a person like me be in charge of what photos will be put in the company newsletter. I will go for the embarrassment factor every time. If you look like an ass, you're going on the front page.

My work-related rant of the day is: don't clip your fingernails at work. I mean, if you break a nail and have to clip it, then fine. But don't sit there hunched over the trash can, and clip every single finger nail. Wait until you get home! Really, it can wait a few hours. I won't say who is guilty of doing this because he signs my paychecks.

Welcome to Cleveland
Yep. This about sums up a day in the life of a Cleveland sports fan.

Not sure what to make of this
The downstairs receptionist, who still calls me "KK" even though my initials have been "KJ" for over a year, just referred to me as "Dawson's Creek". As in, my husband and I are a "Dawson's Creek couple."

Having never watched this show I have no idea what that means and whether it's good or bad.

Congrats
To Britney Spears and her new bethrothed. Already it's lasted longer than her first marriage. Kudos to that.

This about says it all for today

Courtesy of the good folks at Engrish.com. What's that smell?

Buh-bye
Inappropriately-Dressed Admin has left the building. For good. I don't know whether to do the running man or the cabbage patch, so I'll do both.

Her last outfit was a short khaki skirt, too-tight pink top, and pink and brown tennis shoes with no socks. And her hair was in pigtails.

I went over to a co-worker after she left (without saying goodbye, btw) and then Kindly Old Granny Admin came over and said, "I didn't know that [IDA's] last day was today!"

We both nodded solemnly, trying not to grin too much.

"Boy," KOGA said. "She really worked hard every minute of the day that she was here!"

Um, yeah. If you call bidding on e-Bay merchandise working hard, then, yes, absolutely she did.

A very Mark Burnett Thursday
Survivor: Vanuatu premiered last night, and was a bit meh for my tastes. I had to cover my eyes during the pig slaughter as I expected I would have to. This is the first season where I don't know everyone's name, I don't have my fantasy team ready to go, and I haven't read up on all the spoilers. All I know as far as names go is Brook and Rory, and they're both guys. Actually Brook, well, so sorry pal.

Then I switched over to The Apprentice. Omarosa -- I mean, Stacey -- quickly got on my nerves. And bowtie guy, who last week I thought sounded like Gilbert Godfried, actually kind of grew on me. That dude who gave up his exemption -- whoops! Bet you feel like a chump now! See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.

Public service announcement
In preparation for National Talk Like a Pirate Day, which officially is Sunday, here is a useful site with all sort of pirate lingo. Arr, mateys!

And that brings us to today
I wasn't around much yesterday. I was away from my desk at some high-falootin' country club for a combo press conference (Topic: Our company bought some other company! Huzzah!) and reception (Topic: Our company bought your company! Huzzah!). Highlights included being away from my desk and getting an overly affectionate hug from a co-worker I barely know. So yeah.

Survivor starts tonight. Strangely I'm not as psyched as I usually am about that. Something about the ritual at the beginning, it looks like a large dead carcass. I'm not down with the dead carcass ritual I don't think.

Also, I am gearing up for a major mental breakdown when I watch the finale of Amish in the City next Tuesday. If Mose goes Amish I'm going to cry. If Miriam goes Amish I'm going to cry. If Jonas passes his GED I'm going to cry. If Cowboy wins Big Brother I'm going to cry.

This is a headphone-wearing day -- I'm stuck in the office alone with Screech, Kindly Old Granny Admin, my boss, and IDA (whose last day is tomorrow -- yay). Hopefully it will go quickly.

The Benefactor
So we're eating dinner last night, and I have "The Benefactor" on the TV in the living room and I can't stop watching it.

"What's this show about?" my husband asks.
"Uh..." I say, and a long pause follows. "I'm not really sure, to be perfectly honest."

And then I start fumbling through an explanation. "There's this rich guy, Mark Cuban, I've never heard of him, but there's these people and they're competing for a million dollars."

"Like the Apprentice?" he asks.

"I don't know. So far they're just sitting around talking. He already kicked someone off."

"Oh."

Post-show analysis: Mark Cuban kind of bugs me, and I haven't quite put my finger on why yet. I think he may remind me of someone I know. The goofy quality to this show (see the Jenga match for an example) appeals to me, but I'm lukewarm on the contestants at best. I will give this show one more week to wow me and then I will make my decision.

People You Don't Expect to See at the Craft Store
I was just at the craft store with a co-worker. We had to buy foam board and easels for a presentation tomorrow. So we tinker around with the easels for a while, lug our stuff to the checkout, and lo and behold, right in front of us in line is an Elvis wannabe helping his elderly mother carry her craft items out (I didn't happen to notice what they were). I'm talking full-out pompadour that was perfectly coiffed, sideburns, the whole deal. The only thing missing was the white sequin jumpsuit. And at 10:30 in the morning, no less. I bet he takes longer to get himself ready in the morning than I do. In fact, I'd be willing to bet on it.