Thursday, April 23
If you had a co-worker whose personal cell phone went off, I'm not exaggerating, 30-40 times a day (and that's just when I'm counting), would you:
A) Politely ask them to set their phone to "vibrate"
B) Ask HR to politely ask them to set their phone to "vibrate"
C) Wait until they go to the restroom and destroy the phone with a jackhammer
NOTE: The phone went off twice while typing this poll. And no, it's not Bad Lady's phone.
Monday, April 20
This past weeks’ pirate situation off the coast of Somalia had me thinking: if they just had Jack Bauer with them, the whole thing would have been wrapped up in a matter of a couple of hours, tops – with some side plots thrown in, too.
How would Jack Bauer be able to invervene and save the day during a pirate crisis off the coast of Africa? Any of these scenarios seem entirely plausible:
1) A mysterious man (Jack Bauer) has been on board the cargo ship, keeping to himself and staying in his cabin. He is being transported to Africa for an unknown mission, and the crew members know better than to ask. Once the pirates seize the boat, Jack springs into action from inside the boat.
2) Jack is helicoptered to the scene (because he just happens to be in Somalia), rappelling onto the lifeboat (miraculously avoiding heavy gunfire), and taking out all the pirates.
3) Jack arrives on-scene via submarine.
This got me thinking: what other situations could use a little Jack Bauer?
SCENE: an office. Woman (played by me – hey, it’s my skit) is standing by copy machine. Paper goes in and does not come out.
WOMAN: Can someone help me fix this paper jam? I have a presentation in ten minutes and I need to make these copies!
JACK BAUER emerges from a cubicle.
JACK: I’ve downloaded a schematic of the copy machine onto my PDA. According to this, the paper jam should be located in the alpha quadrant, right below drawer B.
The PDA starts beeping as if an alarm is going off.
JACK: It looks like someone has been tampering with this machine.
OTHER CO-WORKER walks past the copy machine. JACK slams him against the wall while gripping his shirt collar.
JACK: (barking) WHO USED THIS COPY MACHINE LAST! THERE’S A PAPER JAM!
OTHER CO-WORKER: (crying) I don’t know! I don’t know, Jack! It wasn’t me!
JACK: (takes a pen out of his pocket and holds it menacingly at the man’s throat) Come on! I saw you over here five minutes ago! You know something!
OTHER CO-WORKER: I swear I don’t, Jack … don’t make me call HR again!
JACK: Listen, we have TEN MINUTES to get this paper jam out of the copier. So you’re going to do what I say … NOW!
JACK releases his grip on OTHER CO-WORKER, who recoils from JACK. While this confrontation has been going on, WOMAN has moved between the two men and calmly opens up a side drawer on the copy machine, sees the rogue piece of paper, and delicately removes it. JACK’s PDA blips to inform him that the paper jam is now removed. OTHER CO-WORKER exits to the right, quickly.
WOMAN: Thanks for your help, Jack.
JACK: Any time.
OTHER CO-WORKER is seen at desk, composing an email.
OTHER CO-WORKER (to himself): This isn't over, Bauer! This is the last time you're going to bully me around this office!
Familiar "24" clock ticks, signifying commercial break.
Monday, April 13
Because I often like to post my facebook/Twitter status as a song lyric, I was looking up the lyrics to Seal's "Kiss From A Rose" before posting today. I wanted to make sure I had the exact wording, because GOD FORBID I get it wrong.
No, not THAT seal.
So you know when you realize you've been wrong all these years about a favored lyric? How it totally changes the song for you? You know, "Excuse me while I kiss this guy" ... oops!
Did you know that Seal compares you to a kiss from a rose ON THE GREY?
I always thought it was "on the grave." It made sense to me. Like a rose that has been left on a grave. It's a beautiful rememberance of someone who isn't there anymore. I don't know. It worked.
What the hell is a rose on the grey? Further, what is the grey?
Like, grey matter of your brain?
Friday, April 10
Note: That afternoon, when asked about picture day, Doodle also said he didn't like the bunny, because it kept "sniffing his pocket." The bunny in question is the black one. No word on what was in his pocket.
Wednesday, April 8
This is the second day of my diabetic diet, and let me just say, IT SUCKS!!!!!! Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. I've always been a "want what I can't have" kind of girl, and let's just say that I never met a bag of potato chips that I didn't like. And I've been indulging myself with candy and ice cream during this pregnancy because I've basically felt like dog crap the entire six months so far. Somehow, gnawing on a celery stalk just doesn't have the same theraputic effect.
But I will sacrifice my sugar and carbs for the good of this baby. And I figure this gives me plenty of ammo right off the bat for when he's older and I get to infuse some mom-style guilt onto him. Right after I finish off a pint of Ben & Jerry's.